Yup, It's Yap!

Stop Bitching About Coming "Back To Reality"!

2011-03-25T10:54:00.003+08:00

Are you one of those who post your online status as "Back To Reality. Sigh." when you return to work after some time off? Well, look here.

Was your holiday not real?

Was the time spent during office hours bargain-hunting for that perfect holiday not real?

Was the herpes (other STDs are available) that you caught during above mentioned holiday not real?

Do I have to point out that without this so-called "reality" that you are whining about, you would probably not be able to afford the time off which is the cause of your complains about going back to work in the first place?

So be thankful that you could afford time off work and SHUT THE HELL UP!

Drift & Burn 365

2007-10-27T13:05:00.000+08:00

Me and a friend are currently playing this free online racing game.

http://www.shockwave.com/gamelanding/driftnburn365.jsp

The objective is simple, to race to win all 50 cars, which is updated everyday at 3pm Singapore time.

One fine day i was out buying lunch and guess what i saw?

YYLO!

Maciam Initial-D!

Le Orange!

2007-10-20T09:47:00.000+08:00

The Force, you shall need...

Why i is have no girlfriend

2007-08-15T10:32:00.000+08:00

Of all the questions my friends can ask me, they ask me this....

Better go see doctor...

Funnier when drunk

2007-05-19T13:04:00.000+08:00

Made this with the help of 2 friends...

Guess what song

2007-05-17T21:10:00.000+08:00

Woman(To herself): "Damn! What does a girl have to do to get laid around here? Been drivin aimlessly for freak'in ages here! Still no sight of a hunky hitchhiker... ... Oh look! There's one!"

Boy(To himself): "Of all the God damned days i chose to leave the house without my umbrella and coat! Fuck'in pouring cats and dogs and whatever four-legged freaks here, how the hell am i gonna get home?"

Woman: "Hey handsome! Wanna ride?"

Boy: "Sure thanks." (To himself) "Smile boy... just play it cool..."

Woman: "I'm not gonna ask you your name." (To herself) "I'm so gonna get laid!"

Boy: "Me neither."

Woman: "I don't believe i'm telling you this, i'm kinda in a horny fix right now, mindless fuck?"

Boy: "Alright bitch! Anything to get out of these clothes man!"

(Woman drives to a hotel)

Woman: "Tommy, i need a room, my usual suite will do."

Tommy: "Very well Madam..."

Boy: "Wow, you regular here?"

Woman: "Kind'a."

Boy: "Erm... okay."

(In the hotel room)

Woman & Boy: "Abrakadabra!"

Woman: "Pick a card, any card..."

Boy: "I have here 3 balls and 3 cups..."

Woman: "Think of a number between 1 and 100..."

Boy: "I will attempt to saw my beautiful assistant in half..."

Woman: "Here she comes! Oh... oh... God! You brought out another one! I think i'll call that one Suzie!"

Boy: "Do all your friends name their orgasms?"

Woman: "Oh... oh... oh... only... me...."

Boy: "That was easy! Kewl!"

(The morning after)

Boy: "Darling... can you get us some breakfast in bed? Darling?" (Sees a note on the table, reads out the content) "I am the flower, you are the seed. We walked in the garden... What the fuck?! You crazy poet bitch! You better pray you paid for this room! And who the fuck wants to live in your sick memory!?!"

(Some time later, they meet on the streets)

Boy: "Holy fuck! Shakes-Slut! It's you!"

Woman: "You looked surprised."

Boy: "How many people you know can see their own eyes?"

Woman: "Go figure."

Boy: "So, wanna you know... get together sometime?"

Woman: "Sorry, i'm in love with someone else."

Boy: "He good to you?"

Woman: "He's alright, but i don't get to think of so many names at night."

Boy: "Life sucks yah."

Woman: "Like a nuclear powered vacuum..."

Boy: "Oh well, see'ya around."

Woman: "You too boy..."

I can take a hint...

2007-03-14T21:39:00.000+08:00

Was signing into my Friendster account when something struck me... (click on image to enlarge)

Guess it has been decided which Goalkeeper i will pick for my Fantasy League this week...
(I swear to God this was not done on purpose)

Change of Command Parade

2007-02-17T16:26:00.000+08:00

Battalion Routine Orders

Change of Command Parade

Date of Parade : 17th Feb 2007

Time of Parade : 2330hrs to 0001hrs

Location: Heavenly Courts Parade Square

Parade Commander : COL Dragon Long (S1)

Parade 2IC : COL Horse Ma (S3)

Parade SM : 1WO Tiger Hu (RSM)

Parade SM (2IC) : 2WO Rooster Chee (HQCSM)

Schedule:

0500hrs : Reveille (Fancy word for wake up), 5BX, breakfast. 2WO Chee to draw loudhailer from CQ store and morning call the Battalion. (5BX = 10mikes, Breakfast = 5mikes)

0515hrs : Area cleaning.

0600hrs : Men to polish boots and iron uniform for their officers. Once done they will proceed to tend to their own attire.

(3hrs, half a million tins of Kiwi and 76,000 cans of spray on starch later...)

0900hrs : Gather at parade square for inspection by 1WO Hu. Men who do not pass inspection to be awarded 3 extras.

0930hrs : Draw arms, men who sign over the line will be awarded 1 extra, CPL Monkey Hou (Battalion Armskote Man) to ensure.

0945hrs : Drill rehearsal. 1WO Hu to "Se-Di-Yah" and "Se-Nang-Di-Ri" the Battalion until he hears only "one banging sound" and not "bird droppings". Men caught standing on 3 legs to be awarded 7 extras. (Except LCP Snake Sher excused lower limb and 2WO Chee only got 2 legs)

1030hrs : 2WO Chee to reveille the officers who are still sleeping.

1100hrs : Officers to join in final rehearsal. CPT Ox Niu (Alpha Coy OC, ABC Scholar), CPT Rabbit Tu (Bravo OC, PCC Scholar), CPT Goat Yang (Charlie Coy OC, DoReMe Scholar) and MWO Rat Shu (Delta Coy OC, No Educational Records).

1115hrs : Arrival of GEN Dog Gou (Outgoing CO).

1130hrs : Start of parade. Outgoing speech by GEN Gou.

1140hrs : Incoming speech by Gen Pig Zhu (Incoming CO).

1159hrs : Change of Command. Witnessed by VIP, President Emperor, Jade.

0001hrs : End of parade. Debrief, and signing of extras for offenders.

Mobile phone killed the newpaper star

2007-02-16T15:11:00.000+08:00

Someone was browsing thru his list of mobile ring tones while "doing his business" at the toilet this morning.. So i decided to come up with the following...

Mobile Phone Killed the Newspaper Star

I read your “corantos” back in (Sixteen) Twenty Two
Because at that it was something really new.
If I wasn't born it didn't stop you coming through.
Oh-a oh

They took the credit for your ToTo and 4D,
Sent to our mobiles using SMS technology,
and now I understand the problems you can see.
Oh-a oh

I read your children
Oh-a oh
What did you tell them?

Mobile phone killed the newspaper star,
Mobile phone killed the newspaper star,
Ringtones came and broke your heart.
Oh-a-a-a oh

And now we meet in an abandoned wet market,
Where you are forced to wrap things such as a fish head,
And you remember when we bring you to shit.

Oh-a oh
You were the first one.
Oh-a oh
You were the last one.

Mobile phone killed the newspaper star,
Mobile phone killed the newspaper star,
In my mind and in my car, we can't reprint we've gone to far.

Oh-a-aho oh, Oh-a-aho oh

Mobile phone killed the newspaper star,
Mobile phone killed the newspaper star,
In my mind and in my car, we can't reprint we've gone to far,
Ringtones came and broke your heart, put the blame on No-Kee-Ah!

You are a newspaper star.
You are a newspaper star.
Mobile phone killed the newspaper star
Mobile phone killed the newspaper star,
Mobile phone killed the newspaper star,
Mobile phone killed the newspaper star,
Mobile phone killed the newspaper star. (You are… newspaper star.)

Soccer Commentary

2007-02-12T21:43:00.000+08:00

I wonder if those guys could keep a straight face when saying this...

The Long and Short of it.

"(Shane) Long [Reading] plays it short."

Similarly... "(Craig) Short [Sheff Utd] plays it long."

"(Shane) Long plays it straight to (Craig) Short."

Big or Small?

"(Glen) Little [Reading] with a towering header!"

Which Ball?

"(Micheal) Ball [Man City] stands over the ball."

Bent it like...

"(Marcus/Darren) Bent will have to bend it around the wall for this free kick."

What bridge was falling down?

"(Wayne) Bridge scores his first goal at the (Stamford) Bridge!"

Privates.

"(Paul) Dickov [Man City] almost tore the opponent's dick off!"

And you give, and you give, and you give.

"And (Shay) Given and given away a senseless penalty!"

Need i say more?

(Nicky) Butt
(Jay) DeMerit
(Dan) Shittu

Taxi Wisdom...

2007-02-12T21:15:00.000+08:00

"Uncle, Geylang please."

"Wah, go Geylang do what? See PRC girls?"

"Haha.. no lah, just going for drinks." (Are you psychic?)

"I see i see, been waiting long for a taxi?"

"No, thanks to you, luckily you came out of the round-about empty!"

"Wah, you really lucky hor. But i don't understand some Singaporeans, rather stand there for hours but still don't want to pay $4 booking fee! Then when they finally get a taxi, they think they very proud"

"Erm..."

"Really, i've seen them, they rather wait and wait then pay that extra $4!"

"Really...."

"Business now very bad, (begins to take out money and count) tonight i .... (flip flip flip) i.... still haven't made enough to cover rent! So after this trip, just break even. Boring ah, maybe should just go Geylang and call chicken, Uncle one night don't cum cannot sleep. Just tell Uncle's wife that tonight no business, cannot even cover rent. Actually wives are the best, you don't have to pay them to screw them, try any pattern they also don't mind, after that they still look after the house and kids."

"Erm..." ( I pity Mrs. Taxi)

"You see, if Singaporeans are so stingy, how are they going to get world class service? Just like when Uncle go and call chicken that time, before anything happen Uncle will tip them, then they give Uncle best service, Uncle see other people bargain here bargain there, in the end for $10 less, the service they get from the chicken is reduced by more than that $10! In the end who happy?"

"Erm... yah..."

"Don't talk about being a developed country when you don't want to pay $4 booking fee lah, Uncle work overseas for more than 10 years, foreigners not like that one, they are very gracious. Uncle tell you, you don't see the PRC now like very backward like that, in a few years time. if Singaporeans the mind set don't change, we will be overtaken by them!"

"Erm... yah..."

"Your Geylang you want to go where?"

"Erm.. Lor XX, near the Dim Sum stall."

"Lor XX? Dim Sum? Got meh? Erm..... (refuse to turn when he should) Orh! Uncle know lah!"

"Yeah, should have turned just now, but never mind, you can turn here."

"Sure or not?!"

"Should be ok, we need to head towards the other numbered lanes."

"There got Dim Sum meh? I turn ah! You don't bluff Uncle."

"Won't won't. Already overshot, need to U-turn back."

"Aiya! You cheat Uncle ah."

"Haha.. no lah. Just ahead you can stop." (Fucka-you!)

"Orh! This Dim Sum ah! Don't say earlier?"

"Nevermind Uncle, how much?"

"Erm... $14.30!"

"Heres $15."

"Wah, so good, still got ..."

"Bye!" (Sound of slamming car door)

Weekend Television

2007-01-28T18:40:00.000+08:00

I don't subscribe to cable television so my choice of what to watch on lazy Sunday afternoons is limited to the creativity of our local program schedulers. So here's what i watched today.

"I do, let's eat"
Interesting documentary about the different kinds of food served during wedding parties. Today's episode features a wedding between a Russian man and a Jewish woman, the interesting part is that a Rabbi was actually hired to "supervise" the entire cooking process. Every single food item has to pass thru his hands and anything that does not pass his strict standards are immediately destroyed. By destroyed i mean plates are smashed, food is thrown away and all. Meats cannot be mixed, and must be free of veins or any trace of blood. Everything is bought from religiously certified suppliers and even the utensils have to be inspected by the Rabbi. It turned out well as everyone seemed to enjoy the food very much and the chef even gone on the record to say, "I can sleep well tonight!".

Some Classic Indian Movie
Movie about the people's struggle against a ruthless army chief. The wacky subtitles managed to keep me watching for about half an hour. Here's a sample.

Evil Army Chief : "Apologise to me if you want me to spare your life!"

Man : "Sorry, i will not apologise!"

(Evil Army Chief duely takes out his pistol and shoots the poor bastard)
_____________________________________

Police Sergeant : "Sir, the people are gathered outside the palace and are about to agitate!"

Police Officer : "Get your men to stop the agitation!"

(Quickly Sergeant! Before the King gets agitated by the agitating crowd!)
_____________________________________

Male lead : "Go on! Shoot us! The bullet will go thru our bodies and our blood will mix with this mud!"

(???)
_____________________________________

Talk about lost in translation...

Dead, all dead

2006-12-31T14:42:00.000+08:00

Owen Hart, Eddie "Latino Heat" Guerrero, Curt “Mr Perfect” Hennig, Andre "The Giant", Yokozuna, what do all these names have in common? Well, they were all professional wrestlers.

"So smartass, if there WERE wrestlers, what are they doing now?"

Well, basically, they are all dead. BUT i'm sure most of you would have known this. So here are some wrestlers whom unless you follow wrestling closely, would have thought they were still alive.

Surprise Number One : "British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith

Died of : Excessive steroids use.

Interesting facts : Smith's middle name really was "Boy." When he was born, one of his parents mistook the "middle name" field for the "gender" field on his birth certificate. He was also the brother-in-law of the late Owen Hart.

Will be missed for : His running body slam, and his British accent, which i had a hard time trying to understand as an eleven year old.

Surprise Number Two : "Road Warrior Hawk" Michael Hegstrand

Died of : Alcohol, drugs and (surprise surprise) steroids.

Interesting facts : The name was taken from the film Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, and the spiked shoulderpads which he and his tag team partner "Animal" wears were also modeled after the film.

Will be missed for : His signature "Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaah O Whhhhhat a Ruuuuuush."

Surprise Number Three : "Big Boss Man" Ray Traylor

Died of : Heart attack

Interesting facts : Traylor was actually a prison guard that moonlighted as a wrestler

Will be missed for : "You're gonna serve nothing but hard time!"

Surprise Number Four : "The Texas Tornado" Kerry Von Erich

Died of : Self inflicted gunshot to the chest

Interesting facts : He was the third brother in the Von Erich family to have committed suicide (Mike in 1987 and Chris in 1991).

Will be missed for : His ridiculous "Tornado Punch".

And last, but definitely not least, i present to you...

Saddam "The Butcher of Baghdad" Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti

Died of : Broken neck

Interesting facts : Saddam was personally responsible for mass deportations to Iran of Iraqi Shiites, the razing of the Kurdish towns of Zakho and Qala'at Diza, the hanging of 17 alleged "spies" in Liberation Square, the "disappearance" of 8,000 Kurds from the village of Barzan, the elimination of an estimated 7,000 Iraqi communists and countless other brazen acts of brutality that consolidated his power. Now to me, these achievements make even the meanest of wrestlers look like a hamster.

Will be missed for : Not applicable.

Oxymoron

2006-12-28T19:53:00.000+08:00

ox·y·mo·ron
Rhetoric.
a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in “cruel kindness” or “to make haste slowly.”

Some cool oxymorons i have come across...

1) Free Trade (Thanks Alvin)

2) Deafening Silence (Thanks Myself)

3) Virtual Reality (Thanks Phua Chu Kang)

4) Falsely True

5) Truly False

6) Bloodless Coup (This one can?)

7) Silent War

Please help me out...

Of Mice and Men...

2006-12-02T10:52:00.000+08:00

"Clinging to each other in their loneliness and alienation, George and his simple-minded friend Lennie dream, as drifters will, of a place to call their own. But after they come to work on a ranch in the Salinas Valley their hopes, like "the best laid schemes o' mice an' men," begin to go awry."

I was wondering, if there ever was an Asian production of this classic by Mr. Steinbeck, who would be casted...

Well, here are my choices

George (small, quick, dark of face and eyes, restless) : Stephen Chow, chosen because he also happens to be the director.

