Empty

Kaoz, my mind is so a blank now that i'm tempted to tell you about my first day of attachment at ADT Security Services (training), what i had for lunch (rice, potatoes, bittergourd & chicken wings) and who sms-ed me today (Jas, Terence & Sherlyn).

Fuck me! Bear with it a few days people, soon, when i start making cold calls and calls to customers who have terminated their accounts with ADT, you will get the juicy stuff about the interesting (vulgar) conversations which i will be involved in...

In the meantime, i'm wrecking my brain to link a male arboreal Australian eucalyptus leaf-eating marsupial's testicles to the captial city of our "We cut your water!" neighbours, and hopefully make a lame "What do you get when you cross a _____ with a _____?" joke.

Help anyone?

p/s: Answer found in comments section

So what if it's pocketed?

Ever notice those ads on TV about bed? You know, those that go around telling people that pocketed spring mattresses is the solution to better, undisturbed sleep. Some ads feature a lady lying on one side of the mattress while a man walks on it without disturbing her. Other ads conduct experiments such as placing a glass of water on one side of the mattress and then dropping a bowling ball 2 feet away, without toppling the glass.

"Amazing!" i thought! But then i asked myself, "Why would anyone want to walk on their bed while their spouse is asleep?" and "Would anyone bowl in bed?"

Okay okay, i know i know, they (Sleep Specialists they call themselves) are trying to put across the benefits of having individually pocketed springs.

My reponse to that? Bed sheets!

I would like to see the man walk on a bed sheet covered mattress, and i would love for the bowling ball to be dropped beside the glass on a bed sheet covered mattress. You see, motion transfer is not caused solely by the mattress itself, the bed sheets are heavily involved as well. So unless you have "individually pocketed bed sheets", you are better off sleeping, as the Horse from the Sea will tell you, on a wooden plank.

Friendster Status For Dummies

Okay, unless you have been living in a cave with your religiously extreme friends, you SHOULD HAVE heard of something called 'Friendster', yes? If not please stop reading this post, it's not meant for you.

Now, for the rest of you, i'm sure you are aware that you have 5 options to choose from regarding your personal status. They are:

1. Single
2. In a Relationship
3. Domestic Partnership
4. Married
5. It's Complicated

In the course of about 2 years i have accumulated 275 friends and came across hundreds of thousands of profiles. What really bothers me is that MOST people do not know the real meaning of them. Therefore for the benefit of these misguided individuals, i shall attempt to explain what each of them means.

1. Single - One, Uno, Satu, 一个. Self-explanatory, means that the bearer of such a status is alone, unattached, available, trying to get laid. The bearer is therefore free to choose/be chosen to enter into a relationship with any potential suitors he/she might deem fit.

2. In a Relationship - Two, 走 Stead, couple-couple. Bearers of this status are emotionally (and most probably physically) attached to his/her partner of choice. Usually means that bearers have shoved their privates into each other already. Structure of this relationship could be in the form of Male & Female, Male & Male or Female & Female. Do not discount the fact that bearers of this status are still trying hard to get laid.

3. Domestic Partnership - Not to be confused with 'Domestic Helper', this means that the couple are living together under the same roof. This stage is a natural evolvement from 'In a Relationship' and is usually a pre-notion for the special status 'Shotgun'.

4. Married - (Un)Holy Matrimony, 结婚, Dang-Dang-Dang-Dang. Probably the most simple but shamelessly misused status. Couples must have been to the Registry of Marriages, been solemnized and signed the bloody certificate in order to be married! Calling each other 'Lao-Gong' or 'Lao Po' does not mean that you are married. There is a clear and distinct difference between 'Married' and 'In a Relationship' so please, get it right. You think that declaring your status as 'Married' is your twisted way of showing your undying love to your partner? Think again. Got it? Good, now shut up!

5. It's Complicated - The latest option to be added to the list. 2nd most misused status behind 'Married'. There have been numerous reported cases of status-swopping between 'It's Complicated' and 'Married/In a Relationship' at speeds which will make Paris Hilton blush. These people are so free they change their status 5 times a day, causing the Friendster Update system to go haywire. Bearers of this status are reminded that they are NOT COOL and that they should stop trying to be cool. Trust me, you CAN'T HANDLE 'IT'S COMPLICATED'!

