Wednesday, December 28, 2005

What's a guy like me to do?

Caught this on the telly...

(Scene set in an extremely classy watering hole for executives)

Hospital Professor: "Maybe i didn't have enough to drink..." (Grabs his bottle)

Professor's Mistress: "Drowning your sorrows in wine? That's what 2nd-rate men do."

Hospital Professor: "i've nothing scheduled tomorrow, let's go to your place." (Grabs her hand)

Professor's Mistress: "That's what 3rd-rate men do. What you need to do now is to go home and rest."

All this time i'm just sitting there, staring at the telly like a jackass thinking to myself...

"What the fuck does a 4th-rate guy like me do then?"

Damn the Mistress!

Monday, December 26, 2005

"Wooh! I'm 1st!"

Ever come across a rather popular blog or website and when you click the "Comments" section, you see this => "Wooh! I'm 1st!"

I mean what the fuck?! What's the big deal? Is this some kind of sick, twisted game that these people play? To see who is first to leave a comment? To declare to the world that they arrived at the website before anyone else? To me, it only means one thing, that they have nothing better to do with their life than to check websites every 5 seconds for updates. At least fucking say something meaningful for God's sake! Freaking best of all, i've seen "2nd also not bad" as a comment. What the fuck! That's even more lame than the first one! These jokers should not be allowed Internet access. In fact these cretins (Wah! New insult word!) should be dragged out and shot repeatly in the head because one bullet could hardly penetrate their thick skulls. AND these idiots shall be buried next to jokers whose blogs are about their daily activities*.

If you are one of the above mentioned kind, slowly step away from your computer, find the nearest window, and jump out of it. More air for everybody once you're gone.

*Activities include/not limited to:
1. Eating
2. Sleeping
3. SMS-ing
4. Talking to your boy/girlfriend

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Letters to Santa...

Found this while surfing for porn. Perfect thing to kill that stinky festive spirit...

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all Yeer,
yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE-PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

And of course, being the super Bo Liao idiot, i strongly felt that i had to make a contribution to inject a more local flavour to this sucky Christmas...

Lao-Eh,
Kan Nin Lao Eh last year the LV bag you gave me is Pua Chee Bye "chiong" one! This year you better wake up your fucking idea and get me a REAL LV bag or i will make sure my sistas from Chup-Buay Neh Neh Tong (18 Breast Gang) will go to your house to settle! North Pole right?! I know where, beside North Point!
You Better Watch Out, Lian-Huay

Lian-Huay,
Firstly, my name is Santa. Next, i suggest you go find your junkie boyfriend, and threaten to stop having underaged sex with him until he gets you the real deal. By the way, i've stopped giving out LV stuff long ago, hurts the bottomline.
Santa

Have yourselves a crappy Christmas people!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Are you a CAVE Dweller?

Actually had the pleasure to watch Prime Time Morning on CNA because it is the start of my term break. Well, the day's topic was about a survey done on the apparent "engagement level" of employees in an organization. When i first read the caption, i was like "Huh? What engagement level? You mean they actually conducted a region-wide survey on office romance? What kind of corporate crap is this?"

Thanks to Mr. Gopal (At this point, i'm trying my best NOT to replace all my W's with V's), i've gotten to know the meaning of "Employee Engagement Level" very very velle.... The most interesting part was when our friend mentioned the term "CAVE Dweller".

Constantly
Against
Virtually
Everything

If you are a CAVE employee, it means you disagree veeth everything your Bosses say, veehich means that you spend more time complaining about your Boss than actually doing work. This is usually the result of low levels of employee engagement.

Vow! i didn't know bitching about my boss would be so counter-productive. So people, just for today, ask yourself, "Am i a CAVE Dweller?". If so, please feel free to share with me what you intend to do about it. Below are some suggested solutions...

1. Vhy bitch about your Boss vhen you are much better off kissing his/her ass?

2. Vhy bitch about your Boss vhen you actually have control over the amount of lead that goes into his/her morning cuppa?

3. Vhy bitch about your Boss vhen you can bitch about something more meaningful, like the state of your office toilet?

4. Vhy bitch about your Boss vhen you can actually bitch about the moron who hired your Boss?

5. Vhy bitch about your Boss vhen you should be focusing your efforts into ousting him/her?

Monday, December 12, 2005

I'm NOT Your...

So sorry for the lack of materials over the 2 weeks, was involved in a lot of events, some are rather uncomfortable to mention, and some i don't bother mentioning.
To make it up to you guys, i will present to you my unofficial list of "I'm NOT Your..." to help you pass the next 5 minutes of your meaningful life.

1. I'm NOT your jukebox! So don't tell me you want to hear this song hear that song (Until you SongSong) unless i say something along the lines of "What song would you like to listen to?" Accept me for who i am, love me as a complete entity, not just my voice. You will be better off with a songbird because last time i checked, bird seeds are cheaper than beer.

2. I'm NOT your sister/brother! Unless i start addressing you as "Bro" or "Sis" or have a genuine liking for you (Clue is to check your back for my knife), please take your filthy hands off my shoulder, stop calling me "Brudder brudder" and stop pushing your unfinished drinks to my face and expect me to 'Steng-ah Steng-ah' with you while you make that slicing motion with your hand. And for the tenth time, i will not sing <黄昏>!

3. I'm NOT your clown! Unless you are my friend/friend's partner/friend's spouse/girl-of-my-dreams, do not, i say again, do not expect me to entertain you with my jokes or silly antics. Those performances are reserved for the privileged few whom i feel comfortable being a complete moron in front of. If you are wondering who these people are, well, you are not one of them.

4. I'm NOT your nerd. Don't ask me for notes, model answers, solutions to that pesky economics question, whatever! Unless i'm really free or feeling extremely charitable, try not to ask me for help with your studies. I'm a lazy bastard who would rather be drinking in a karaoke pub then to be assisting you in climbing that academic ladder. But! But, if i decide to impart any portion of my knowledge to you and you happen to do well as a result, i at least expect to be thanked. Verbally.

5. I'm NOT your God, and you are certainly not fit to be my Dog.

(Stay tuned for more updates, i'm going to watch Las Vegas, then Scrubs! Woohoo!)