Lennie (huge, shapeless, pale eyes, slow moving) : Guy-on-the-left, need i say more?

"Look Lennie! Flying rabbits!"

Candy (old swamper, missing one hand) : Wu Meng Da, chosen because he has to appear in ALL Stephen Chow movies.

"Psst.... Curley's wife is hot eh?"

Slim (jerkline skinner, local authority) : Louis Koo, chosen purely based on his skin tone... and he pulls in the broads.

"Here George, shoot the retard with THESE!"

Curley (Boss' son, short, once a welterweight boxer) : Eason Chan, chosen because he often spots a ridiculous head of curly hair. "My hand? Erm ... machine accident..."

Curley's wife (Class A Slut) : Bai Ling, chosen because the picture explains itself.

"Please can i go to YOUR ranch?"

And of course, not forgetting...

Mouse (Crushed by Lennie within 10 mins of the show) : Stuart (I'm better than Mickey) Little, chosen because... well... he a mouse.

"Great, another mouse role..."

Not forgetting the supporting roles...

Aunt Clara (Lennie's dead aunt) : Lydia Sum

Boss (owner of a ranch ) : Xie Xian

Crooks (negro stable buck) : Any Bollywood cross-over

Now we've got ourselves a star-studded cast, all we need is someone to translate the script into Chinese, pump in 100 million dollars and we've got ourselves a blockbuster!

You think i is damn free?

2006-10-22T20:44:00.000+08:00

"Yapster, i have news for you, your new boss wants everyone to record their daily activities so that he can track your performance."

"Idiot! He thinks im lazy right?"

"No lah, so that they can have visibility of the amount of tasks you perform everyday."

"He thinks i'm damn free isit? Tell him, if the email is there, means i haven't done it, if the email is not there, means i've done it. He knows bloody well that i'm the only person here! Any fall-out or mistakes is definitely my fault, things that get done are done by me! What else does he want? If he's not blind he can see who's really working and who's not."

"I tried talking to him but he says he needs the visibility. AND he wants you to backlog your activities for the past 2 weeks."

"Thats more than a thousand emails i have to sort thru?! You must be kidding right?"

"No i'm not."

"Dirtbag! I'm not doing it!"

"Come on Yapster, don't be so negative. Eventually you have to do it."

"I know, but not now. Definitely not now. F$%k him, if i didn't need money i would have canned his ass during the stupid signing."

Note to Myself

2006-10-08T23:02:00.000+08:00

Watching Sin City, Kill Bill vol.1 then Kill Bill vol.2 all in one sitting is too much violence for one day...

Lift Rage

2006-09-28T21:37:00.000+08:00

- Lift
1. to move or bring (something) upward from the ground or other support to a higher position; hoist.
2. a contraption which the Singapore Gahmen is trying to make stop on every floor of all HDB flats.

- Rage
1. ardor, fervor, enthusiasm;
2. a violent act caused by anger.

If there was to be someone who is going to be the first peron convicted of "lift rage", it would most definitely be me. Not that i'm trying to act call civilized or anything but please, use your blain use your blain!

The following are some examples of what i mean,

1. Retards who stand RIGHT IN FRONT of the lift door waiting for it to open so that he/she/it can be the first one in. I mean what the fuck is your problem? Don't tell me you really really want to get to work as soon as you possibly can because that's a load of bullshit. Best is when an entire group of them does it, i usually just stand back and admire how the poor bastards who are trying to get out of the lift worm their way pass the mass blob of stupidity.

2. Idiots who cannot decide whether they want to take the lift, or MUST take the lift with their friends from God-knows-where on Earth. Hey Shithead, it's a lift! Not some teleporting machine! I'm pretty sure your friend(s) can survive without seeing you for 2 minutes. And don't you fucking morons stand at the door and access how many of your species you can squeeze into one inch of space while holding everyone else up. LET GO OF THE FUCKING BUTTON! AND WAIT FOR THE DOOR TO CLOSE BEFORE PRESSING IT AGAIN!

3. Blind donkeys who can ask their friends in the loudest voice possible, "Who press [insert floor]" Hey Fuckface! The fact that you are getting off on a lower floor does not mean that the rest of the world isn't entitled to their right to access other floors! What if you work on the 2nd floor of a hundred storey building? Are you going to go, "Eh, who press 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.... 100?" No right? And by the way if you hadn't noticed Mr. Dimwit, I AM THE ONE WHO PRESSED [insert floor]!

4. Motherfuc-, oops, can't call them motherfuckers cos i don't think they were born into this world. Freak-O's who get to the ground level, fuck out of the lift to crawl back to whatever hole they came from, and freaking press the floors of which his/hers/its friends are still at?! What kind of freakshow theory is that? Please, someone explain to me, why do they have to do this? The lift will still stop at those floors because the Goons outside the lift have their fingers surgically fused to the lift buttons, so why the extra work? If you like pressing the lift buttons so much, go be a lift attendant! Oh, i'm sorry, you dont have the minimum required IQ of 1.0 for the job.

Damn i'm an angry bastard, so, which floor?

One Million Dollars...

2006-09-28T13:00:00.000+08:00

If i had one million, one million, i had one million, one lifetime can relax

Never say nobody will know, say already i very shy

Eat until so big, never seat aeroplane before

Slog for so many years, no car no house and no lover

See other people take brides and do business, got style

If i had one million, i want to seat aeroplane

I want to tour the world, go to Hawaii and suntan, eat sushi in Japan

If i had one million, i want to buy car buy house

All the nice food, who can do better

Come and be my wife

If i had one million, one million

If you short of cash, open mouth no need to stand on ceremony

Never say nobody will know, say already i very shy

Eat until so big, never seat aeroplane before

Slog for so many years, no car no house and no lover

See other people take brides and do business, got style

If i had one million, i want to seat aeroplane

I want to tour the world, drink coffee in Italy, eat pasta by the roadside (in Italy)

If i had one million, i want to buy car buy house

Buy a shop to collect rent, so i don't have to work

Take my dog go for stroll

If i had one million, one million

If you short of cash, open mouth no need to stand on ceremony

If i had one million, one million

Ten thousand eight thousand take and use

Don't return also no problem

If i had one million, one million...

Voice over
(Hello friend, you think one million a lot isit?)

Tell me something i DON'T know

2006-09-26T22:16:00.000+08:00

Today Lim Peh kena lectured by someone on MSN...

"... 27 already, that's because you are too choosy ..."

"... always think too much, you are not looking for someone whom you like, you are looking for someone who suits your lifestyle ..."

"... dare not take risk, spend too long looking, by then people are attached ..."

"... finding a companion, not a life partner ..."

" ... match-making service ..."

PLEASE, tell me something i DON'T know! Like why do some cretins chase every skirt they see? Or why some like to get hitched WAY before they are emotionally or financially ready? Or why some of you like to reproduce at the rate of mutant hamsters?

Saw this loser propose to his totally hot girlfriend on national television and guess what? She agreed... ...after rejecting his first proposal some time ago. Ah, the beauty of media pressure.

"We are going to calm our feelings down and plan for our ROM!" exclaimed an over excited King Loser, before planting his slimy lips on the poor girl, who had her eyes open the whole 3 seconds. (Ladies and Gentle, and the nominees for Most Wooden Screen Kiss are...)

Noooooooooooooooooooo you moron! Ride the high! Get a room and start making babies before you girlfriend comes to her senses and realises she's been scammed and decides to back out, off-air of course. You have a good few hours before the effect wears off.

You sick bastard!

An excuse?

2006-09-17T21:43:00.000+08:00

"Thinking that you are the worst person in the world is no different from thinking you are the best, it just gives you an excuse to justify your existence."

Are you here because you have an excuse?

Money No Enough? (The "Don't Find Me" Edition)

2006-09-06T09:44:00.000+08:00

Basic set of rules to abide by when borrowing money (from me).

1. Don't think i'm some rich Ah-Seah Kia. I've only started working full-time for 3 mths.

2. I'm most probably drawing a lower salary than you. BUT that will change soon.

3. The fact that i'm drawing a higher salary does not mean that i'm obliged to help.

4. That money was definitely meant for something else. There is no such thing as spare cash (for me).

6. State your reason, the REAL reason for needing a loan.

7. Give me a firm return date, the REAL return date. Installments or whatever i don't care.

8. Don't avoid me, BUT don't let me catch you partying the night away.

9. Humour me abit. Act like you are apologetic can? Please?

10. Try, please try not giving me a deadline for which to pass you the money. Especially if it means i have to go out of my way to get it done.

Good! Now that we have straightened things out, how much do you need?

The Knight, the Emperor and the Wheel of Fortune

2006-08-29T22:04:00.000+08:00

This is what the Tarot Cards told me about my love life, or my complete lack of it.

Point 1: I admit i'm practical, overly so sometimes. Thus i apparently "passed" on many potential partners purely because of my practicality. Because i thought that eventually we wouldn't work out.

Point 2: I shouldn't be looking so "high up". If i'm a 4 or 5, i should stop trying my luck with the 7's or 8's. It messes with the natural selection system.

Point 3: I should be more generous. Not with my money, but with my affection.

It could be me, but i can't disagree with the readings, if i can call it that, of those 3 cards. The person who read it to me didn't know me, plus there was a specific order to the cards. There could be some truths which maybe i didn't want to face...

But of course it could all be a bunch of bull, especially point 2.

Go "F" yourself Doc!

2006-08-27T16:07:00.000+08:00

Remember the old Chinese drama serial or movies. Especially the ones with a police or doctor theme? Well if you belong to MY generation (late late 70's), you would know what i'm talking about.

Now the problem with those shows back then was that they would always have this ultra-stereotypical scenario that goes like this...

Male lead is either a policeman or doctor.

If male lead is a policeman, he will be the renegade kind, beating up Ah Bengs for no apparent reason. Smokes heavily. Drinks beer from red unlabelled cans. Drives a Japanese car.

If male lead is a doctor, he would be the leading expert in his field, and ALWAYS considered to be the next head of the hospital. Social smoker. Drinks wine. Drives a European car.

Note: If there are 2 male leads, they must be brothers, the elder one who never study is the policeman while the younger brother who got lucky is the doctor. They have a strained relationship.

Female lead is usually the male lead's wife.

Female lead is confirm Kan-Pua-Si-Lang Chio. Usually a civil servant.

Male lead's Mother is the most naggy woman on the planet but yet surprisingly, her relationship with her daughter-in-law is a tad too healthy.

Both women love children.

Female lead gets pregnant.

Due to some extremely forseen circumstance, usually an accident, the pregnancy will be made complicated.

At this point in time, the situation will require the male lead to choose between his wife and his baby.

The super Chio wife who still wears light makeup while lying in the hospital bed, wants to sacrifice herself for her baby.

The male lead will for some inexplicable reason, respect her wishes, and end up with a baby and a dead wife.

Okay, snap back to reality here people. Is there even a hint of doubt in the first place? Touch wood but if this kind of thing were to happen to me, my reaction would be...

"I'm sorry Mr. Yapster, we can't save both of them, you have to decide between your wife or the baby."

"It's okay Doc, save my wife, and after you are done, please go fuck yourself!"

"W-what?!"

"Which part of Go-Fuck-Yourself you dont understand? Idiot."

Just Add Camera...

2006-08-20T23:52:00.000+08:00

Unless you
1) have no Internet access, or
2) are blind, or
3) are just plain stupid, or
4) any combination of the above,

I'm sure you would have realised the enormous amounts of "Zi Pai" or "Self-Taken" photos that have been dumped on the Internet in recent times.

I really have nothing against self-confessed "Camera Bitches", especially if they are extremely good-looking but tell me something, why would anyone, in the right frame of mind, take erm... artistic photographs of themselves AND let the photos end up online?

Thus i realised to greatly reduce the mental capacity of ladies, just put a camera in their hands. Want more? Add a full length mirror. The results speak for themselves.

Advice for girls who always fall for the Assholes, then lament about it...

2006-08-10T22:33:00.000+08:00

"Shut the fuck up!"

Taxi

2006-08-10T22:10:00.000+08:00

"Eh, got watch NDP or not? Every year the parade same, Si Beah Sian hor?"

"Oh, i seldom watch, actually i was playing mahjong..."

"Wah so shiok ah? So never watch lah?"

"No i didn't."

"You know what they should do or not? Instead of every year the same, they should ask the Mini-stars all come down and do line dance or something! More fun mah, not every year sit there and never move. Show that they are enjoying themselves mah!"

"Haha. Maybe..."

"You know what? Why the PM never like hug the MM when he arrives at the stadium ah?"

"Huh?"

"Respect mah! At least let the Singaporean see that they are a loving family! Why don't all the Mini-stars hold their families' hands when they sing the national songs? Best, hold their families' hands when they come into the stadium mah! Show that they are not Atas!"

"Erm.... Maybe..."

"I don't know lah, but we must respect the Old Man, without him you don't have all your expressway run here run there like Singapore today! All our economy so stable and got jobs. I mean i didn't support* the Old Man but i respect him!"

"Yeah, i agree."

"But then ah, i think the NDP they must have something different lah, like karaoke lor!"

"Haha, huh?"

"You know, PM one song, MM one song, any language also can lah! After that all sing together, shiok what!"

"Haha, maybe maybe."

"Yeah, so the President won't be so Sian, you see he sit there alone, so boring!"

"Hm... Quite true, comes late leaves early somemore."

"Haha, correct! Come late leave early. Ask him to join in mah! More fun! At least something different mah. If they let me organise NDP, i tell you, i sure do different one!"

"Haha, i also say."

2 Lessons

2006-07-25T21:20:00.000+08:00

News from BBC World...

"A Malaysian princess has been murdered while trying to defend her husband from the couple's 21-year-old son.
Police say the youth, who is the nephew of the sultan of the Malaysian state of Pahang, died later in hospital apparently from a drug overdose.
Malaysian royalty seem to have suffered more than their fair share of tragedy and scandal in recent years.
In 2002, the young second wife of a prince from the state of Parak's royal family was murdered. The prince's first wife was arrested but released without charge during the investigation. Four men, including two black magicians, were eventually convicted of her murder."

Lesson 1 : Stay away from drugs, you are less likely to get killed.

Lesson 2 : For your next party, hire white magicians instead, you are less likely to get killed.

Fat Slut! What you doing? (Part Whatever)

2006-07-25T20:28:00.000+08:00

Yes people, this is the 3rd installment of the popular "What you doing?" series. The star of our post today is a rather "big boned" female student, who is under the assumption that her english is pretty good, and boy does she have an attitude. So lets call her Fat Slut shall we? Yes? Moving right along...

It was a Friday morning, and yes, once again i was lucky enough to board bus service 963E. (For the benefit of those who don't know what the "E" means, click here) As the bus reached Bukit Panjang, Fat Slut came on board after hesitating for half a second. I could sense that she was unsure what the "E" in 963E meant as she kept very close to the exit door on the left side of the bus, causing it to tilt ever so slightly when negotiating left turns.

As the bus neared her school, she did what every law abiding citizen would do and pressed the bell to signal her intention to alight. Little did she know that 963E does not serve the bus stop in front of her school. Even little-er did she realise that the bus doesn't stop at the next stop after her school, nor the next stop after that, nor the next next stop after that!

When the drove pass her stop, Fat Slut thought the driver has purposely missed her stop, so she frantically pressed the bell in hope of getting the driver to stop at the next one. When the bus whizzed pass the next stop without stopping, Fat Slut, whom i can see was almost going to get a stroke, decided that the best way to voice her protest, was to irritate the hell out of ever other passenger by pressing the bell every 5 seconds!

One thousand two thousand three thousand four thousand "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"

One thousand two thousand three thousand four thousand "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"

One thousand two thousand three thousand four thousand "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"

One thousand two thousand three thousand four thousand "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"

One thousand two thousand three thousand four thousand "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"

By now Fat Slut had succeed in attracting the attention of EVERONE on the bus. The driver looked through his rear view mirror, gave a "Press lor, i'm not going to stop" look and carried on driving. I swear that with every passing bus stop we passed, the smug look on the driver grew more and more obvious. Of course yours truly was enjoying every moment of it as well. It's like watching the World Cup, when you shout "Ole" everytime your favourite team completes a pass, i felt like standing up and shouting "Ole" as the bus drove pass every bus stop without stopping.