Okay, equipped with this new-found knowledge, let us try a few scenarios and see if you can get the status correct!

If you are in love with someone but that person does not know you exist?

Ans: 'Single'... Not 'It's Complicated'

If you call each other nicknames like "Dear-Dear", "Lao Gong" or "Lao Po"?

Ans: 'In a Relationship'... Not 'Married'

If you are in love with someone who is 'In a Relationship' / 'Married' or 'Domestic Partnership'?

Ans: 'Single' ... Not 'It's Complicated'

My Big Mouth & Me

Oh my fucking God! Just when i was blabbering on about the excessive use of guns here, a 50 year old uncle went ahead and killed his wife... WITH A 46cm KNIFE! Worst of all, she was believed to be pregnant!

Uncle! What the fuck is wrong with you? I joking only leh! You didn't have to prove me wrong! I honestly think Ching is right, we are becoming a murder capital. I can see Singapore moving up the charts for 'Homicides per Capita' in the World Rankings. Woodlands, Sembawang, Serangoon, Holland. "Where next?" we ask ourselves...

Basically i have my own twisted theory about all these crimes but if i post them here i will be buying myself a one-way ticket to Hell. And we all know that's no good right? So buy me a beer when you see me and i'l tell you about my theory... when i'm drunk enough.

In the meantime, anyone found out where i can get those bullet-proof vests i've been searching for? Throw in a steel breast plate too will ya?

What's with the cartoons?

Question : What is more stupid than blogging about one's mundane daily activities?

Answer : Religious extremism.

I mean i would be pissed if anyone drew funny pictures about Dua Peh Gong or Jade Emperor but not pissed enough to start a freaking riot! Religious extremist are about as stupid as they get. For God's sake (Literally!) stop your whining and fuck back to your caves already!

I personally feel that the Danes should be forgiven because of 3 solid reasons.

1. They've unofficially apologised (Danes carrying "We're Sorry" & "Peace" signs)
2. Danish cookies (Especially those in the blue tins!)
3. Peter Schmeichel (Former Manchester United Goal Keeper, need i say more?)

So if any of you self-righteous idiots manage to read this and freaking understand it, STOP YOUR STUPID RIOTING! I'm sick and tired of all the news coverage. If anyone did anything wrong against your God or my God, trust me, the Gods will handle it (A bolt of lightning usually does the trick). Don't get yourself or others killed, it's stupid. I'm no God, but you are a moron.

What's with all those guns?

Notice a trend in the local news? A policeman shot himself in the head with his service pistol, a 59 year old Ah-Peh is most probably going to hang for armed robbery, a KTV boss shot dead in his flat by "one-eyed gunman".

Fuck, this is getting out of hand people! I mean, what happened to the age old tradition of fighting with bamboo poles, iron pipes, parangs, roti knives, choppers, beer bottles, mugs, chairs, helmets and umbrellas? Have we become a trigger-happy society? Did the COE for firearms suddenly drop?

What have we become? Just look what we have done? (Eh? White Lion lyrics?) So many questions, so little answers...

p.s. : Anyone know how i can get my hands on one of those bullet proof vest thingys?

Top Ten!

Since i'm seldom in a cheery mood whenever occassions like Christmas or Valentine's Day comes along, here is my TOP TEN LIST OF SURE-FIRE WAYS TO GET YOURSELF DITCHED THIS VALENTINE'S DAY!

10. Tattoo "I ♥ Her Name" on your buttcheeks. And show off to everyone at Orchard Road.

9. Replace the roses with good old chrysanthemums.

8. Tell her how much she reminds you of Lydia Sum.

7. Take her out to a movie... at YangTze.

6. Drive her to Changi Village, and intro her to all your Shemale friends.

5. During dinner, instead of candles, light joss sticks.

4. Your gift for her this Valentine's? VD.

3. Insist on paying for dinner, with her credit card.

2. Whisper in her ear, "Want to apply for HDB flat?"

1. Get her a book titled, "Blowjobs for Dummies"

Have a crappy Valenthum Day!

