Three

: THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
1.Yap
2.Lor-bin-ah
3.Dua Tao

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD
1.Yap
2.Yapster
3.Yappie

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
1.H
2.U
3.H?

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1.Poverty
2.Disease
3.Frogs

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
1.Food
2.Water
3.Shelter

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHTNOW
1.Boxers
2.Glasses
3.A Frown

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS
1.Beyond
2.Hacken Lee
3.Chicago

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS
1.You Come To My Senses - Chicago
2.In My Dreams - REO Speedwagon
3.Most of Hacken's Songs

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
1.Me
2.Her
3.Love

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1.Im Lying
2.Im Lying
3.That's The Truth

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OTHER SEX THAT APPEALS TO YOU
1.Face
2.Body
3.Singing Ability

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES
1.Singing
2.Drinking
3.Sleeping

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW
1.Sing
2.Drink
3.Sleep

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/HAVE CONSIDERED
1.Singer
2.Super Hero
3.Your Boss

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION
1.Spain
2.Italy
3.Japan

THREE KIDS NAMES YOU LIKE
1.Ah-Dee
2.Ah-Mui
3.Eh

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1.Make tonnes of money and spend it
2.Find A Mate
3.Outlive My Enemies

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREO TYPICALLY A GUY
1.I Eat
2.I Sleep
3.I Pee Standing

THREE FEMALE CELEB CRUSHES
1.Xu Wei Lun
2.Lin Zhi Ling
3.Nonie Tao Jun Wei

Should you have one?

To all the "self-proclaimed bloggers" out there...

"According to this report, there are an average of 500,000 blog posts every single day, which is about 5 per second. Now, if every blog were putting funny, entertaining, useful, amusing, touching, informative content out into the world, that would be a wonderful thing. But the fact is the overwhelming majority of these posts are just people yammering on about the assorted banalities of their lives, as if the fact that they recently purchased a new lawnmower might be of interest to anyone anywhere.

Even if I was your best friend, your FATHER, I wouldn't care if you got a new lawnmower. Before blogging, did you call your friends and share this kind of boring news with them? If so, you're an idiot and you shouldn't be allowed to have friends."

Look here, i'm not saying that everything i post is funny, entertaining, useful, amusing, touching or informative but please, the fact that i do not refer to you as a "fellow blogger" is because you ain't one! Neither am i for that matter. I'm just a regular dude with with internet access and too much free time on my hands. So for the final time, having a blog does not necessarily make you a blogger, if not every other freaking dick/cunthead in Singapore can qualify as one.

By the way, even if you get a million hits a day on your lame excuse for a blog, that does not make you a blogger. It's because the million hits is most probably from the same lowlife who is staring at the "artistic" photos you took with your cheapskate digital camera. I shall not elaborate on the concurrent activity in which he engages in while viewing your blog.

Let me suggest an alternative for you, instead of further polluting the cyberspace with your "luncheon meat"(Spam lah! Not pork!), go to your friendly neighbour bookstore, invest in a Triple 5 booklet and a good piece of writing equipment and write away my friend. You can even pass yourself off as a writer, now that's much cooler than being a blogger right?

Aww... did i piss you off? I was just joking yah, don't be offended okay? Cos honestly, i really enjoy reading about what you had for lunch, really...

Where got so many shows to host?

It's hard NOT to notice all the "Search for Singapore's best" competitions because during every single freaking commercial break on any god-damned channel, the viewers are bombarded by trailer ads about "Star Idol", "Super Host", "School Superstar", "Singapore Idol '06" and whatever have you. This has to be reality overkill in its purest form!

We have 4.25 million people squeezed onto this puny island and we have often been mistaken to be a part of China for god's sake! So i ask, why the sudden need for so many "talents"? Take the recently concluded "Project Superstar" for example, we managed to produced like 10 hosts from a singing competition, yes? So much so that we have to come up with a completely new programme (Super Funkies) for them to host because Singaporeans need more people to tell them where to find good food, the latest shopping hunt or update them on celebrity gossip. Don't we already have like a million other programmes that are doing just that?

Best of all, "Super Host" is starting soon and considering the fact that there are 16 finalists, i expect at least 8 to be given contracts to host local programmes. More hosts, great, just what we need. I guess they would have to name the programme "Super Hosties" and the show would feature good food, great shopping and celebrity gossip. Do i sense a pattern forming?

"School Superstar", now that's another disaster waiting to happen. According to reports the turnout was so overwhelming that auditions would have to last from Sunday to Tuesday! This is a competition which claims to give students a chance to showcase their singing talents, interact with other students and improve their Chinese! Do you think you can finish the competition before school re-opens? I don't think so. Even if we do manage to find our school idols, what would we do with them? Release albums? Surely not, so the only solution is to create yet another new programme for them to host, yes? This new programme would be a local students' guide to good food, good shopping and celebrity gossip. How does "Ultra Funkies" sound?