Avoiding eye-contact with everyone, a defeated Fat Slut made her way towards the driver and had a few words with him. That was when she found out the brutal truth. A total of 4 stops later, the bus finally stops and Fat Slut alights, knowing damn well that she made a complete fool of herself in public.

This little episode teaches us, "Not to make yourself look more stupid than you already are". Fat Slut, i dedicate this post to you. Hope that your sorry excuse for a brain understands this valuable lesson that life has decided to teach you. God Bless...

Again?!

2006-07-24T20:57:00.000+08:00

"Again you explained. Again you apologized. Again you asked me not to be angry. But somehow, its no longer bout getting angry. It's bout the disappointment. The sadness. The feeling of being cheated, again."

How many times must someone be cheated upon before they learn not to trust assholes again? How many times must they be mistreated before they realise that it's not worth it?
What will it take to finally make them see that they are being short-changed?
What kind of catastrophe needs to happen before they finally call it quits?

I have fucking had it with these people. How many times do i have to tell you, "If he treats you like crap, leave him."

Standard responses...

"I can't, he'll kill me..."

"I'm afraid he will do silly things..."

"He wouldn't let me go..."

"He promised this is the last time..."

Wake up! The son-of-a-bitch behaves like that because YOU allow him to. Please, just stop letting these scums of the universe rape you of what little diginity you have left. If you are not blind/deaf/retarded, kindly heed my advice and do the right thing, now.

Can Someone Explain?

2006-07-16T22:07:00.000+08:00

Noticed a rather unhealthy trend while watching television today.

1) Chinese drama, to celebrate the Emperor's birthday, one of the gifts will CONFIRM be a scantily dressed western lady dancer.

2) Chinese soap, to celebrate the GM's birthday, his employees presented him with a western lady dancer dressed in a bunny suit.

3) Western shows, the maids, gang leaders' women and other "low ranking" women are mostly Asian.

Can someone tell me why this is so?

New Movie?

2006-07-14T12:48:00.000+08:00

The Chinese legend of Hua Mulan centers on a woman who disguises herself as a man to take the place of her elderly father in the army. The story can be traced back to The Ballad of Mulan. The earliest accounts of the legend state that she lived during the Northern Wei dynasty (386–534).

Although Mulan is weak in comparison to her fellow soldiers, she works hard and soon becomes a respected part of her group, which is led by Captain Li Shang. She soon falls in love with him, and it seems he feels the same affections (Brokebackish?).

After Mulan "defeats" the Huns with her ingenious plan, Shang finds out that she is actually not a man (AFTER having affections for her/him), and kicks her out of the group. Before Mulan leaves the battlefield, she finds out that the Huns are actually alive and warns Shang and the emperor. Eventually, she ends up saving the kingdom, marrying Shang and living happily ever after.

20 years later...

Shang becomes emperor after the former ruler mysteriously dies after apparently sleeping on the famous "Bed of Nails" from the infamous Top 10 Punishments of China. He and Mulan have a daughter, which they affectionately named Princess Tulan, and life was peaceful apart from the occasional assissination attempts.

Now for the past 20 years, the Huns have been planning for revenge. One fine day, while out hunting in the backforest, Emperor Shang was ambushed and captured by the Huns. Mulan, determined to save her husband, prepares herself to infiltrate the enemy's camp to extricate her beloved source-of-endless-wealth.

M: "Tulan, I must go!"

T: "No Mother, it's too dangerous!"

M: "If I can outsmart them 20 years ago, I can do it again!"

T (Under her breath): "20 years ago imperial guards still wearing shorts..."

M: "What!?"

T: "Nothing Mother, let me go with you! We can call ourselves, 'The MuTu'!"

M: "No, you stay here and play with the eunuchs until I return with your Dad."

T: "But Ling GongGong has nothing for me to play with!"

M: "Oh shut up and help me get my armour on! Damn these used to fit the last time I wore them!"

After the preparations, Mulan rode out with her husband's buddy during their Basic Military Training days, General Xia (They were the famous Shang Xia Brothers, aka Up Down Brothers) to rescue the emperor. Unfortunately they lost their way midway through the journey. Now Tulan must set out to 1)Find Mummy, then 2)Rescue Daddy so that got more pocket-money.

T: "Stupid Mother lost her way, now I have to go save her ass, Advisor, get me the 2 best men we have!"

A: "Let me introduce you to the left and right hand man of your Father, the emperor. I bring before you, Captain Zuo and Captain Yew."

Z & Y: "Our respects to you!"

T: "Apparently both of your will fall for me and eventually I'l have to marry one of you if this crappy story ends the way everybody expects, so i suggest you two go work it out yourself who dies during this mission so I would have less of a headache!"

Z & Y: "Yes Princess!" (Turns to face each other...)

Z & Y: "Scissors Paper Stone! Scissors Paper Stone! Scissors Paper Stone!"

T: "Morons..."

And so, our heroine rides into the sunset in search of her missing Mother and General Xia, whom she suspects is her real Father. Will she succeed? Can they rescue Emperor Shang? Who is Tulan's real father?

(Movie trailer)

This summer... (Image of sun rising over the horizon)

Travel back in time to ancient China... (Scenes from inside the Forbidden City, shuffling feet of eunuchs and maidens, Shang sitting on throne, Mulan "shoot eyes" with Xia, etc.)

And experience the adventure... (Soldiers on horseback, riding thru the desert)

AGAIN! (Sword fighting, arrow shooting, more horseback riding etc.)

Mulan II : MAMA M.I.A. , Missing In Action

Coming to a theatre near you!

I am a Singaporean (Inspired by Mr. Brown)

2006-07-07T17:10:00.000+08:00

I am NOT tech-savvy so i don't know how to grow a podcast. So here goes my declaration...

My nickname is Dua-Tau,
Because i wear a size seven & three-quarter cap.
My Dad taught me how to drink and swear in 2 different dialects,
I picked up smoking the same year he quit.
I want to learn the Japanese language,
So i can understand Japanese por... artistic movies.
I watch the EPL and support Manchester United,
But i hate the England team and some fellow United supporters.
I love to sing and i think i'm good at it,
Yet i'm a Singapore Idol reject, maybe because i always lip-synched the National Anthem during assembly.
I live in a 5-room HDB flat that is fully paid for by my parents (Thanks Mum, Dad),
And they plan to sell it to me when i get married.
I don't have a degree, nor a high salary, nor a car licence,
But i plan to own a BMW in 5 years time, on second thoughts, maybe a BMX.
I have a blog that no one reads, i say "Drink Bastard!" instead of "Cheers", my name is Robin Yap and i am a Singaporean.
So say we all (So say we all)
I also say.

Uncle! What you doing? (Part II)

2006-06-30T17:11:00.000+08:00

One fine Monday morning, i was aboard Bus Service 963E on my way to work (This time it's work, not Hell, Bus 268 goes to Hell). Okay, let me repeat, Bus Service 963E, with the "E" as in "Express". The good thing about this "E" is that it saves me a good 20mins off my journey, the shitty part is that the service skips a considerable number of stops and leaves some poor jokers flagging in vain for a bus that doesn't stop at their bus stop, actually that's also good.

Here's what happened, the traffic that day was particularly bad as it was the first day after the June Holidays. As the bus approached the bus stop which it was NOT supposed to pick up passengers, it sorta got stuck in a "red light plus yellow box" situation, causing it to come to a halt at the position shown in the illustration below.

Here's where, (let's call him) Horny Uncle comes in, while the bus was approaching the bus stop, he was already trying to flag it down like nobody's business. BUT that wasn't going to happen of course. Instead when the bus stopped behind the yellow box, Horny Uncle rushed out to the road and tried to pull a 6/4 Tian-An-Men-Man-Stops-Tank-By-Standing-In-Front-Of-It stunt!
The bus captain was obviously unimpressed by Horny Uncle's animated charade performance and refused to open the door OR run him over. Behind us, a bunch of pissed drivers were already growing impatient and were making their frustrations heard. After about 15 seconds of drama, Horny Uncle finally relented and allowed us to pass, not without giving his signature defiant look and all!

Up to this stage if the thought "Why the name Horny Uncle?" never crossed your mind, shame on you. Nevermind, being the nice guy that i am, i shall explain. You see, Bus Service 963/963E travels to HarbourFront. So..........

963/963E = HarbourFront = Ferry Terminal = Ferry Trip = Batam = 2nd/3rd/4th wife

Poor Uncle must be rushing to make his weekly CPF contributions (to the GDP of the island)...

SMS Alerts Singaporeans will appreciate (Part II)

2006-06-24T16:57:00.000+08:00

For Ms. Khee, who wants to make a quick buck.

1. 4D Alert
***(Msg Ref: 9750)Dear Subscriber, a traffic accident has occured at the junction of Woodlands Dr 15 and Dr 17, in front of Blk 452, between Vehicle Numbers XXX3647X and YYY4188Y at 1458hrs. Kindly proceed to your nearest Singapore Pools Outlet and place bets for 4D Numbers 9750, 1517, 0452, 3647, 4188 and 1458 for Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday. Huat Ah!***

Disclaimer: Numbers are plucked from the sky and bears no reference to anything or anyone what-so-ever.

Also for Ms. Khee...
2. Investment Alert
***Dear Subscriber. Want to earn USD$500,000 in a month? All you need is a valid personal bank account and SGD$50,000! The Nigerian Investors Association will transfer funds to/fro Nigeria via your bank account for undisclosed business activities. Each transaction entitles you to earn up to USD$10,000! There are also attractive prizes to be won with the top prize of a pair of (No-Return) Air Tickets to Africa! To register, reply this SMS with your Name and Email Address. Successful applicants will receive a confirmation email and instructions on how to conduct fund transfers. Hurry, sign up NOW***

3. Wife Alert (Service available for Batam/Balai and other neighbouring islands)
***Dear Mr. Subscriber. Our Auto-Roaming Relay Station has detected your spouse's mobile signal on the island. Kindly cease all sexual (Natural/Unnatural) activities with your underaged service provider and take the earliest ferry home***

Back in Singapore,
***Thank you for using XXX Telco's Wife Alert Service. For our valued customers, we are introducing our latest service, Geylang Directory. Just text [Lorong Number] [space] [Geylang]to 4395264 whenever you are in Geylang for some "nightsnacks". XXX Telco will send you an SMS with information on all the "Dragon Ladies" within 10 Lorongs of your location. Now you never have to hunt high and low for them with the new Geylang Directory***

SMS Alerts Singaporeans will appreciate...

2006-06-23T16:50:00.000+08:00

1. Carpark Aunty SMS Alert
***Dear Owner of vehicle no. SKY1234Z, our Global Positioning System has detected a Carpark Attendant within 20 meters of your vehicle. Please ensure that you have displayed a valid parking coupon, else please abandon your half-eaten bowl of Bar Chor Mee (No Ter Kua) and proceed immediately to your vehicle***

2. Loan Shark SMS Alert
***Dear Subscriber, Signal NOT clear. Our sensors have detected traces of red paint and pork remains near your residence. Please secure the front door and any windows facing the common corridor and pretend that no one is home***

30 seconds later... ...
***Reminder: Please settle your outstanding bill of $148.96 as soon as possible. XXX Telco reserves the rights to outsource our credit collection to the illegal debt collectors who are currently outside your door. If you have settled the outstanding amount, kindly ignore this message. We hope your mobile phone is on silent mode =P***

Abit tired to write somemore. Stay tuned for Part II...

PS: Feel free to contribute ideas, i will come up with the SMS contents.

SMS Alert

2006-06-23T11:17:00.000+08:00

Read this off the news today.

"Some German professors have launched a system to warn subscribers of an impending tsunami, wherever they are, via a mobile text message. The inventors say such a system could prevent tragedies like the 2004 Asian tsunami ...

... But the tsunami alert system via mobile phones is not free. A year's subscription costs about $60 (US$40). Holidaymakers can also subscribe to a monthly subscription of $20 dollars (US$12.50). They can go online to do so at http://www.tsunami-alarm-system.com."

Apparently subscribers will receive an SMS that reads "**All Signals Clear** A Tsunami is NO longer expected according to our data and danger prognosis** Thank you very much for using the Tsunami Alarm"

Ok first things first, can somebody tell me what kind of SMS the system will send if a Tsunami is expected?

Will it read something like "**Signal NOT clear** A Tsunami IS expected within your vicinity according to our data and danger prognosis** Kindly settle your outstanding balance of US$12.50 at your nearest Self-Automated Kiosk BEFORE you go in search of higher ground. Thank you very much for using the Tsunami Alarm and we pray for your continued support"?

Or a much simpler "**Signal NOT clear** RUN! Thank you for using the Tsunami Alarm, we shall proceed to process your bill and send it to your next-of-kin, just in case"?

Pardon me while i confirm my one-way ticket to Hell...

Why girls end up with assholes?

2006-06-22T10:37:00.000+08:00

Nice post on why girls end up with assholes. "Unpolished" refers to the asshole in the story...

"I'm not wondering how beautiful girls end up with assholes. That's too easy, and I don't have to wonder about it much. If you end up with an asshole on your arm -- whether male or female -- it's because you're flawed. I'm flawed, and I've had the occasional asshole on my arm. You get stuck with an asshole because you think very little of yourself. Or the sex is phenomenal. Or you're after money or drugs.

I know this already. So do you.I'm wondering what's there when all that you "see in him" is gone. When the whole alpha male act gets tired, and what you're left with is a semi-literate manual laborer with poor work habits who's just been told by the State of New York that he's no longer permitted to drive on its roadways. What happens then? Is your love for such a person so unconditional that you'll continue to sit and stroke the webbing between his fingers even though he's just been metaphorically castrated by the judicial system?

I wonder about her parents. Had they cared? Had they put ribbons in her hair and made her sit at the kitchen table and work her multiplication tables? Had her father run after her the first time she rode without training wheels? Had he known she'd end up with Unpolished, stroking the webbing between his fingers on a bench outside the courtroom?

I can't pretend to know what transpires between the two of them. I looked over at this man, and he had nothing. No command of his native language. No idea how to dress for a court appearance. Probably never opened a book voluntarily in his life. But he had her, and she was beautiful and I wondered what would happen once they walked out the doors of the courthouse."

Damn i wish i could write like that...

Of Cups and Pots...

2006-06-19T14:52:00.000+08:00

Clay Pot :
1. An earthen vessel, appropriated to any of a great variety of uses, as for boiling (frog) meat or vegetables, for holding liquids, for plants, etc.
Example: "There is a famous store at Geylang selling clay pot frog porridge."

2. A situation where one places losing bets for every single football match over a given period of time. (Opposite : Jackpot)
Example: "Nao Hia! Yesterday night World Cup bet 3 games all lose! Kena clay pot sia!"

Back with the Reds?

2006-06-04T17:49:00.000+08:00

After a lengthy absence from then team, Yap finally played again for the Reds. Unfortunately they were unable to find a keeper so i had to fulfill that role. We played relatively well with only 1 substitute, drew 1-1 (I conceded a penalty) after going ahead 1-0 in the 2nd half. There were jokes going around of me putting on weight and looking like a steamed chicken. I was even referred to as the 'Prodigal Son' who disappeared. If i'm promised an outfield position next week, i will definitely play again. So please give me strength and stamina to last at least 20mins on the pitch.

Of My Luv For Singapore Idol

2006-05-24T21:35:00.000+08:00

If you haven't been living in a cave for the past week, i'm sure you would have come across the names "Kung Fu Rapper", "Mirror Boy" and "Nong Nong Ago"... Remember these 3 names, for they are going to become "household-ed" very soon...

Yes, yes, i know i'm in no position to talk about this issue for the fact that i might be labelled a first class sour-grape, but hey, BITE ME!

Yes, yes, i know that featuring these jokers, i mean, contestants, is to increase the competition's marketability, and the fact that we all need a good laugh sometimes.

But how many of you know that these jokers actually MADE IT THRU THE FIRST ROUND OF AUDITIONS? Yep, these people actually made it through the first round of auditions, which are judged by producers instead of the 4 judges. Bet you didn't know that right? Correct me if i'm wrong, that means "Silent Whisper Man" made it through TWO first round auditions! And what do the judges tell him?