Love What?

Valenthum Day Madness...

"Erm, where can i find love seats ah?"

"Cinemas lor!"

"No, love seats..."

"Yeah, cinemas! You know, like Golden Village..."

"No! Love seeeeeeds..."

"Orh, saga seeds lah!"

Simply side-splitting...

Why i want to become a private businessman who watches CNA?

The reason why i choose Channel News Asia over Ch5, Ch8, ChU news programs... ...














Too bad she's married...
My new ambition: To Be A "Very Private" Businessman!

Lonelyville Organizational Chart, Members Please Refer!

It has come to my attention that there has people giving themselves certain positions/ranks in Lonelyville. I personally have received numerous complains from the more senior members that new-comers are laying claim to higher positions/ranks such as 'Chief Executive Officer'. Therefore, to clear any doubt and prevent further misunderstanding, i have come up with the official Lonelyville Organizational Chart.

This chart is the result of careful planning and many a sleepless nights. Your positions/ranks are final so please, feel free to use it together with your MSN/Friendster nicknames.

ARGH! 214!

Oh no, Valentine's day draws ever closer and i can already sense the blood-thirsty couples who are waiting, just waiting to poke fun at me. In fact, i've been the butt of the jokes since the lunar new year! Here are some of the comments i received...

"Yap ah! How many years already you never even bring one girl for aunty to see?"

"But you are not celebrating it what?!"

"Good for you bro, get to save money."

"So... what are your plans for that day bro?"

The list goes on...

Huh?

When do you realise that there is a generation gap between you and your younger friends? The answer is, "When you can't understand what the fuck they are saying!"

Damn gotta really admit that i'm getting kinda old. Below is the conversation that went on in the school swimming pool bathroom. Z noticed that J had a particularly large pair of jeans and...

Z : "J! That's a huge pair of jeans! What size?"

J : "Erm.. from Baleno."

Z : "What size?"

J : "From Baleno!"

Me : "Fuck the both of you lah! Z, you should say 'Eh, your jeans from Baleno ah?' then J, you answer 'Size 34!'..."

Kaoz what is wrong with youngsters nowsadays? People ask about the size of your jeans, you tell them the brand, so i suppose that in order to find out the size of people's jeans, you should ask them about the brand!

Is there no one else?

I just realised that Mr. Chua and Mr. Seow are both overseas and its been weeks since our dear friends had anything new to read. I once again apologise for my busy schedule and to make things up to all my loving fans, here's a story which i hope you guys will find funny...

True story i heard from a friend...

My friend comes from a family of goldsmiths and his dad owns a traditional jewellery shop somewhere in Chinatown. One fine day, this Chinese National entered the shop and decided to purchase some jewellery. Now my friend's dad has never been a big fan of Mainland Chinese and his general perception of them is that they are:

• Picky
• Difficult to Serve
• Stingy
• Want Cheap, Want Fresh, Want Big Breast

This particular Chinese fella fell smack in the middle of the above classification and after hours and hours of choosing, trying, bargaining and all, he settles for a few pieces. After being told the price...

China : "Can i pay in RMB?"

Dad : "No, only Singapore dollars!"

China : "Ok, where is the toilet?"

Dad : "Go out, turn left!"

At this point of time you must be thinking, shouldn't he be looking for an ATM or a money changer? Why the toilet? Ah.... according to dad, the Chinese are very careful with their money and in order to prevent theft, they keep their cash in, get this, their underwear! Yep, they literally stuff wades of cash in their underwear! True enough, 5 minutes later, Chinaman appears from the toilet with a thick stack of sweat-stained (Like salted vegetables) cash in his hands. Next stop? Money changer of course, Chinaman calmly walks towards the money changer which is a few units away from dad's shop.

The money changer, whose race i will not mention because i don't want to go to jail, took the stack of RMB and began counting them. Okay, think! This is a money changer in Chinatown, so do you think they will have those "high-tech" pads to wet their fingers before counting the cash? No right? So what did poor money changer do?

Yep, he licked...