I sincerely don't understand the need for "Star Idol" because if my memory serves me well, we have something called "Star Search", which is responsible for topping up our local pool of acting (And hosting for fark's sake) talent. At least "Star Search" is judged by a qualified panel of judges and not by friends whose thumbs are swollen from all that sms-ing. I forsee yet another quality primetime slot being taken up for a new programme called "Idol Hosties" where the finalist get to introduce the good food places, best shopping buys and gossip about celebritites. Hey, where have i heard that before?

Speaking for myself, i don't give an owl's hoot about the new programmes that might possibly be introduced once we are through with all the competitions, just as long as none of my Taiwan, Hong Kong, Japanese or Korean shows are sacrificed. Oh well, at least we have no problem looking for people to perform those cock-a-nathan stunts during charity shows.

By the way, notice that everything from Ch5 and Ch8 have "Idol" while everything from ChU has "Super"?

Disturbing

Apparently these are the Top 10 Network Searches in my Friendster Network.
Those in brackets are translations for my Non-Chinese friends.

1. romantic love songs
2. 跟女友做爱 (Follow girlfriend make love)
3. latest fashion for men
4. 姐夫出差了我和姐姐搞 (Brother-in-law working, me and sister "engage-in-some-family-fun")
5. free witchcraft love spells
6. 姐姐教弟弟做爱 (Sister teach brother make love)
7. love calculator
8. 短裙走光 (Short skirt "run light")
9. 女學生 做爱 (Girl students make love)
10. Hebe裸照 (Hebe naked photos)

Incidently, ALL the searches in Chinese are of pornographic nature, while the rest suggests the need for love. Does this imply that my network of friends consists of a whole bunch of sexually deprived Cheena dudes and another bunch of "KanTangs" who are trying their best to get laid?

The disturbing part is that elder sisters are mentioned in choices 4 and 6! Ladies, if you are Chinese, have a younger brother and your boyfriend/husband is away on work, please be careful, that little dick might be up to some mischief. Chances are 20% of the time, the little prick is thinking about screwing YOU, 20% of the time he's trying his luck with his girlfriend or other schoolgirls, and 20% of the time he's searching for "upskirt" or naked images on the Internet. Or you can pray hard (very hard) that he's into the latest fashion for men or romantic love songs.

By the way i'm an only child...

"Off" the thing can?

(First Ever Image On My Blog!!!)

This label was spotted in a particular tutorial room located in a particular educational institute in Singapore. It says "PLS OFF AIR CON BEFORE LEAVING".

So much for trying to improve the English standard of the students yah...

Why Think On The Bad Side?

I have always been a pessimist and i honestly don't remember the last time i was optimistic about something, and even if i was, the outcome would most probably have been rather bad.
More than half my life, i've been looking at the not-so-bright side, always expecting the worst, preparing for failure, waiting for the bomb to drop, disaster to strike. I've always believed in the thought that what can go wrong will go wrong, the toast would always land buttered side down, the hero would die first and the princess would marry the evil wizard.

The reason is simple, by being pessimistic, i'm always either correct or pleasantly surprised. And i love it when i'm right, even if it's about something bad. You see, over the years, i've developed this uncanny ability to predict "disasters", and they are sometimes so accurate that i surprise myself! Ask some of my closer friends and they will tell you. Nothing good comes out of my mouth, only bad predictions which have a decent accuracy rate, very decent.

Some people have tried to help me see the bright side of things, blaming my pessimism on my supposed "low self esteem".

"You lack confidence, that's why you always think on the bad side of things."

"Don't be bad lah, things would turn out for the better."

"Choy! Sway mouth!" Are some of the things that they say.

Spare me that crap please. You can take your "明天会更好", "Things can only get better", "The only way is up", "Don't worry be happy" theory and shove it up your You-know-what.
When you are down, it never rains, it pours my friend, and you can wallow in your pathetic pool of sorrow for all i care. So the best way to go is my way, protect yourself by being a pessimist, at least you can say "Hey, i saw that coming."

So for all you "Sunshine Folks" out there, i hope you have a good life and that disappointments or setbacks don't hit you too hard. If you need advice on any matter, remember one thing, "The Predictor" is IN.
Terms & Conditions

Calls are charged according to your mobile service provider.
Forms of payment accepted includes cash, cigarettes and beer.

How I deal with...

How yours truly deal with...
Telemarketer trying to get me to sign up for a credit card

Me : "Hello?"

Them : "Hello Mr. Yap, this is so-and-so calling from so-and-so bank and i would like to tell you more about our this-and-that credit card."

Me : "Oh, sorry, i'm still schooling and don't have a fixed income."