"Don't ever come back again!"

If he was that bad in the first place, why did the producers give him the thumbs-up not once, but twice? Is this some kind of sick joke? Or a lame attempt at improving the ratings? You tell me.

What about "Banana Man"? He was such a hit during the first round of auditions and everyone loved him! But i'm sure it was Ken Lim who told him to "Take off your mask or leave". What's the point there? It's like setting an accused free and shooting the poor bastard outside the courthouse.

From the trailers (I will not be caught dead watching the so-called "auditions"), i believe that Kung Fu Rapper actually tried to do a Chinese rap song by Jay Chow. Mirror Boy tried to do, i actually don't know what he was trying to do but after he was eliminated from the auditions, he fell head first before reaching the exit. Lastly, Nong Nong Ago was this guy who could not pronounce "Long Long Ago" properly.

I mean, how low do we have to go? Why can't we have a proper singing competition that does not involve clowns? I understand that entertainment value is very important but there must be a better way to do it. Take American Idol for example, the jokers are weeded out during the first round of auditions but not before they are allowed their 15 seconds of fame.

Just to sum up, i believe last year's winner released ONE album, and was last seen doing some "extravagant music" thingy while sucking soda out of a rather large, red, disposable cup. Second place fella released a CHINESE album and was last seen playing "Canon in D" at a charity show. As for the third place fella, we are beginning to see less and less of her, all thanks to the weight loss program.

In stark contrast, Project Superstar winner has released an album, and will be performing at his own concert later this year. Runner up also has an album out in the stores, plus a re-issue which includes her new single. Third place has released his first single, and the album is already in the pipeline. As for fourth place, he has already signed for a record company even though he is still serving his NS!

I rest my case.

What kind of dumpster are you?

2006-05-21T21:05:00.000+08:00

This matter crossed my mind recently. I know it's abit, erm... okay, VERY Bo Liao to be noticing other people's shitting habits but i find it rather interesting. I've come up with a few categories below, see if you fit into anyone of them, or feel free to add to my observations. Note : Restricted to public toilets, i don't care what you do in the privacy of your own home.

1. The Paranoid Shitters
This kind of people make every effort to ensure the cleaniness of the toilet bowl before they are willing to sit their asses on the toilet seat. They will inspect all the available cubicles, select the cleanest possible one, use half a roll of toilet paper to wipe the toilet seat, use the remaining half to "line" the toilet seat, and when they are done, they wipe their jade asses with their ultra-soft toilet paper which they bring along themselves.

2. The Squatters
Disgusted with the sheer condition of the toilet seats in some public toilets, the Squatters simply refuse to contaminate their bacteria-free asses by sitting on the toilet seats. They resort to squatting on the toilet seats instead, knowingly running the risk that they might lose their footing and fall to a stinky death. Although their courage and balancing skills are admirable, their intelligence leaves alot to be desired.

3. The Bo Chups
Also called the "Buay Pai Seahs", these people literally announce their presence in the toilet by "letting it rip" there and then. They play their Symphony Le Fart at volumes which allows you to appreciate the quality of the acoutics of our public toilets. Of course the fragrance that follows the performance deserves a mention as well.

Please feel free to contribute.

Shitting Face-Off

2006-05-21T20:38:00.000+08:00

Happened to me while i was taking a morning dump at the office toilet after breakfast. As i'm the kind of person who would prefer to go about my "business" in complete privacy, i chose the corner cubicle.

For the next 3 - 5 minutes nobody entered the toilet, I was almost done when someone entered and decided to use the cubicle next to mine.

"Damn!" i thought, "Can't i finish in peace?"

Now we all know that there are gaps below the walls that separate most public toilets cubicles, yes? Well, this particular guy wears his Photo ID access card on the left side of his pants, so as he dropped his pants and sat down, there was his "face" staring straight at me thru the gap!

"WTF! Can that be considered as peeping?"

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. All i remember was if you rearrange his initials, they spell "YSL"...

1 vulgar, 1 dollar!

2006-05-06T16:43:00.000+08:00

The Captain has just implemented a new rule.

"A fine of S$1.oo will be imposed on anyone who uses explicit language during office hours (Inclusive of lunchtime)"

Well done, now the already fucked up mood in the department will be made worse. At a time when Agents are supposed to support and motivate one another, we are turning against each other as we try our best to agitate others into using explicits. The atmosphere is tense and as a sign of protest, i simply refuse to talk. I'm not encouraging the use of impolite language in the office hours but in our situation, sometimes we really need to blow off abit of steam after encountering a shitty prospect. It's not like we scream it out at the top of our voices, we usually just utter it without even realising it. Best of all, lunchtime also cannot use vulgarities. How like that?

4 working days left, i hope i don't get 整死 before i leave the God forsaken place.

10 Signs

2006-05-06T16:19:00.000+08:00

Got this off MSN, for the benefit of the ladies, i will attempt to answer them as honestly as possible.

1. Is your date kind, respectful and appropriately generous to waiters/waitresses, bus drivers, sales clerks, etc?
- I'm exceptionally kind, especially to service staff. It's because i used to be in the industry and i know exactly what they are going thru.

2. Has your sweetie confessed to any immoral behavior: Cheating, stealing, lying, inappropriate aggression? If so, how much reflection on this and desire to change has this person shown since then?
- I've always told people i'm not the perfect human being, but hey, who is?

3. Does the person you’re dating have any addictions: Drinking, gambling, shopping? Does he or she want to change—and is he or she working to make change happen?
- Drinking seems to be my biggest problem, and singing of course.

4. Does your honey have a lot of lasting friendships—or hardly any?
- Yeah you can say that my friendships are pretty long lasting. But i'm guilty of being extremely lazy and anti-social when it comes to class gatherings.

5. Does your date always tell stories about bad dynamics he or she experiences with other people? Or does he or she seem to get along easily, even swimmingly, with others?
- At the present moment, i only have ONE enemy whom i bitch about everyday. The rest of the time i have decent human skills.

6. Does your sweetie comment on news stories with a sense of empathy and awareness, or is he or she low on expressing compassion for all that is going on in this world?
- If the topic is of a certain importance to me or something i feel strongly about i will tend to be more aware, else i can be rather detached sometimes.

7. Have you witnessed your date doing small acts of kindness (leaving a very big tip for no apparent reason, helping someone with his or her shopping bags)?
- If i do that, i'm most probably trying to impress someone special. I'm what you can describe as an "intentional" person.

8. Does this person donate time, money and energy to good causes/charity?
- I do, honestly. Just not a lot.

9. Does your honey value self-growth—and show this by being open to hearing your grievances, accepting responsibility for problems when merited, and sharing with you how much he or she values learning lessons in life?
- One word, Yes.

10. Does your sweetie truly value open communication and know how to listen? When you’re upset or need nurturing, does this person deal with the problem at the speed of life... or shut down/stonewall/attack/condescend?
- I will listen to you as long as you listen to me.

Burgers and Fries

2006-05-04T22:04:00.000+08:00

I'm sick, physically sick with a bad throat and my wisdom tooth is not helping. I missed the interview at HP because of that (Beng, my apologies). I'm also sick of the things that happened this crappy week. Wednesday in particular was a classic shitty day at work. Here's what happened.

Captain, for whatever reason, decided to challenge us again. She looked at Tueday's figures and decided that each of us should generate 3 leads before lunch. Pity no one reminded her that Tuesday's figures were a direct result of the "roll-over" from Monday, which was a holiday! Incoming calls and enquiries from the past 3 days (Saturday to Monday) were sitting in the email, waiting to be churned out.

No need to ask how many Yap generated before lunch, i'm sure you all would have guessed correctly, and said zero. Yep, a big fat blank space on the box beside my name on the white board. After lunch, i went back to the office and waited till 2pm to call what i would consider the most potential prospect on my list that day. By 2.15pm, Bingo, i've got him hooked. So off i went, lead in hand, with great relief, to the Captain's quarters to ask who i should forward the lead to. Of course i do not expect to be praised for generating a lead, for the simple fact that it is my job, but instead i was lectured for what was termed as doing, quote, "not our core business". Let me explain it to you using my favourite method.

(At a fast food joint)
Counter Boy: "Welcome to Assholes Dine Together, any of the set meals for you Sir?"

Customer: "Hm... i'l just have a regular fries, already ate something earlier."

Counter Boy: "Okay Sir. One regular fries!"

Boss: "Eh Counter Boy! Recently you all have been selling a lot of fries! Why no burgers? Fries is not our core business!"

Counter Boy: "Erm..." (Proceeds to suck his own thumb cos he got nothing to say)

I mean i know what i'm suppose to do, but when a prospect expresses his interest in a certain kind of product, wouldn't a normal salesperson zoom in on that particular area, and then try to cross-sell other products later? No? Yes? If the bugger wants fries then give him the fries right? If your fries are good, most probably he's going to come back for your burgers. Right? Wrong? Nevermind, we move on.

15 minutes, and one phonecall later, i got another prospect asking for fries. "Great" i thought to myself, "Another chance to get insulted for doing my job". I held on to the lead for a good 10 minutes, thinking whether i should just chuck it aside. But the desire to whore myself overcame me because i didn't want to end up with just ONE lead a day. So, Yap went to the Captain with a heavy heart.

Boss: "Fries again?"

Counter Boy: "Yeah, and he wants it now." (In his most innocent voice)

Boss: "What about burgers? Didn't you ask?"

Counter Boy: "I did, he didn't want any."

Boss: "Didn't you tell him that our burgers are the best in town? He'll surely want one!"

Counter Boy: "He told me he just wants fries, now."

Once again, prostitute Yap manages to get his intelligence insulted and his self-esteem shattered. Applause please. I was so disillusioned that i mistook one salesperson for the other and sent the lead to the wrong email address. Blur me also called the salesperson by the wrong name, and gave him the details while sending the email to a different address. After i was fucked once for sending it to the wrong salesperson, i was fucked again for redirecting the email to the correct salesperson because i didn't "keep someone in the loop". Imagine, being abused 3 times for generating 1 lead...

To put the cherry on top of the icing on top of the cake, the salesperson went and closed the deal. All within 4 hours of my phonecall! Prospect initially asked for 2 - 3 CCTV camera points to monitor his staff and over the phone, he came across as someone who was on a tight budget as he kept asking about the price. In the end, our dear friend signed for 6 CCTV camera points and a DVR recorder for almost $4,000! That's like adding salted insult to my injuries!

Up to date i generated 11 closed sales leads and made more than $15,000 IN PROFITS, NOT GROSS REVENUE, for the company. If insulting my abilities and intelligence isn't enough, it has also just been confirmed that i will not be getting the $550 ($50 x 11) in commission. Thus once again my dear readers, i would like to say, Kan Nin Lao Bu Eh Chao Chee Bye!

What's wrong with you?

2006-04-30T15:11:00.000+08:00

'A man in his 50's uses his CPF savings to keep a mistress who is a local student and 30 years his junior...'
Uncle! What's wrong with you? CPF is meant for the "Dragon Ladies"! The lil'bitch has her own CPF account, sad thing is you won't be around when she's old enough to use it.

'Elderly man in his 60's blows his entire life savings in Batam...'
Uncle! What's wrong with you? THEY are suppose to blow YOU, not the other way round! Stop lying to your wife that you are in Batam to pray at the temple, with the amount you spent there, you can OWN the temple.

Uncle? What doing you?

2006-04-27T21:04:00.000+08:00

Last week he did it, but i forgot to blog about it, today he did it AGAIN, so i die die must talk about it.

To get to hell, i mean, work everyday, i need to take SBS feeder service 268. What this particular bus driver did can only be described as "nutty yet logical". You see, halfway thru the journey, the bus will have to make a right turn at a T-junction before entering AMK Ind Pk II. The annoying thing about this is that the traffic lights always favours the vehicles travelling straight along this junction and the wait for the green light is a rather lengthy one.

BUT this Uncle very smart, for 2 times the bus he was driving arrived at the junction just as the lights turned red. So what does he do? Simple.

Step 1 : Open the boarding door on his left.

Step 2 : Leave his seat and alights from the boarding door.

Step 3 : Walk to the traffic light.

Step 4 : Press the button which the pedestrians use when they want to cross the road.

Step 5 : Return to driving position.

And presto! Within 15 seconds the light turns green, along with the "green man", but nobody is crossing the road! Brilliant! Uncle should go write a book on driving.

For those with weak imagination

Classic Conversations II

2006-04-27T20:35:00.000+08:00

Telephone conversations that are out of this world...

Agent :"... alright Mr. Wong, i will get my security advisors to give you a call regarding this issue, if you don't mind Mr. Wong, can i have your full name or initials?"

Wong :"Okay..."

Agent :"Okay Mr. Wong, your initials are?" (Ready with pen and paper)

Wong :"Okay..."

Agent :"... erm Mr. Wong, your initials?"

Wong :"O. K. Wong"

Agent :"Orh! Mr. O. K. Wong, okay okay"

Kan Nin Nah damn funny lor! I laugh until flip! Here's another one, luckily this didn't happen to me.

Agent :"Hi good afternoon Sir, this is Agent here speaking, i'm calling from All Die Together and the purpose of my call is to let you know about the promotion ..." (Confidently delivers his well-rehearsed sales pitch)

Moment of silence...

Agent :"What? You want to terminate? Oh okay okay, sorry Sir"

Turns out he called an unsatisfied customer! Today we got this...

Agent :"May i know why you say you don't need a security system?"

Prospect :"Here got more than 10 dogs."

Agent :"???"

God this is a thankless job!

If you want to "die back"

2006-04-20T21:56:00.000+08:00

If you want to "die back" to the person who treated you like a slave? Go ahead. I wish you all the best. Please come crawling to me when he beats you like a dog again. It's because as I see you stand there with your bruised body, shattered pride and tearful eyes, I will laugh...

Phew, now that feels better!

I feel like Barrichello...

2006-04-20T20:53:00.000+08:00

God, now i realise how Barrichello feels! Barri-who? Rubens Barrichello lah! Former Team Ferrari driver.

Over the past 2 weeks, i learned first-hand how it feels to be treated as second best, ironic, yes? Things didn't go according to plan, and apparently im not going to be top salesman for this internship. "The Captain" has singled out her choice as to whichever Intern has the most potential to generate 100 leads this month (and hopefully be eligible to claim commission) and concentrated all her attention on this Intern.

As in Team Ferrari, once they found out that their number one driver is Schumacher, they fitted him with the better engine, pump Shell V-Power with FMT for him, gave him the fast-like-ninja pit crew, and asked Barrichello give way for him to claim the checkered flag in some races.

Knowing that i can only play second fiddle in this situation, i quietly went about my daily activities, lying low, not drawing any attention to myself whatsoever. "Great!", i thought "No pressure on me to perform, anyways cannot claim commission!"

BUT! Team Ferrari still expects poor Barrichello to get a fucking podium finish! Fuck you understand! Schumacher gets to screw TWO race queens, pop the biggest bottle of champagne, spray the fucking champagne at the TWO race queens, sit in the middle during press conference and choose to answer the fucking questions from the fucking reporters in any fucking language he fucking wants!

Barrichello gets what? Non-alcholic sparking wine, one small "Made in China" trophy, race queen the face like kena run over by F1 car like that and the only fucking reporters don't even want to ask him any fucking questions.

Poor dude, given a KIA engine, pump Shell 92, the pit crew slow like fuck, sometimes still must dismount himself and help during pit stop. How you expect him to finish on the podium?! Don't dream lah!

I generated 40 plus leads this month, 5 of which are already closed. I made good money for the company but i won't be rewarded with the commission i deserve. Yet you still want to "rape" me every other day and expect me to work my ass off for you. No can do. If not for my grade, i would have given up.

It's Thursday, tomorrow is our financial month end, Schumacher has 90 plus leads with a total of 8 sales closed, Barrichello has 40 plus leads, also a total of 8 sales closed. It's going to be a Ferrari One-Two, but guess who will be smiling in the end?

Grow up boy!

2006-04-11T21:49:00.000+08:00

What's up with the excessive compulsive possessive boyfriends nowsadays? I've come across some pretty serious cases in the past but the few i've heard of recently really takes things to a whole new level.

