Uncle! What you doing? (Part II)

One fine Monday morning, i was aboard Bus Service 963E on my way to work (This time it's work, not Hell, Bus 268 goes to Hell). Okay, let me repeat, Bus Service 963E, with the "E" as in "Express". The good thing about this "E" is that it saves me a good 20mins off my journey, the shitty part is that the service skips a considerable number of stops and leaves some poor jokers flagging in vain for a bus that doesn't stop at their bus stop, actually that's also good.

Here's what happened, the traffic that day was particularly bad as it was the first day after the June Holidays. As the bus approached the bus stop which it was NOT supposed to pick up passengers, it sorta got stuck in a "red light plus yellow box" situation, causing it to come to a halt at the position shown in the illustration below.

Here's where, (let's call him) Horny Uncle comes in, while the bus was approaching the bus stop, he was already trying to flag it down like nobody's business. BUT that wasn't going to happen of course. Instead when the bus stopped behind the yellow box, Horny Uncle rushed out to the road and tried to pull a 6/4 Tian-An-Men-Man-Stops-Tank-By-Standing-In-Front-Of-It stunt!
The bus captain was obviously unimpressed by Horny Uncle's animated charade performance and refused to open the door OR run him over. Behind us, a bunch of pissed drivers were already growing impatient and were making their frustrations heard. After about 15 seconds of drama, Horny Uncle finally relented and allowed us to pass, not without giving his signature defiant look and all!

Up to this stage if the thought "Why the name Horny Uncle?" never crossed your mind, shame on you. Nevermind, being the nice guy that i am, i shall explain. You see, Bus Service 963/963E travels to HarbourFront. So..........

963/963E = HarbourFront = Ferry Terminal = Ferry Trip = Batam = 2nd/3rd/4th wife

Poor Uncle must be rushing to make his weekly CPF contributions (to the GDP of the island)...

SMS Alerts Singaporeans will appreciate (Part II)

For Ms. Khee, who wants to make a quick buck.

1. 4D Alert
***(Msg Ref: 9750)Dear Subscriber, a traffic accident has occured at the junction of Woodlands Dr 15 and Dr 17, in front of Blk 452, between Vehicle Numbers XXX3647X and YYY4188Y at 1458hrs. Kindly proceed to your nearest Singapore Pools Outlet and place bets for 4D Numbers 9750, 1517, 0452, 3647, 4188 and 1458 for Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday. Huat Ah!***

Disclaimer: Numbers are plucked from the sky and bears no reference to anything or anyone what-so-ever.

Also for Ms. Khee...
2. Investment Alert
***Dear Subscriber. Want to earn USD$500,000 in a month? All you need is a valid personal bank account and SGD$50,000! The Nigerian Investors Association will transfer funds to/fro Nigeria via your bank account for undisclosed business activities. Each transaction entitles you to earn up to USD$10,000! There are also attractive prizes to be won with the top prize of a pair of (No-Return) Air Tickets to Africa! To register, reply this SMS with your Name and Email Address. Successful applicants will receive a confirmation email and instructions on how to conduct fund transfers. Hurry, sign up NOW***


3. Wife Alert (Service available for Batam/Balai and other neighbouring islands)
***Dear Mr. Subscriber. Our Auto-Roaming Relay Station has detected your spouse's mobile signal on the island. Kindly cease all sexual (Natural/Unnatural) activities with your underaged service provider and take the earliest ferry home***

Back in Singapore,
***Thank you for using XXX Telco's Wife Alert Service. For our valued customers, we are introducing our latest service, Geylang Directory. Just text [Lorong Number] [space] [Geylang]to 4395264 whenever you are in Geylang for some "nightsnacks". XXX Telco will send you an SMS with information on all the "Dragon Ladies" within 10 Lorongs of your location. Now you never have to hunt high and low for them with the new Geylang Directory***

SMS Alerts Singaporeans will appreciate...