Them : "No Problem, it's okay Sir."

Them : "Duuu...................................."

Me : "Hello? Kan Nin Lao Shi Eh Pua Tur-tle!" (Hello? Screw Your Teacher's Broken Turtle)

Case closed.

How yours truly deal with...
Telemarketers from the green-colored company trying to get me to sign up for cable

Me : "Hello?"

Them : "Hello Mr. Yap, this is so-and-so calling from the green-colored company and we would like to offer you free installation if you subscribe to our cable television channels."

Me : "Oh, thank you so much so-and-so but i'm sorry i cannot decide because i'm not the one paying for the subscription."

Them : "Oh, but you see Sir, the installation of the unit is FREE."

Me : "Thank you again, but hardly anyone in my household watches that much TV, and my Dad is not going to pay for something he's not going to watch."

Them : "In that case, thank you Sir."

Me : "Thank you for calling."

Case closed.

How yours truly deal with...
Insurance Agents/Life Planners at MRT stations, i repeat, AT MRT STATIONS!

Firstly, if you can help it, avoid walking into their "Killing Zone", but in the unfortuante event that you end up in the zone and you are being approached by one of them.

Them : "Hello Sir, can you spare me 3 minutes of your time?"

Me : "Erm..."

Them : " Really, only 3 minutes, let me tell you about our product which can help you save so-much-so money in so-little-so time at just only-this-only amount per month."

Don't lie, if anyone of you have ever been approached by anyone of them, you know it's never going to be 3 minutes. It's either 3 seconds or forever! Even if it was 3 minutes, would you make a decision which would affect your entire financial future after listening to a 3 minute sales pitch? I can go on and on but i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. I go to the train station to catch a train to wherever i'm heading to, not with the intention to have my life "planned".

My recommended response, even thou i have yet to try this myself,

Me : "I'm an agent for (Insert rival company/bank name)."

Case closed.

I respect your job and i know it's tough for you guys. I know that this is most probably your part-time job and you are most probably forced to make these "cold calls" or do these "mini roadshows". I respect those who are dedicated to their work, more so if they are really commited to helping people like us plan our financial futures. I have many friends who are working as agents and i respect their work ethic and the sheer toughness of their jobs.
But don't, never, ever get someone my age, who most probably just passed his planner exams, extremely heavy cigarette breath, poor english and a pushy attitude to try to sell me anything or plan anything that belongs to me.

Here, have a pack of mints and a dictionary on me...

Hottest Blogger?

The headlines read "Singapore's Hottest Blogger" on the frontpage of a particular newspaper.
So i thought to myself? Who is "Singapore's Hottest Blogger"?
Out of the blue, this struck me...
"...the blogger without air-con..."

Theory Man

After weeks of struggling with his finances, a particular Brother of mine finally received his first paycheck and of course being the nice guy, i felt obligated to help him spend some of it.

I met him at his usual hangout for drinks and some singsong. It wasn't a particularly busy night so everything was almost nice and quiet except for the noise coming from a table of "Middle Countryers" (They left after apparently finishing 20 jugs of beer, one of them puked on the floor as evidence). Well, back to my story, at about eleven-ish, this small group (3 guys, 2 gals) of people came in and sat beside our table. One look and i could tell they are the Engerish-Spiaking Yuppies who can blabber on the whole night. There was this one guy, mid-30's, nerdy looking with glasses and thinning hair who kept talking the whole freaking night! Worse, his younger companions were lapping up his "words of wisdom" like he is some messenger of God or what. I call him "Theory Man".
Mentioned below are some of the things that actually came out of his mouth...

"I tell you, i have been in this industry long enough and i have seen all kinds of people..."

"When you have money, the girls will come to you."


"No! Girls should woo the guys..."

"See, we can understand each other!" (Referring to his conversation with an Ang Mor whom he approached to dispense his wisdom)

Fuck you! It's English! Who cannot understand? How can someone actually be so cocksure of himself? I mean there were a lot more claims that came out of his mouth of which i couldn't remember or simply chose not to remember because the whole night seemed like his personal bullshitting session! Give the guy a few more drinks, then maybe he would finally admit that he is an over-the-hill, under-achieving, cock-spouting, ego-tripping nerd. And an ugly one i might add.

Where is your wallet dude? Where are the girls who are supposedly chasing you? Are you really living your life according to your great theories? Anyone ever called your bluff?

Wake up and get a life my facially challenged friend...

Just so sad...

Im sure we all know about the 17yr old blogger who was charged with in court under the Sedition Act for making racist remarks on his blog.
Here's part of the report...