In the past, it was...
1. Calling her every 10mins to check on her whereabouts.
2. Calling her friends to check if she was lying about her whereabouts.
3. Demanding to know who she was going out with and where they were going before allowing her to go.

Now?
1. Checking her sms and call records.
2. Not allowing her to have other guy's phone numbers stored in her phone memory.
3. Tag along no matter where she goes or who she is with.
4. Repeatedly ask the same questions over and over again to see if her answer is different.
5. And many other heinous crimes against basic human rights.

Grow up will ya? If you really want to own something so much, get a pet. Boys like you shouldn't be allowed access to the female species. All you morons ever do with your "control freak" attitude is to disillusion the ladies and make the job for nice guys like me so much more difficult.

What? Don't know what "moron" means? Look into a mirror boy!

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse...

2006-04-10T20:48:00.000+08:00

Current situation

- Fucked up corporate management

- Always kena gang rape because of other people's mistakes

- Unable to achieve daily quota

- Mounting pressure to match Key Performance Indicators

- Morale is rock bottom

- Pay delayed for more than 2 weeks

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, this announcement was made today.

"Students who do not to generate 100 or more leads a month are not eligible for commission claims. . ."

Kan Nin Lao Bu, Lao Peh, Ah Kong, Ah Mah, Zhor Zong Chup Bueh Dai, Dua Hia, Dua Ji, Sio Beh, See Gin Ah, Pua Chee Bye, Lan Chiao, Neh Neh Pok, Ku Bye, Ku Ku Chiao, Lam Par Ji Tua Sway Liap, Doh Lan Her!
(Loosely translates to "Fuck your mother, father, grandfather, grandmother, ancestors for 18 generations, elder brothers, elder sisters, younger siblings, dead children, torn cunt, penis, breast, bird cunt, bird penis, testicles one big one small, burning penis fire!")

Ahem, pardon me but next time this sort of thing can say earlier? Thanks to this piece of news i officially declare that "LIM PEH SIAN LIAO".

The Story Of A Sinking Ship...

2006-04-08T13:33:00.000+08:00

Been meaning to write this post since ages ago but something happened yesterday and i guess it's time to tell you guys about "The sinking ship and the 4 people on board of it".

The Captain
Profile: Although already into the twilight years of her career, this is the first time this person has ever commanded a ship, all thanks to a rather myopic Fleet Admiral who of course by now, has washed her hands clean of her favourite prodigy. The Captain claims to be an expert in every aspect of sailing and never stops boosting about her geographical knowledge. With little experience in actually commanding a ship, the Captain constantly rides on her past accomplishments and using phrases like "During my time" and "I can do" in a vain attempt to convince her crew about her ability. The Captain is always guilty of trying to use corny motivational catch-phrases (the ones with the annoying pictures) to encourage her obviously unamused crew who simply refuse to "buy her shit". Another one of the Captain's pet peeves is to hurl abuses at groups of people for one person's mistake (sometimes the guilty motherfucker isn't even there), an amazing skill and ability which until today, leaves her crew in complete disbelief.
On board because: The Fleet Admiral made a mistake.
Wants to: Find land before the ship sinks or before her entire crew quits, whichever comes first.
But is actually: Going straight to Hell.

The Lieutenant
Profile: Jack-of-all-trades on board the stinking vessel. Although the Lieutenant was drafted on board the ship midway through its journey, he has managed to learn almost everything there is to know about sailing the ship. When the Captain has problems which can't be solved by verbally abusing someone, the Lieutenant steps in and solves it. In other words, he is the one who is actually running the show. Equipped with decent human skills, strategic thinking and a slick tongue, the Lieutenant has managed to create a haven for himself on board. Generally firm and kind hearted in the correct situations but his greatest fault could be his soft-spot for the ladies. Was last seen showing his resume to a couple of female Junior Ensigns and going on about his "New Life".
On board because: He knows he's going to be Captain one day.
Wants to: Be Captain.
But is actually: Looking for a job on other ships.

The 2nd Lieutenant
Profile: On board since Day 1 but feels he's not getting the deserved credit for his contributions to the ship. At the peak of his career, the 2nd Lieutenant was the most productive member on board and was reaping good profits until problems with his personal life messed up his career path. The saddest part was, he was the one who trained the Lieutenant. These unfortunate chain of events sent the 2nd Lieutenant's life straight down the drain. When not drunk, he is usually quarrelling over the phone with the women in his life. The Captain hates him and seizes every single opportunity to launch personal attacks at him. Knowing that he cannot even stand a second more on board the cursed ship, the 2nd Lieutenant expressed his intention to leave and starts looking for a lifejacket. One day after a war of words with the Captain, the 2nd Lieutenant went on deck to get some fresh air, without so much of a warning, the Captain came from behind, gave him a good shove and off the ship went her 2nd Lieutenant.
On board because: Not Applicable.
Wants to: Straighten out his life with a career change.
But is actually: Still trying to get his lifejacket on.

The Ensign
Profile: The joker and entertainer on board. Leaves everyone in stitches with his jokes and crazy antics. Has the ability to diffuse any tense situation created by the Captain and his peers are extremely thankful to him for that. The Ensign has amassed vast experience through years of sailing and has "been there and done that", unfortunately due to his lack of paper qualifications, the Ensign has to put up with the Captain slapping the back of his head everytime he says something wrong. The Ensign sees things as they are and tells you straight if he feels that something is fucked up. Last seen complaining about getting verbally abused in full view of 2 other ships sailing alongside. Favourite phrases are "Or-Bak-Kak" (Black eye) and "You Bapoh!" along with other dialect profanities.
On board because: He hasn't found a lifejacket, plus he has to feed his wife and his 2yr old.
Wants to: Chee Bye Quit Lah!
But is actually: Bo Pian...

*The above is a fictional story about the crew on board an imaginary ship, 'All Drown Together'. Resemblance of the characters to any persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

I will bring half my breakfast to work...

2006-04-05T20:57:00.000+08:00

Kaoz, now got new method to achieve the target numbers and that is the...

CANNOT HIT TARGET THEN CANNOT GO LUNCH METHOD!

How it works?
Basically everyone is forc.. i mean REQUIRED to generate at least 2 leads before we can even think about lunch. Up till now this method has worked pretty well, if anyone didn't achieve his/her target, the rest of us will help. In the end, as long as the figure on the board is equals to two times of the number of people calling, we get to eat. Simple, yes?

Now can someone tell me just many Human/Workers' Rights laws have been violated there? I'm not a free-loading moron and i know that it is my moral duty to at least put something on the board before i will allow myself to eat. I don't go to work every morning thinking about what's for lunch for fuck's sake so please don't pull this kind of stunt on me.

Rules are rules, 2 lunch shifts means 2 lunch shifts. 12pm to 1pm means 12pm to 1 pm, 1pm to 2pm means 1pm to 2pm. If not why was this written down and pointed out to us? If i go at 12 i will not come back a second after 1. I'm the kind who likes a little regimentation in my life so please grant me this tiny wish and at least let me know what time i get to eat. 12 or 1, simple as that. NOT 12.37pm or 1.14pm!

So i have decided to bring half my breakfast to the office. I will eat half of it at home and save the rest just in case the department has a shitty day. At least i won't be hungry...

Today, i found out that...

2006-04-05T20:42:00.000+08:00

Today at the office, i found out that...

the food of love is Sausage McMuffin w Egg Meal,

the song of love is "Because of you, the sun will always shine into our lives...",

the flower of love is still a rose and...

the language of love is "30 dollars added".

Have you ever?

2006-03-23T22:12:00.000+08:00

How many of you people have ever been in the situation whereby you follow instructions you kena fuck because you are an 'order taker' who can't think out of the box, when you try to be creative and think out of the box you kena fuck twice as hard again because you cannot follow simple instructions?

It's like asking you to choose between jumping off a 100 storey building and jumping off a 50 storey building, twice.

And which fucking idiot came up with this stupid 'think out of the box' phrase? Who says thinking has to be associated with boxes anyway? I suppose that moron left his/her brain in a box while coming up with that phrase!

Now can someone think out of the box and give me a more logical phrase...

Boss Say "Jump!", I Ask "How High?"

2006-03-23T21:25:00.000+08:00

One day you want results, next day you want quality, after that you want volume. You can say? I can do!

This morning i was threatened. It left a sick taste in my mouth but to cover my arse i will not blog about it until the 12th of May.

Anyways today, an angry Yapster managed more than 90 calls and generated 3 leads that were of good quality. Extremely good quality i might add.

Lead 1 : "You called at the right time! We were just looking for an alarm system..."

Lead 2 : "Yeah i know, $1 a day right? Get someone to come down between 3.30 to 4.30..."

Lead 3 : "We have 6 separate warehouses of about 33,000sq meters..."

If all these 3 leads turn into closed sales, i would have easily made more than $10,000 for the company. i still have about 28 more leads that are pending, amongst them more than half of which i feel pretty good about.

i think i'm a decent employee, for FUCK'S SAKE I KNOW I'M A DECENT EMPLOYEE! Yes i like to complain alot but i fucking get the job done. That makes me so much better than some people, whose combined effort today barely equals what i managed. So stop playing that old army trick on me where you point to one tree, ask me to run and touch that tree, then when i run back you tell me that it was the wrong tree. And you threaten to confine me for the weekend because i touched the wrong tree.

i agree that employees must be put under some form of pressure before they can achieve their full potential. Some are more receptive to it, some need a firmer shove while others just crumble. But why threaten? All i want is to get thru this and at the end feel good about it because i made money for the company. Yes, yes go ahead and call me a soft, narrow-minded pussy. i know that this treatment is to prepare me for the REAL WORLD out there. So tell me, what makes YOUR WORLD so special that it's different from mine?

Think about it while i try to get that bitter taste out of my mouth...

Classic Conversations

2006-03-22T22:16:00.000+08:00

People, after reading this, i sincerely hope you treat Telesales Agents with more respect next time. Even if you really don't want that security system, or that insurance plan, or even that pre-approved credit card, just refuse nicely. Don't scream at them, fuck them or slam the phone.

Here are some of the calls i've come across...

YYY: "Hello Mr. XXX, this is YYY calling from AD..."

XXX: "Not interested! *cluck* ddduuuuuuuuuu........"

YYY: "...T security services ..."

Haven't even say finish company name kena Kup Tien Weah, customer was a fucking DOCTOR ok! Guess your PHD never included manners.

RRR: "Hello, this is RRR calling from ADT security services, can i speak to the person in charge of the security aspects of your company?"

XXX: "Security? We got fire extinguishers! *cluck* ddduuuuuuuuu........"

Yeah, your Chee Bye fire extinguishers can sound the alarm and spray foam at intruders plus call the Police for you! Where you buy from? Help me buy 2 put my house.

Imagine kena have to do this everyday. Then followed by "kena fuck by your customers, then kena fuck by your supervisor, then kena fuck by your manager, go home still kena fuck by your mother", PLUS the Roti Prata Treatment. How liddat?!?!

Finally! The "Team Talk"!

2006-03-22T21:20:00.000+08:00

After 2 weeks of "cold-calling" customers our team leader decided to give us the much awaited team talk. I personally refuse to admit that we can be considered a "team" because sitting at a cubicle the entire day making phone calls, getting fucked left-right-center and pretending to work isn't what i would call a sport (Reference Alex Blagg).

Basically the content of his speech was the usual motivational stuff but my favourite part was when he said, "... i know it is tough ... blah blah blah ... kena fuck by your customers, after that kena fuck by your supervisor, after that kena fuck by your manager, go home still kena fuck by your mother ..." Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant i tell you! "... you have to know your own hit rate! If you have to call 100 to generate 1 lead, then do it! If you have to call 200 to generate 1 lead, you know you gotta call twice as many times ..."

I personally have one of the better conversion ratios but YET ANOTHER ROTI PRATA maneuver caused me to fall unceremoniously from grace. For the past 10 days, i was on a pretty healthy streak of about 3-4 leads with less than 60 phone calls made daily. I achieve this by carefully screening the list i'm given and giving priority to the leads which i feel have a better chance of closing. Suddenly i was told, "I don't care about the numbers on the board, in the end we look at your call volume, a healthy call volume is about 80 to 120 calls a day, it determines whether you pass or fail." I was stunned! So i thought to myself, "Chee Bye! I could be top sales agent among the attachment students and still fail this IPP! Nah Beh, anyhow call lah! Just hit 80 can liao, sure can generate more than 4 a day."

Ladies and Gentlemen, for the pass 2 days, Yap generated a grand total of ZERO leads. The drop is amazing, in my first 10 days, i generated 32 leads. For the past 2 days, kosong! Best of all, today i kena call one existing customer who wants additional items, this kind of case cannot add to my tally, don't know can claim or not, and waste 15 minutes of my time! Kan Nin Nah is like step on shit already still take the shit and smear on the face! AND all this time i was thinking to myself that as long as it's a sale it will benefit the company (and one lucky Resale Agent), apparently not everyone thinks the same although they all seem to SAY the same. Looks like another case of Chwee Kong Lam Par Song (Mouth Talk, Testicles Refresh).

Already i'm beginning to lose my patience with SOME PEOPLE but i don't want to talk about it now. When i don't have to see them anymore i will eventually blog about it. In the meantime, i'm frying a big pan of cuttlefish and looking for people to serve it to...

One Egg, One Kosong & One Teh'O Peng!

2006-03-11T19:06:00.000+08:00

No, this post is not about my visit to a prata shop, instead it is about what i promised you people. For safety reasons, i will not mention names but i'm sure you people know who i'm talking about, especially after my ceaseless ranting about You-Know-What.

"Why the prata-themed title?" you may ask... Let me elaborate...

Question: "When you make prata, what do you do to it? "
Answer : "Flip! Or Peng in Hockkien."

Recently i got to know someone who can make all the Prata-Men at Jalan Kayu look like retards. His/her ability to "Peng Lai Peng Ker"(flip here flip there) is simply out of this world. One moment the emphasis is "Quantity! Come on people! More!", next day, "Accountability, people, you must be accountable!", next day, "Quality, i want quality, i don't care about numbers!". Hey i totally understand the importance of all 3 elements in the workplace so if you want them ALL, pay me $10k a month, if not, pick one and shut up.

Next is the something called the quota, the number of times it changes is simply scary and very demoralizing. The best way to describe it is (Ahem, here comes the vulgar), like Chee Bye kena DB, DB by the way is Detention Barracks, which is the Army's version of prison. In army when you do some Lan Chiao Dai Zhee like masterbate in toilet or what you will kena thrown into DB. The punishment inside is to carry the Nao Hia sandbag and Chee Bye run in circles like a cock-a-nathan.

Officer :"Eh Chee Bye, take the sandbag and fill it with sand!"

Detainee :"Sir, how much sand?"

Officer :"Up to you lah Chee Bye! Finish already run round the field!"

Detainee :"Sir, how many rounds?"

Officer :"Until i tell you to stop lah Chee Bye!"

The poor fucking detainee also blur like fuck, if he Kheng and put abit abit the sand only he sure kena Kan Kar Chng by the officer, if he put too much his back will break. If he run slowly to conserve energy he will Kum the officer's Lan Chiao, if run too fast he See. Talk about rocks and hard surfaces.

Best of all, after running for 50 rounds with a FULL sandbag, the officer tells the detainee that one day actually must run 100 rounds with half sandbag. So the other 50 rounds he bring over to tomorrow. Which means 150 rounds the next day! The detainee next day super Pia and while he was completing his 150th round, the officer use loudhailer to tell him that today his DB Buddy on MC and he must help his buddy run his 100 rounds. If cannot finish then bring over to next day, which means 300 rounds for 2 people. The officer then proceeds to tell the detainee that his buddy got 3 days MC. Understand what i'm trying to say?

My favourite part is, on top of all that, what he/she expects all of us to do can only be described as an ugly prostitute with STD who approaches customers for sex, naturally she will be refused right? But nevermind, after kena fucked (verbally of course) by the customer, she still dare to ask the customer if his friends would like to screw her! Piang eh! Vomit blood ah!

Someone pass me a tenderizer, cos i really need to tender...

Excuse Me, I Want To Complain

2006-03-07T21:19:00.000+08:00

Crap! Just my luck i tell you. Me and my freaking big mouth, make me suck my own thumb time and again! Remember how i was teaching you people how to deal with telesales people? Guess what i kena for my attachment. Ta Ma De!