1. Carpark Aunty SMS Alert
***Dear Owner of vehicle no. SKY1234Z, our Global Positioning System has detected a Carpark Attendant within 20 meters of your vehicle. Please ensure that you have displayed a valid parking coupon, else please abandon your half-eaten bowl of Bar Chor Mee (No Ter Kua) and proceed immediately to your vehicle***

2. Loan Shark SMS Alert
***Dear Subscriber, Signal NOT clear. Our sensors have detected traces of red paint and pork remains near your residence. Please secure the front door and any windows facing the common corridor and pretend that no one is home***

30 seconds later... ...
***Reminder: Please settle your outstanding bill of $148.96 as soon as possible. XXX Telco reserves the rights to outsource our credit collection to the illegal debt collectors who are currently outside your door. If you have settled the outstanding amount, kindly ignore this message. We hope your mobile phone is on silent mode =P***

Abit tired to write somemore. Stay tuned for Part II...

PS: Feel free to contribute ideas, i will come up with the SMS contents.

SMS Alert

Read this off the news today.

"Some German professors have launched a system to warn subscribers of an impending tsunami, wherever they are, via a mobile text message. The inventors say such a system could prevent tragedies like the 2004 Asian tsunami ...

... But the tsunami alert system via mobile phones is not free. A year's subscription costs about $60 (US$40). Holidaymakers can also subscribe to a monthly subscription of $20 dollars (US$12.50). They can go online to do so at http://www.tsunami-alarm-system.com."

Apparently subscribers will receive an SMS that reads "**All Signals Clear** A Tsunami is NO longer expected according to our data and danger prognosis** Thank you very much for using the Tsunami Alarm"

Ok first things first, can somebody tell me what kind of SMS the system will send if a Tsunami is expected?

Will it read something like "**Signal NOT clear** A Tsunami IS expected within your vicinity according to our data and danger prognosis** Kindly settle your outstanding balance of US$12.50 at your nearest Self-Automated Kiosk BEFORE you go in search of higher ground. Thank you very much for using the Tsunami Alarm and we pray for your continued support"?

Or a much simpler "**Signal NOT clear** RUN! Thank you for using the Tsunami Alarm, we shall proceed to process your bill and send it to your next-of-kin, just in case"?

Pardon me while i confirm my one-way ticket to Hell...

Why girls end up with assholes?

Nice post on why girls end up with assholes. "Unpolished" refers to the asshole in the story...

"I'm not wondering how beautiful girls end up with assholes. That's too easy, and I don't have to wonder about it much. If you end up with an asshole on your arm -- whether male or female -- it's because you're flawed. I'm flawed, and I've had the occasional asshole on my arm. You get stuck with an asshole because you think very little of yourself. Or the sex is phenomenal. Or you're after money or drugs.

I know this already. So do you.I'm wondering what's there when all that you "see in him" is gone. When the whole alpha male act gets tired, and what you're left with is a semi-literate manual laborer with poor work habits who's just been told by the State of New York that he's no longer permitted to drive on its roadways. What happens then? Is your love for such a person so unconditional that you'll continue to sit and stroke the webbing between his fingers even though he's just been metaphorically castrated by the judicial system?

I wonder about her parents. Had they cared? Had they put ribbons in her hair and made her sit at the kitchen table and work her multiplication tables? Had her father run after her the first time she rode without training wheels? Had he known she'd end up with Unpolished, stroking the webbing between his fingers on a bench outside the courtroom?

I can't pretend to know what transpires between the two of them. I looked over at this man, and he had nothing. No command of his native language. No idea how to dress for a court appearance. Probably never opened a book voluntarily in his life. But he had her, and she was beautiful and I wondered what would happen once they walked out the doors of the courthouse."

Damn i wish i could write like that...

Of Cups and Pots...

Clay Pot :
1. An earthen vessel, appropriated to any of a great variety of uses, as for boiling (frog) meat or vegetables, for holding liquids, for plants, etc.
Example: "There is a famous store at Geylang selling clay pot frog porridge."

2. A situation where one places losing bets for every single football match over a given period of time. (Opposite : Jackpot)
Example: "Nao Hia! Yesterday night World Cup bet 3 games all lose! Kena clay pot sia!"

Back with the Reds?

After a lengthy absence from then team, Yap finally played again for the Reds. Unfortunately they were unable to find a keeper so i had to fulfill that role. We played relatively well with only 1 substitute, drew 1-1 (I conceded a penalty) after going ahead 1-0 in the 2nd half. There were jokes going around of me putting on weight and looking like a steamed chicken. I was even referred to as the 'Prodigal Son' who disappeared. If i'm promised an outfield position next week, i will definitely play again. So please give me strength and stamina to last at least 20mins on the pitch.