Day in day out im whoring myself like some 1900 phone sex bitch trying to get people to grant my sales guys an appointment. You can't begin to imagine how unrewarding this job is i tell you. If i've felt any shitty-er i would BE a pile of shit.

"Wu Eia Mm Si Lang Zho Eh!" (有影不是人做的/Got shadow is not human do one) is what i hear everyday from my poor seniors. There used to be more than 10 of them, now? 3 are left, and there are 5 of us on attachment. For fuck's sake there are more attachment students than full-time staff!

This kind of job should have been outsourced to THAT COUNTRY years ago! Yes i agree that "the money is in sales" but this is NOT FUCKING SALES! It's a sorry excuse for phone prostitution! We beg customers to, listen carefully people, ALLOW OUR SALES PEOPLE TO CALL THEM AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT! Sales close? The sales guys get the commission, while our team gets peanuts (this peanuts not the NFK kind).

What? Don't understand? Ok, picture this... Let Salesman = Hunter, Telesales Agent = Safari Guide. The poor Safari Guide have to Chee Bye go and and find the Chee Bye lion and in the process kena bitten by some Chee Bye snakes and stung by some Chee Bye insects and step on some Kan Pua Ji Teh Chao zebra shit before finally spotting the lion.

Then after finding for half a day, the Chee Bye Safari Guide have to Kan Nin Nah ask the lion to "Please hor, don't move hor, i get my Hunter to come shoot you ok?" If you lucky, the lion Nao Hia hear what you say also become blur, Gong Gong wait for the Hunter to come shoot. If the Chee Bye lion realise you trying to snook him, he will rip off your Lum Par.

Not say the sales people are incompetent ok! I think they are great, because hunters must also everyday "Gunner Strip Rifle! Assemble Rifle! One Minute Hurry Up!" and practise I.A. drill. Not easy one i tell you. So i respect them because that is REAL SALES.

My one the Safari Guide Kang Tao is like some pussy sales lah. Chiong one, like the Hello Kitty you buy from Pasar Malam, Kan Nin Nah got mouth one! Hello Kitty where got mouth!?

Nah Beh, talk about Hello Kitty make me more the angry. I will tell you why in the next post. Watch this space...

Empty

2006-02-28T00:53:00.000+08:00

Kaoz, my mind is so a blank now that i'm tempted to tell you about my first day of attachment at ADT Security Services (training), what i had for lunch (rice, potatoes, bittergourd & chicken wings) and who sms-ed me today (Jas, Terence & Sherlyn).

Fuck me! Bear with it a few days people, soon, when i start making cold calls and calls to customers who have terminated their accounts with ADT, you will get the juicy stuff about the interesting (vulgar) conversations which i will be involved in...

In the meantime, i'm wrecking my brain to link a male arboreal Australian eucalyptus leaf-eating marsupial's testicles to the captial city of our "We cut your water!" neighbours, and hopefully make a lame "What do you get when you cross a _____ with a _____?" joke.

Help anyone?

p/s: Answer found in comments section

So what if it's pocketed?

2006-02-24T10:41:00.000+08:00

Ever notice those ads on TV about bed? You know, those that go around telling people that pocketed spring mattresses is the solution to better, undisturbed sleep. Some ads feature a lady lying on one side of the mattress while a man walks on it without disturbing her. Other ads conduct experiments such as placing a glass of water on one side of the mattress and then dropping a bowling ball 2 feet away, without toppling the glass.

"Amazing!" i thought! But then i asked myself, "Why would anyone want to walk on their bed while their spouse is asleep?" and "Would anyone bowl in bed?"

Okay okay, i know i know, they (Sleep Specialists they call themselves) are trying to put across the benefits of having individually pocketed springs.

My reponse to that? Bed sheets!

I would like to see the man walk on a bed sheet covered mattress, and i would love for the bowling ball to be dropped beside the glass on a bed sheet covered mattress. You see, motion transfer is not caused solely by the mattress itself, the bed sheets are heavily involved as well. So unless you have "individually pocketed bed sheets", you are better off sleeping, as the Horse from the Sea will tell you, on a wooden plank.

Friendster Status For Dummies

2006-02-20T17:36:00.000+08:00

Okay, unless you have been living in a cave with your religiously extreme friends, you SHOULD HAVE heard of something called 'Friendster', yes? If not please stop reading this post, it's not meant for you.

Now, for the rest of you, i'm sure you are aware that you have 5 options to choose from regarding your personal status. They are:

Single
In a Relationship
Domestic Partnership
Married
It's Complicated

In the course of about 2 years i have accumulated 275 friends and came across hundreds of thousands of profiles. What really bothers me is that MOST people do not know the real meaning of them. Therefore for the benefit of these misguided individuals, i shall attempt to explain what each of them means.

1. Single - One, Uno, Satu, 一个. Self-explanatory, means that the bearer of such a status is alone, unattached, available, trying to get laid. The bearer is therefore free to choose/be chosen to enter into a relationship with any potential suitors he/she might deem fit.

2. In a Relationship - Two, 走 Stead, couple-couple. Bearers of this status are emotionally (and most probably physically) attached to his/her partner of choice. Usually means that bearers have shoved their privates into each other already. Structure of this relationship could be in the form of Male & Female, Male & Male or Female & Female. Do not discount the fact that bearers of this status are still trying hard to get laid.

3. Domestic Partnership - Not to be confused with 'Domestic Helper', this means that the couple are living together under the same roof. This stage is a natural evolvement from 'In a Relationship' and is usually a pre-notion for the special status 'Shotgun'.

4. Married - (Un)Holy Matrimony, 结婚, Dang-Dang-Dang-Dang. Probably the most simple but shamelessly misused status. Couples must have been to the Registry of Marriages, been solemnized and signed the bloody certificate in order to be married! Calling each other 'Lao-Gong' or 'Lao Po' does not mean that you are married. There is a clear and distinct difference between 'Married' and 'In a Relationship' so please, get it right. You think that declaring your status as 'Married' is your twisted way of showing your undying love to your partner? Think again. Got it? Good, now shut up!

5. It's Complicated - The latest option to be added to the list. 2nd most misused status behind 'Married'. There have been numerous reported cases of status-swopping between 'It's Complicated' and 'Married/In a Relationship' at speeds which will make Paris Hilton blush. These people are so free they change their status 5 times a day, causing the Friendster Update system to go haywire. Bearers of this status are reminded that they are NOT COOL and that they should stop trying to be cool. Trust me, you CAN'T HANDLE 'IT'S COMPLICATED'!

Okay, equipped with this new-found knowledge, let us try a few scenarios and see if you can get the status correct!

If you are in love with someone but that person does not know you exist?

Ans: 'Single'... Not 'It's Complicated'

If you call each other nicknames like "Dear-Dear", "Lao Gong" or "Lao Po"?

Ans: 'In a Relationship'... Not 'Married'

If you are in love with someone who is 'In a Relationship' / 'Married' or 'Domestic Partnership'?

Ans: 'Single' ... Not 'It's Complicated'

My Big Mouth & Me

2006-02-17T10:27:00.000+08:00

Oh my fucking God! Just when i was blabbering on about the excessive use of guns here, a 50 year old uncle went ahead and killed his wife... WITH A 46cm KNIFE! Worst of all, she was believed to be pregnant!

Uncle! What the fuck is wrong with you? I joking only leh! You didn't have to prove me wrong! I honestly think Ching is right, we are becoming a murder capital. I can see Singapore moving up the charts for 'Homicides per Capita' in the World Rankings. Woodlands, Sembawang, Serangoon, Holland. "Where next?" we ask ourselves...

Basically i have my own twisted theory about all these crimes but if i post them here i will be buying myself a one-way ticket to Hell. And we all know that's no good right? So buy me a beer when you see me and i'l tell you about my theory... when i'm drunk enough.

In the meantime, anyone found out where i can get those bullet-proof vests i've been searching for? Throw in a steel breast plate too will ya?

What's with the cartoons?

2006-02-15T20:05:00.000+08:00

Question : What is more stupid than blogging about one's mundane daily activities?

Answer : Religious extremism.

I mean i would be pissed if anyone drew funny pictures about Dua Peh Gong or Jade Emperor but not pissed enough to start a freaking riot! Religious extremist are about as stupid as they get. For God's sake (Literally!) stop your whining and fuck back to your caves already!

I personally feel that the Danes should be forgiven because of 3 solid reasons.

1. They've unofficially apologised (Danes carrying "We're Sorry" & "Peace" signs)
2. Danish cookies (Especially those in the blue tins!)
3. Peter Schmeichel (Former Manchester United Goal Keeper, need i say more?)

So if any of you self-righteous idiots manage to read this and freaking understand it, STOP YOUR STUPID RIOTING! I'm sick and tired of all the news coverage. If anyone did anything wrong against your God or my God, trust me, the Gods will handle it (A bolt of lightning usually does the trick). Don't get yourself or others killed, it's stupid. I'm no God, but you are a moron.

What's with all those guns?

2006-02-15T19:39:00.000+08:00

Notice a trend in the local news? A policeman shot himself in the head with his service pistol, a 59 year old Ah-Peh is most probably going to hang for armed robbery, a KTV boss shot dead in his flat by "one-eyed gunman".

Fuck, this is getting out of hand people! I mean, what happened to the age old tradition of fighting with bamboo poles, iron pipes, parangs, roti knives, choppers, beer bottles, mugs, chairs, helmets and umbrellas? Have we become a trigger-happy society? Did the COE for firearms suddenly drop?

What have we become? Just look what we have done? (Eh? White Lion lyrics?) So many questions, so little answers...

p.s. : Anyone know how i can get my hands on one of those bullet proof vest thingys?

Top Ten!

2006-02-13T17:41:00.000+08:00

Since i'm seldom in a cheery mood whenever occassions like Christmas or Valentine's Day comes along, here is my TOP TEN LIST OF SURE-FIRE WAYS TO GET YOURSELF DITCHED THIS VALENTINE'S DAY!

10. Tattoo "I ♥ Her Name" on your buttcheeks. And show off to everyone at Orchard Road.

9. Replace the roses with good old chrysanthemums.

8. Tell her how much she reminds you of Lydia Sum.

7. Take her out to a movie... at YangTze.

6. Drive her to Changi Village, and intro her to all your Shemale friends.

5. During dinner, instead of candles, light joss sticks.

4. Your gift for her this Valentine's? VD.

3. Insist on paying for dinner, with her credit card.

2. Whisper in her ear, "Want to apply for HDB flat?"

1. Get her a book titled, "Blowjobs for Dummies"

Have a crappy Valenthum Day!

Love What?

2006-02-13T17:33:00.000+08:00

Valenthum Day Madness...

"Erm, where can i find love seats ah?"

"Cinemas lor!"

"No, love seats..."

"Yeah, cinemas! You know, like Golden Village..."

"No! Love seeeeeeds..."

"Orh, saga seeds lah!"

Simply side-splitting...

Why i want to become a private businessman who watches CNA?

2006-02-11T11:28:00.000+08:00

The reason why i choose Channel News Asia over Ch5, Ch8, ChU news programs... ...

Too bad she's married...
My new ambition: To Be A "Very Private" Businessman!

Lonelyville Organizational Chart, Members Please Refer!

2006-02-10T16:12:00.000+08:00

It has come to my attention that there has people giving themselves certain positions/ranks in Lonelyville. I personally have received numerous complains from the more senior members that new-comers are laying claim to higher positions/ranks such as 'Chief Executive Officer'. Therefore, to clear any doubt and prevent further misunderstanding, i have come up with the official Lonelyville Organizational Chart.

This chart is the result of careful planning and many a sleepless nights. Your positions/ranks are final so please, feel free to use it together with your MSN/Friendster nicknames.

ARGH! 214!

2006-02-08T21:22:00.000+08:00

Oh no, Valentine's day draws ever closer and i can already sense the blood-thirsty couples who are waiting, just waiting to poke fun at me. In fact, i've been the butt of the jokes since the lunar new year! Here are some of the comments i received...

"Yap ah! How many years already you never even bring one girl for aunty to see?"

"But you are not celebrating it what?!"

"Good for you bro, get to save money."

"So... what are your plans for that day bro?"

The list goes on...

Huh?

2006-02-08T18:53:00.000+08:00

When do you realise that there is a generation gap between you and your younger friends? The answer is, "When you can't understand what the fuck they are saying!"

Damn gotta really admit that i'm getting kinda old. Below is the conversation that went on in the school swimming pool bathroom. Z noticed that J had a particularly large pair of jeans and...

Z : "J! That's a huge pair of jeans! What size?"

J : "Erm.. from Baleno."

Z : "What size?"

J : "From Baleno!"

Me : "Fuck the both of you lah! Z, you should say 'Eh, your jeans from Baleno ah?' then J, you answer 'Size 34!'..."

Kaoz what is wrong with youngsters nowsadays? People ask about the size of your jeans, you tell them the brand, so i suppose that in order to find out the size of people's jeans, you should ask them about the brand!

Is there no one else?

2006-02-05T20:21:00.000+08:00

I just realised that Mr. Chua and Mr. Seow are both overseas and its been weeks since our dear friends had anything new to read. I once again apologise for my busy schedule and to make things up to all my loving fans, here's a story which i hope you guys will find funny...

True story i heard from a friend...

My friend comes from a family of goldsmiths and his dad owns a traditional jewellery shop somewhere in Chinatown. One fine day, this Chinese National entered the shop and decided to purchase some jewellery. Now my friend's dad has never been a big fan of Mainland Chinese and his general perception of them is that they are:

Picky
Difficult to Serve
Stingy
Want Cheap, Want Fresh, Want Big Breast

This particular Chinese fella fell smack in the middle of the above classification and after hours and hours of choosing, trying, bargaining and all, he settles for a few pieces. After being told the price...

China : "Can i pay in RMB?"

Dad : "No, only Singapore dollars!"

China : "Ok, where is the toilet?"

Dad : "Go out, turn left!"

At this point of time you must be thinking, shouldn't he be looking for an ATM or a money changer? Why the toilet? Ah.... according to dad, the Chinese are very careful with their money and in order to prevent theft, they keep their cash in, get this, their underwear! Yep, they literally stuff wades of cash in their underwear! True enough, 5 minutes later, Chinaman appears from the toilet with a thick stack of sweat-stained (Like salted vegetables) cash in his hands. Next stop? Money changer of course, Chinaman calmly walks towards the money changer which is a few units away from dad's shop.

The money changer, whose race i will not mention because i don't want to go to jail, took the stack of RMB and began counting them. Okay, think! This is a money changer in Chinatown, so do you think they will have those "high-tech" pads to wet their fingers before counting the cash? No right? So what did poor money changer do?

Yep, he licked...

Hand-Drawn Designs!

2006-01-24T12:39:00.000+08:00

Characters:
FGF = Friend's GirlFriend;
Me = Me

Me: "Nice shoes 'Ka, limited edition designs?"

FGF: "These? I designed and drew them myself."

Me: "What the fuck!? Serious?"

FGF: "Yeah, you just buy a pair of canvas shoes and I will draw the designs."

Note: All the designs below are HAND-DRAWN! Check out the intricate and elaborate designs on these babies!

How Often Do You See Your Name On Your Shoe? Unless Your Name Is Bata!

Someone Bring Me The Barcode Scanner!

Nice!

Show Me Some Tongue Baby!
Another Note: Talent needs support, and I'm not refering to spiritual support. If you would like to get your hands on your very own pair, feel free to contact me. We will work out the finer details as we go along. Thanks.

Lonelyville Application

2006-01-20T13:40:00.000+08:00

LONELYVILLE
Application Form

1. Name: _______________ Age: ______________

2. Status:

□ Single [Please Proceed to Question 3]

□ In a Relationship [Please Proceed to Question 9!]

□ It’s Complicated [Make Up Your Mind, Try Question 5!]

3. Reasons for Answer in Question 2
□ I’m Plain Fucking Ugly
□ Was Ditched
□ Was a Bastard to Someone Nice / Did a “Shawn”
□ Others: __________________

4. How long do you plan to stay in Lonelyville?
□ Until “THE ONE” comes along
□ Until I Get Plastic Surgery
□ Until They Find Osama Bin Laden
□ 4-Ever n Ever!

5. Who would you vote for as President of Lonelyville?
□ Shawn Yap Tian Leong
□ Santa Claus

6. What is your opinion on a place like Lonelyville?
□ It Rocks!
□ It Stinks!
□ It Provides a Home for Broken Hearts
□ What is an Opinion?

7. What are you willing to sell to be a citizen of Lonelyville?
□ My Backside
□ My Soul
□ My Entire Collection of 5566 CDs
□ My Personal Porn Library

8. In NO MORE THAN 10 words, tell us why you should be a Lonelyvillian?
____________________________________________________________

9. There is no Question 9, in fact, you just wasted your time, my time and killed an innocent tree by declaring your status as “In a Relationship”. As your punishment, you shall be dragged out, shot in the head, and buried next to the cretins who blog about their mundane daily activities whom happen to be buried next to the morons who leave brainless comments on other blogs. Have a nice life, thank you.

How to lie

2006-01-17T23:41:00.000+08:00

To all the potential compulsive liars out there, here's a little nugget of wisedom.

"Before telling a lie, you must first convince yourself that what you are going to say is the truth"

But first, you must figure out whether or not i'm speaking the truth...

Da Tower of Power?

2006-01-17T20:52:00.000+08:00

This happened last year, had problems with the old shitty Friendster blog so i shelved this entry up till now. Ladies and Gentlemen, i give you, "Da Tower of Power"! Enjoy...

A Japanese customer of ours decided to bring his female companion, who was spending her last day in Singapore, to experience the sights and sounds of Orchard Tower. I was totally against it as i felt "Da Tower of Power" only gives power to "Da Ang Mors". Plus what's the point of spending money to see girls who used to be guys? Worst of all some of these "Half-Vegetables" are so ugly you can't look them in the face.

Being the obedient and hardworking employee that i am, i offered to clean up and close the pub while my Bosses accompany our Ex-Oppressors to Orchard Tower. Actually this was my trick to avoid going together with them but things don't always go as well as you plan them, so i ended up at Crazy Horse after i closed up.

Before i actually went into Orchard Tower, i paid a visit to my previous workplace as i found out my previous manager had decided to quit and it was his last day. Talk about coincidence! My first day at Crazy Horse = His last day at work.

The very first thought that came into my mind as i entered the Tower was "How can there be so many males squeezed into the same building at this ungodly hour?" I mean, 99% of the patrons are male and the "Lady-Boys" used to be males. Not much different from an army camp if you think about it. Thing is I’ve always thought of Orchard Tower as a place for the Ang Mors, wrong place for a Chinese brother to be man. An article in the papers quite some time ago reported that the “Lady-Boys” preferred the Foreign Talents because they were less demanding and more generous. The local boys were described as “Want cheap, want fresh, want big breast”.

I entered “Siao Beh” and true enough, no one even bothered to look at me, let alone serve me. I scanned the area and noticed that all the Foreign Talents had at least one, if not two companions by their side and some serious hanky panky was going on, but in the corner I noticed a table with 3 local brothers. Guess what? It was a good half hour before ONE of them got to “examine the goods”.

We couldn’t stand the place and nobody wanted to earn our money so our Japanese friend suggested we go to another joint. Reluctantly, we took the escalator down a level and entered another club called Club Romeo. This was a much nicer place and the “Lady-Boys” were of a substantially higher quality. As I once again scanned the area, I realized that once again, the Foreign Talents were well taken care of with a healthy ratio of about 2 : 1, and right at the very corner, guess what? A table with 3 local brothers! They seem to be enjoying the eye candy but I don’t see any “Lady-Boys” approaching them although there were more than enough to go around. The “Lady-Boys” would rather dance at the podium or just sit down and stone!

After a couple of beers my bladder decided that it was time, i got out thru the rear exit and guess who i saw? The "last day" manager! Drinking red wine with his buddy in what looked like a beauty salon. After finishing the beer, we decided that it was time to go home so we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

Conclusion, Da Tower of Power is no place for a Chinese Brother like me...

Welcome...

2006-01-16T12:50:00.000+08:00

Welcome to Lonelyville Mr. Yap...

Population : You

Enjoy your stay...

Shut your cunt SLUT!

2006-01-16T12:03:00.000+08:00

Was pretty bored one evening after dinner and was channel surfing when i came across this local short film thingy which i presumed belonged to some Project Pilot list of finalists or something. Anyways, i don't give a shit about the source cos what i saw totally made me want to puke out the unpolished rice (Yah, Joy?!) i had an hour ago.

(Topic of the day, LOVE)

Interviewer: "So what do you think about Singaporean men?"

SLUT: "Erm... Singaporean men? Erm... never had much contact with them.... MCP? Hahaha..."

Eh, you Stupid Lame Ugly Tart(S.L.U.T.), thanks leh, just one Chee Bye statement from you and suddenly all of us become a fucking bunch of swine. How could you label us as MCPs when you claim that you've never had much contact with us? Take your Chee Bye bamboo and go and hang your Chee Bye clothes lah, don't use it to whack our Chee Bye boat! You can go hang yourself also, after your clothes dry!

Thanks SLUT...

Floating Bucket of Poultry

2006-01-16T11:33:00.000+08:00

This is for anyone who has caught the new commercial for a certain food retailer selling poultry cooked in oil.

Basically the commercial starts with a family trying to board a lift, with the Dad carrying 2 buckets of bird, and everyone else empty-handed. Lift door opens, the entire family, like typical Singaporeans, pack themselves in like sardines, leaving just enough space for Dad and his buckets. As Dad enters (The lift you sicko! Not Mum!), the lift buzzer sounds and Dad duely backs out of the lift without checking his blindspot (If knock into Lao Ah Ma how?!). Then the moment of magic, Dad lets go of his right hand, and points to the ceiling! The bucket magically floats in mid-air while Dad is doing all that!

Dad must have asked for all wings...

Don't Lie...

2006-01-06T11:43:00.000+08:00

The Black Eyed Peas song keeps playing back and forth in my head...
Gorgeous Fergie goes... "No, no, no, no! Baby no, no, no, no! Don't lie..."

A friend of mine recently admitted that he has been blatantly lying to his girlfriend about his whereabouts because he feels she's a tad too "sticky". By my own judgment, i feel the girl is taking the term "being together" to never-before-seen levels and i pity my poor friend for his apparent suffering. Then again maybe not.

I totally disagree with the practice of "meeting for the sake of meeting" and i feel that people who do that are abso-freaking-lute morons but hey, haven't we all been through that phase in our life before? You know, when you are so head-over-heels in love with someone that all you ever wanted to do was to spend time with them, regardless of what you do when you are together. I mean i'm talking about teens here yah.

Okay, back to the topic, i can understand if people lie about their location or who they are with because they want to hide from their over-zealous partners but please don't drag your friends into this little white lie of yours. Here's an example...

Over-zealous partner: "Hello. Where you? Wana meet?" (Poor English Inherent From Source)

White Liar: "Erm.. i'm at Insert Location with Insert Buddy's Name"

Over-zealous partner: "Huh, i thought you end at nine?"

White Liar: "Oh, Insert Buddy's Name got some problems, needs companion."

Over-zealous partner: "I go there meet you?"

White Liar: "Better not..."

Over-zealous partner: "Really ah? Orh..."

Over-zealous finally hangs up after confirming for the 18th time that it was REALLY not convenient for them to meet. White Liar heaves a heavy sigh of relief, and proceeds to watch a movie with Buddy. Mind you, this is not an affair, White Liar and Buddy same gender, White Liar is definitely not gay, thou i can't confirm Buddy's sexual preference.

Next day, a guilt stricken White Liar tells everyone that he has been lying to Over-zealous, and not for the first time. Everyone condemns White Liar and says that he's going to hell, everyone except me of course. Being the mature guy that i am, i didn't condemn him straight away, instead i fucked him upside down for dragging his Buddy into the picture.

"You want to die go die alone lah! If this continues, Over-zealous will end up hating all your friends. Today you lie about being with Buddy, tomorrow it will be Brudder, day after is Ah-Bang, until you finally use up all your friends' names and you are forced to recycle! What will Over-zealous think of your friends then?"

Make sense? Oh God i'm one self-righteous dude...

And A Happy New Year To You!

2006-01-02T21:13:00.000+08:00

So another year has gone by and thankfully i got to celebrate it with a good bunch of friends, we ate, drank, watched , played charades and X-Box. As usual everybody's mobiles were going off like crazy with well-wishes as we approached midnight. At about elevenish, i got a call from my dear friend's wife...

Mama Bear: "Yap, where are you?"

Yapster: "Oh, i'm at a friend's place."

Mama Bear: "We are at the 'Ul-Li-Tan-To' pub beside MoMo, what time are you coming?"

Yapster: "Erm... who is there?"

Mama Bear: "Oh, Terence and Wendy, Elson and Yvonne, Collin and Evin, Bear and me..."

Yapster: "Haha.. All couples, ok ok..."

Mama Bear: "Yeah, it's Couples Night, so we need someone to come and 1. Make the number odd, 2. Entertain us, 3. Allow us to poke fun at your singlehood."

The rest of the conversation became a blur to me but i vaguely remember saying that i was too underdressed* for partying. For once, i was quietly thankful for my choice of dress code.

*T-shirt, Bermudas and Slippers, very Un-MoMo.

Note: This post does not imply that the writer is a despo or is dying to commit into a relationship.

What's a guy like me to do?

2005-12-28T00:43:00.000+08:00

Caught this on the telly...

(Scene set in an extremely classy watering hole for executives)

Hospital Professor: "Maybe i didn't have enough to drink..." (Grabs his bottle)

Professor's Mistress: "Drowning your sorrows in wine? That's what 2nd-rate men do."

Hospital Professor: "i've nothing scheduled tomorrow, let's go to your place." (Grabs her hand)

Professor's Mistress: "That's what 3rd-rate men do. What you need to do now is to go home and rest."

All this time i'm just sitting there, staring at the telly like a jackass thinking to myself...

"What the fuck does a 4th-rate guy like me do then?"

Damn the Mistress!

"Wooh! I'm 1st!"

2005-12-26T00:10:00.000+08:00

Ever come across a rather popular blog or website and when you click the "Comments" section, you see this => "Wooh! I'm 1st!"

I mean what the fuck?! What's the big deal? Is this some kind of sick, twisted game that these people play? To see who is first to leave a comment? To declare to the world that they arrived at the website before anyone else? To me, it only means one thing, that they have nothing better to do with their life than to check websites every 5 seconds for updates. At least fucking say something meaningful for God's sake! Freaking best of all, i've seen "2nd also not bad" as a comment. What the fuck! That's even more lame than the first one! These jokers should not be allowed Internet access. In fact these cretins (Wah! New insult word!) should be dragged out and shot repeatly in the head because one bullet could hardly penetrate their thick skulls. AND these idiots shall be buried next to jokers whose blogs are about their daily activities*.

If you are one of the above mentioned kind, slowly step away from your computer, find the nearest window, and jump out of it. More air for everybody once you're gone.

*Activities include/not limited to:
1. Eating
2. Sleeping
3. SMS-ing
4. Talking to your boy/girlfriend

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Letters to Santa...

2005-12-25T23:40:00.000+08:00

Found this while surfing for porn. Perfect thing to kill that stinky festive spirit...

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all Yeer,
yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE-PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

And of course, being the super Bo Liao idiot, i strongly felt that i had to make a contribution to inject a more local flavour to this sucky Christmas...

Lao-Eh,
Kan Nin Lao Eh last year the LV bag you gave me is Pua Chee Bye "chiong" one! This year you better wake up your fucking idea and get me a REAL LV bag or i will make sure my sistas from Chup-Buay Neh Neh Tong (18 Breast Gang) will go to your house to settle! North Pole right?! I know where, beside North Point!
You Better Watch Out, Lian-Huay

Lian-Huay,
Firstly, my name is Santa. Next, i suggest you go find your junkie boyfriend, and threaten to stop having underaged sex with him until he gets you the real deal. By the way, i've stopped giving out LV stuff long ago, hurts the bottomline.
Santa

Have yourselves a crappy Christmas people!

Are you a CAVE Dweller?

2005-12-19T15:14:00.000+08:00

Actually had the pleasure to watch Prime Time Morning on CNA because it is the start of my term break. Well, the day's topic was about a survey done on the apparent "engagement level" of employees in an organization. When i first read the caption, i was like "Huh? What engagement level? You mean they actually conducted a region-wide survey on office romance? What kind of corporate crap is this?"

Thanks to Mr. Gopal (At this point, i'm trying my best NOT to replace all my W's with V's), i've gotten to know the meaning of "Employee Engagement Level" very very velle.... The most interesting part was when our friend mentioned the term "CAVE Dweller".

Constantly
Against
Virtually
Everything

If you are a CAVE employee, it means you disagree veeth everything your Bosses say, veehich means that you spend more time complaining about your Boss than actually doing work. This is usually the result of low levels of employee engagement.

Vow! i didn't know bitching about my boss would be so counter-productive. So people, just for today, ask yourself, "Am i a CAVE Dweller?". If so, please feel free to share with me what you intend to do about it. Below are some suggested solutions...

1. Vhy bitch about your Boss vhen you are much better off kissing his/her ass?

2. Vhy bitch about your Boss vhen you actually have control over the amount of lead that goes into his/her morning cuppa?

3. Vhy bitch about your Boss vhen you can bitch about something more meaningful, like the state of your office toilet?

4. Vhy bitch about your Boss vhen you can actually bitch about the moron who hired your Boss?

5. Vhy bitch about your Boss vhen you should be focusing your efforts into ousting him/her?

I'm NOT Your...

2005-12-12T21:38:00.000+08:00

So sorry for the lack of materials over the 2 weeks, was involved in a lot of events, some are rather uncomfortable to mention, and some i don't bother mentioning.
To make it up to you guys, i will present to you my unofficial list of "I'm NOT Your..." to help you pass the next 5 minutes of your meaningful life.

1. I'm NOT your jukebox! So don't tell me you want to hear this song hear that song (Until you SongSong) unless i say something along the lines of "What song would you like to listen to?" Accept me for who i am, love me as a complete entity, not just my voice. You will be better off with a songbird because last time i checked, bird seeds are cheaper than beer.

2. I'm NOT your sister/brother! Unless i start addressing you as "Bro" or "Sis" or have a genuine liking for you (Clue is to check your back for my knife), please take your filthy hands off my shoulder, stop calling me "Brudder brudder" and stop pushing your unfinished drinks to my face and expect me to 'Steng-ah Steng-ah' with you while you make that slicing motion with your hand. And for the tenth time, i will not sing <黄昏>!

3. I'm NOT your clown! Unless you are my friend/friend's partner/friend's spouse/girl-of-my-dreams, do not, i say again, do not expect me to entertain you with my jokes or silly antics. Those performances are reserved for the privileged few whom i feel comfortable being a complete moron in front of. If you are wondering who these people are, well, you are not one of them.

4. I'm NOT your nerd. Don't ask me for notes, model answers, solutions to that pesky economics question, whatever! Unless i'm really free or feeling extremely charitable, try not to ask me for help with your studies. I'm a lazy bastard who would rather be drinking in a karaoke pub then to be assisting you in climbing that academic ladder. But! But, if i decide to impart any portion of my knowledge to you and you happen to do well as a result, i at least expect to be thanked. Verbally.

5. I'm NOT your God, and you are certainly not fit to be my Dog.

(Stay tuned for more updates, i'm going to watch Las Vegas, then Scrubs! Woohoo!)

Three

2005-11-27T19:05:00.000+08:00

: THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
1.Yap
2.Lor-bin-ah
3.Dua Tao

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD
1.Yap
2.Yapster
3.Yappie

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
1.H
2.U
3.H?

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1.Poverty
2.Disease
3.Frogs

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
1.Food
2.Water
3.Shelter

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHTNOW
1.Boxers
2.Glasses
3.A Frown

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS
1.Beyond
2.Hacken Lee
3.Chicago

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS
1.You Come To My Senses - Chicago
2.In My Dreams - REO Speedwagon
3.Most of Hacken's Songs

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
1.Me
2.Her
3.Love

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1.Im Lying
2.Im Lying
3.That's The Truth

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OTHER SEX THAT APPEALS TO YOU
1.Face
2.Body
3.Singing Ability

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES
1.Singing
2.Drinking
3.Sleeping

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW
1.Sing
2.Drink
3.Sleep

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/HAVE CONSIDERED
1.Singer
2.Super Hero
3.Your Boss

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION
1.Spain
2.Italy
3.Japan

THREE KIDS NAMES YOU LIKE
1.Ah-Dee
2.Ah-Mui
3.Eh

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1.Make tonnes of money and spend it
2.Find A Mate
3.Outlive My Enemies

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREO TYPICALLY A GUY
1.I Eat
2.I Sleep
3.I Pee Standing

THREE FEMALE CELEB CRUSHES
1.Xu Wei Lun
2.Lin Zhi Ling
3.Nonie Tao Jun Wei

Should you have one?

2005-11-22T15:33:00.000+08:00

To all the "self-proclaimed bloggers" out there...

"According to this report, there are an average of 500,000 blog posts every single day, which is about 5 per second. Now, if every blog were putting funny, entertaining, useful, amusing, touching, informative content out into the world, that would be a wonderful thing. But the fact is the overwhelming majority of these posts are just people yammering on about the assorted banalities of their lives, as if the fact that they recently purchased a new lawnmower might be of interest to anyone anywhere.

Even if I was your best friend, your FATHER, I wouldn't care if you got a new lawnmower. Before blogging, did you call your friends and share this kind of boring news with them? If so, you're an idiot and you shouldn't be allowed to have friends."

Look here, i'm not saying that everything i post is funny, entertaining, useful, amusing, touching or informative but please, the fact that i do not refer to you as a "fellow blogger" is because you ain't one! Neither am i for that matter. I'm just a regular dude with with internet access and too much free time on my hands. So for the final time, having a blog does not necessarily make you a blogger, if not every other freaking dick/cunthead in Singapore can qualify as one.

By the way, even if you get a million hits a day on your lame excuse for a blog, that does not make you a blogger. It's because the million hits is most probably from the same lowlife who is staring at the "artistic" photos you took with your cheapskate digital camera. I shall not elaborate on the concurrent activity in which he engages in while viewing your blog.

Let me suggest an alternative for you, instead of further polluting the cyberspace with your "luncheon meat"(Spam lah! Not pork!), go to your friendly neighbour bookstore, invest in a Triple 5 booklet and a good piece of writing equipment and write away my friend. You can even pass yourself off as a writer, now that's much cooler than being a blogger right?

Aww... did i piss you off? I was just joking yah, don't be offended okay? Cos honestly, i really enjoy reading about what you had for lunch, really...

Where got so many shows to host?

2005-11-20T19:56:00.000+08:00

It's hard NOT to notice all the "Search for Singapore's best" competitions because during every single freaking commercial break on any god-damned channel, the viewers are bombarded by trailer ads about "Star Idol", "Super Host", "School Superstar", "Singapore Idol '06" and whatever have you. This has to be reality overkill in its purest form!

We have 4.25 million people squeezed onto this puny island and we have often been mistaken to be a part of China for god's sake! So i ask, why the sudden need for so many "talents"? Take the recently concluded "Project Superstar" for example, we managed to produced like 10 hosts from a singing competition, yes? So much so that we have to come up with a completely new programme (Super Funkies) for them to host because Singaporeans need more people to tell them where to find good food, the latest shopping hunt or update them on celebrity gossip. Don't we already have like a million other programmes that are doing just that?

Best of all, "Super Host" is starting soon and considering the fact that there are 16 finalists, i expect at least 8 to be given contracts to host local programmes. More hosts, great, just what we need. I guess they would have to name the programme "Super Hosties" and the show would feature good food, great shopping and celebrity gossip. Do i sense a pattern forming?

"School Superstar", now that's another disaster waiting to happen. According to reports the turnout was so overwhelming that auditions would have to last from Sunday to Tuesday! This is a competition which claims to give students a chance to showcase their singing talents, interact with other students and improve their Chinese! Do you think you can finish the competition before school re-opens? I don't think so. Even if we do manage to find our school idols, what would we do with them? Release albums? Surely not, so the only solution is to create yet another new programme for them to host, yes? This new programme would be a local students' guide to good food, good shopping and celebrity gossip. How does "Ultra Funkies" sound?

I sincerely don't understand the need for "Star Idol" because if my memory serves me well, we have something called "Star Search", which is responsible for topping up our local pool of acting (And hosting for fark's sake) talent. At least "Star Search" is judged by a qualified panel of judges and not by friends whose thumbs are swollen from all that sms-ing. I forsee yet another quality primetime slot being taken up for a new programme called "Idol Hosties" where the finalist get to introduce the good food places, best shopping buys and gossip about celebritites. Hey, where have i heard that before?

Speaking for myself, i don't give an owl's hoot about the new programmes that might possibly be introduced once we are through with all the competitions, just as long as none of my Taiwan, Hong Kong, Japanese or Korean shows are sacrificed. Oh well, at least we have no problem looking for people to perform those cock-a-nathan stunts during charity shows.

By the way, notice that everything from Ch5 and Ch8 have "Idol" while everything from ChU has "Super"?

Disturbing

2005-11-20T15:42:00.000+08:00

Apparently these are the Top 10 Network Searches in my Friendster Network.
Those in brackets are translations for my Non-Chinese friends.

1. romantic love songs
2. 跟女友做爱 (Follow girlfriend make love)
3. latest fashion for men
4. 姐夫出差了我和姐姐搞 (Brother-in-law working, me and sister "engage-in-some-family-fun")
5. free witchcraft love spells
6. 姐姐教弟弟做爱 (Sister teach brother make love)
7. love calculator
8. 短裙走光 (Short skirt "run light")
9. 女學生做爱 (Girl students make love)
10. Hebe裸照 (Hebe naked photos)

Incidently, ALL the searches in Chinese are of pornographic nature, while the rest suggests the need for love. Does this imply that my network of friends consists of a whole bunch of sexually deprived Cheena dudes and another bunch of "KanTangs" who are trying their best to get laid?

The disturbing part is that elder sisters are mentioned in choices 4 and 6! Ladies, if you are Chinese, have a younger brother and your boyfriend/husband is away on work, please be careful, that little dick might be up to some mischief. Chances are 20% of the time, the little prick is thinking about screwing YOU, 20% of the time he's trying his luck with his girlfriend or other schoolgirls, and 20% of the time he's searching for "upskirt" or naked images on the Internet. Or you can pray hard (very hard) that he's into the latest fashion for men or romantic love songs.

By the way i'm an only child...

"Off" the thing can?

2005-11-19T20:12:00.000+08:00

(First Ever Image On My Blog!!!)

This label was spotted in a particular tutorial room located in a particular educational institute in Singapore. It says "PLS OFF AIR CON BEFORE LEAVING".

So much for trying to improve the English standard of the students yah...

Why Think On The Bad Side?

2005-11-19T20:11:00.000+08:00

I have always been a pessimist and i honestly don't remember the last time i was optimistic about something, and even if i was, the outcome would most probably have been rather bad.
More than half my life, i've been looking at the not-so-bright side, always expecting the worst, preparing for failure, waiting for the bomb to drop, disaster to strike. I've always believed in the thought that what can go wrong will go wrong, the toast would always land buttered side down, the hero would die first and the princess would marry the evil wizard.

The reason is simple, by being pessimistic, i'm always either correct or pleasantly surprised. And i love it when i'm right, even if it's about something bad. You see, over the years, i've developed this uncanny ability to predict "disasters", and they are sometimes so accurate that i surprise myself! Ask some of my closer friends and they will tell you. Nothing good comes out of my mouth, only bad predictions which have a decent accuracy rate, very decent.

Some people have tried to help me see the bright side of things, blaming my pessimism on my supposed "low self esteem".

"You lack confidence, that's why you always think on the bad side of things."

"Don't be bad lah, things would turn out for the better."

"Choy! Sway mouth!" Are some of the things that they say.

Spare me that crap please. You can take your "明天会更好", "Things can only get better", "The only way is up", "Don't worry be happy" theory and shove it up your You-know-what.
When you are down, it never rains, it pours my friend, and you can wallow in your pathetic pool of sorrow for all i care. So the best way to go is my way, protect yourself by being a pessimist, at least you can say "Hey, i saw that coming."

So for all you "Sunshine Folks" out there, i hope you have a good life and that disappointments or setbacks don't hit you too hard. If you need advice on any matter, remember one thing, "The Predictor" is IN.
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How I deal with...

2005-11-19T20:09:00.001+08:00

How yours truly deal with...
Telemarketer trying to get me to sign up for a credit card

Me : "Hello?"

Them : "Hello Mr. Yap, this is so-and-so calling from so-and-so bank and i would like to tell you more about our this-and-that credit card."

Me : "Oh, sorry, i'm still schooling and don't have a fixed income."

Them : "No Problem, it's okay Sir."

Them : "Duuu...................................."

Me : "Hello? Kan Nin Lao Shi Eh Pua Tur-tle!" (Hello? Screw Your Teacher's Broken Turtle)

Case closed.

How yours truly deal with...
Telemarketers from the green-colored company trying to get me to sign up for cable

Me : "Hello?"

Them : "Hello Mr. Yap, this is so-and-so calling from the green-colored company and we would like to offer you free installation if you subscribe to our cable television channels."

Me : "Oh, thank you so much so-and-so but i'm sorry i cannot decide because i'm not the one paying for the subscription."

Them : "Oh, but you see Sir, the installation of the unit is FREE."

Me : "Thank you again, but hardly anyone in my household watches that much TV, and my Dad is not going to pay for something he's not going to watch."

Them : "In that case, thank you Sir."

Me : "Thank you for calling."

Case closed.

How yours truly deal with...
Insurance Agents/Life Planners at MRT stations, i repeat, AT MRT STATIONS!

Firstly, if you can help it, avoid walking into their "Killing Zone", but in the unfortuante event that you end up in the zone and you are being approached by one of them.

Them : "Hello Sir, can you spare me 3 minutes of your time?"

Me : "Erm..."

Them : " Really, only 3 minutes, let me tell you about our product which can help you save so-much-so money in so-little-so time at just only-this-only amount per month."

Don't lie, if anyone of you have ever been approached by anyone of them, you know it's never going to be 3 minutes. It's either 3 seconds or forever! Even if it was 3 minutes, would you make a decision which would affect your entire financial future after listening to a 3 minute sales pitch? I can go on and on but i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. I go to the train station to catch a train to wherever i'm heading to, not with the intention to have my life "planned".

My recommended response, even thou i have yet to try this myself,

Me : "I'm an agent for (Insert rival company/bank name)."

Case closed.

I respect your job and i know it's tough for you guys. I know that this is most probably your part-time job and you are most probably forced to make these "cold calls" or do these "mini roadshows". I respect those who are dedicated to their work, more so if they are really commited to helping people like us plan our financial futures. I have many friends who are working as agents and i respect their work ethic and the sheer toughness of their jobs.
But don't, never, ever get someone my age, who most probably just passed his planner exams, extremely heavy cigarette breath, poor english and a pushy attitude to try to sell me anything or plan anything that belongs to me.

Here, have a pack of mints and a dictionary on me...

Hottest Blogger?

2005-11-19T20:09:00.000+08:00

The headlines read "Singapore's Hottest Blogger" on the frontpage of a particular newspaper.
So i thought to myself? Who is "Singapore's Hottest Blogger"?
Out of the blue, this struck me...
"...the blogger without air-con..."

Theory Man

2005-11-19T20:07:00.001+08:00

After weeks of struggling with his finances, a particular Brother of mine finally received his first paycheck and of course being the nice guy, i felt obligated to help him spend some of it.

I met him at his usual hangout for drinks and some singsong. It wasn't a particularly busy night so everything was almost nice and quiet except for the noise coming from a table of "Middle Countryers" (They left after apparently finishing 20 jugs of beer, one of them puked on the floor as evidence). Well, back to my story, at about eleven-ish, this small group (3 guys, 2 gals) of people came in and sat beside our table. One look and i could tell they are the Engerish-Spiaking Yuppies who can blabber on the whole night. There was this one guy, mid-30's, nerdy looking with glasses and thinning hair who kept talking the whole freaking night! Worse, his younger companions were lapping up his "words of wisdom" like he is some messenger of God or what. I call him "Theory Man".
Mentioned below are some of the things that actually came out of his mouth...

"I tell you, i have been in this industry long enough and i have seen all kinds of people..."

"When you have money, the girls will come to you."

"No! Girls should woo the guys..."

"See, we can understand each other!" (Referring to his conversation with an Ang Mor whom he approached to dispense his wisdom)

Fuck you! It's English! Who cannot understand? How can someone actually be so cocksure of himself? I mean there were a lot more claims that came out of his mouth of which i couldn't remember or simply chose not to remember because the whole night seemed like his personal bullshitting session! Give the guy a few more drinks, then maybe he would finally admit that he is an over-the-hill, under-achieving, cock-spouting, ego-tripping nerd. And an ugly one i might add.

Where is your wallet dude? Where are the girls who are supposedly chasing you? Are you really living your life according to your great theories? Anyone ever called your bluff?

Wake up and get a life my facially challenged friend...

Just so sad...

2005-11-19T20:07:00.000+08:00

Im sure we all know about the 17yr old blogger who was charged with in court under the Sedition Act for making racist remarks on his blog.
Here's part of the report...

"The defence lawyer said the main reason why Gan had such feelings of ill will towards the Malay community is because of the death of his younger brother when he was only seven years old. His month-old brother had breathing difficulties and needed to be taken to the hospital in a cab, but a Malay couple refused to let them go first despite his mother's pleas. By the time the family got to the hospital, his brother was already dead. His mother was subsequently diagnosed with post-natal depression."

I mean isn't it just sad to see these sort of things happening? Maybe the couple who refused to let the Gan family board the taxi had something urgent to attend to as well but we are talking about a MONTH OLD BABY here, few things can be more important than the life of an infant.
Unfortuantely Baby Gan lost his life and 10 years later his elder brother will most probably be convicted of making racist remarks. How shitty can things get for the Gan family? I mean the kid is taking his "O" Levels in November, how in hell do you expect him to concentrate on taking what might be the most important exam of his life? What about Mrs. Gan? Anyone spared a thought for her? I'm not saying that the boy should not be punished for his actions but surely there must be a better way to handle this.

Damn it's a sad world...

Karaoke (Hall) Etiquette

2005-11-19T20:04:00.000+08:00

Here's the 2nd installment to my Karaoke Etiquette series. This time i will be discussing about what should and should not be done when you are in a karaoke pub/hall.

Do: Go in small groups of 3 - 4 people if singing is your main motive. With the Songs-Per-Table rule, chances are you might not get to sing very much.

Don't: Gather 2 - 3 people whom you know don't sing and hog the microphone for the whole night! Because if you go alone you would most probably be allocated 1 song per round.

Do: If you are there alone, sit at the bar or a small table.

Don't: Go alone and sit at the couch and order 1 bottle of "Mar-Teh" and expect ALL the waitresses to come and "sit-sit" and "chat chat" with you Lowlife!

Do: Be friendly to the waitresses if they chat with you or thank them if they compliment you on your singing.

Don't: Purposely change the lyrics of a stupid Ah-Beng song to accomodate the name of the waitress you like. We are NOT impressed.

Do: Make friends and be nice to the waitresses, they are interesting people.

Don't: Fall in love with them.... on your first visit.

Do: Clap for other tables if you feel they have sang well. Raise your glass and politely propose a toast.

Don't: Expect other tables to clap for you, raise their glasses to you and propose a toast to your "excellent" singing, you frog!

Do: Make an excuse and go to the washroom if someone at the hall sings like he/she is going to single-handedly wipe out the H5N1 virus (杀鸡) and stay there until the song is finished.

Don't: Exclaim "Wah Lau Eh! Si Beh Pai Tia! Eject! Eject!". Watch for the beer mug flying towards your head.

Do: Engage in a few rounds of drinking games with the waitresses, be humble if you win and be gracious when you lose.

Don't: Play Five-Ten with the Lady Boss. Trust me...

Now, armed with this knowledge, you are ready to have a good time at ALMOST any karaoke joint. All thats left is to learn how to sing properly. Kekeke...