"The defence lawyer said the main reason why Gan had such feelings of ill will towards the Malay community is because of the death of his younger brother when he was only seven years old. His month-old brother had breathing difficulties and needed to be taken to the hospital in a cab, but a Malay couple refused to let them go first despite his mother's pleas. By the time the family got to the hospital, his brother was already dead. His mother was subsequently diagnosed with post-natal depression."

I mean isn't it just sad to see these sort of things happening? Maybe the couple who refused to let the Gan family board the taxi had something urgent to attend to as well but we are talking about a MONTH OLD BABY here, few things can be more important than the life of an infant.
Unfortuantely Baby Gan lost his life and 10 years later his elder brother will most probably be convicted of making racist remarks. How shitty can things get for the Gan family? I mean the kid is taking his "O" Levels in November, how in hell do you expect him to concentrate on taking what might be the most important exam of his life? What about Mrs. Gan? Anyone spared a thought for her? I'm not saying that the boy should not be punished for his actions but surely there must be a better way to handle this.

Damn it's a sad world...

Karaoke (Hall) Etiquette

Here's the 2nd installment to my Karaoke Etiquette series. This time i will be discussing about what should and should not be done when you are in a karaoke pub/hall.

Do: Go in small groups of 3 - 4 people if singing is your main motive. With the Songs-Per-Table rule, chances are you might not get to sing very much.

Don't: Gather 2 - 3 people whom you know don't sing and hog the microphone for the whole night! Because if you go alone you would most probably be allocated 1 song per round.

Do: If you are there alone, sit at the bar or a small table.

Don't: Go alone and sit at the couch and order 1 bottle of "Mar-Teh" and expect ALL the waitresses to come and "sit-sit" and "chat chat" with you Lowlife!

Do: Be friendly to the waitresses if they chat with you or thank them if they compliment you on your singing.

Don't: Purposely change the lyrics of a stupid Ah-Beng song to accomodate the name of the waitress you like. We are NOT impressed.

Do: Make friends and be nice to the waitresses, they are interesting people.

Don't: Fall in love with them.... on your first visit.

Do: Clap for other tables if you feel they have sang well. Raise your glass and politely propose a toast.

Don't: Expect other tables to clap for you, raise their glasses to you and propose a toast to your "excellent" singing, you frog!

Do: Make an excuse and go to the washroom if someone at the hall sings like he/she is going to single-handedly wipe out the H5N1 virus (杀鸡) and stay there until the song is finished.

Don't: Exclaim "Wah Lau Eh! Si Beh Pai Tia! Eject! Eject!". Watch for the beer mug flying towards your head.

Do: Engage in a few rounds of drinking games with the waitresses, be humble if you win and be gracious when you lose.

Don't: Play Five-Ten with the Lady Boss. Trust me...

Now, armed with this knowledge, you are ready to have a good time at ALMOST any karaoke joint. All thats left is to learn how to sing properly. Kekeke...

Karaoke (Room) Etiquette

For the benefit of my friends who do not patronise karaoke joints as often as i do, here are some "Do's & Don't" to observe when going to a karaoke... Hope it makes sense to you.

When in a karaoke room...

Do: Encourage your more introvert friends or those "I really can't sing one!" to sing a song or two. You might uncover a gem.

Don't: Grimace if they sound like crap, and watch the beer coming out from your nose, it's a dead giveaway! Never give fake comments like "Oh! You should have joined Project Superstar!" or "You have a good voice, just needs practise." You will regret it.

Do: Plan your songs, distribute them evenly among the gang. Maximum 3 songs per person at one go.

Don't: Treat it like your personal concert, or dedicate like 10 songs from the same singer for yourself just because you are too lazy to find the songs later. Try lah! Sing 10 songs at one go lah!

Do: Pass the microphone around, it keeps everyone involved so that no one is left out. Remember, it's not always about you.

Don't: Talk loudly or play noisy games when your friends are singing, its damn rude.

Do: Request that the better singers sing songs that evokes special memories or feelings for you. Trust me, if they know they can sing the song, they would.

Don't: Treat them like a jukebox. Or make them sing songs against their free will.

Do: Clap in appreciation after every song, even though you were guilty of not paying attention.

Don't: Clap because someone else offered to pick up the tab you Cheap-O-skater!

Shoe Vs Escalator

It was an unbearably hot and humid Friday afternoon but i still had to drag my ass to work. Upon reaching the train station, i glanced at the electronic display which shows approximately how many minutes the train would be arriving in. Marina Bay, 1 minute, next train, 7, Sigh...
It was damn hot and i was still quite early so i decided against running to catch the arriving train. See im that kind of person who micro-plans my schedule according to the amount of time i have before the next train arrives.

Arriving : Run Forrest! Run!
1 - 3 minutes : Just enough time to get on the train without running.
4 - 7 minutes : Grab a pack of cigarettes or newspaper or top-up the o'l Ezlink.
8 - 10 minutes : ATM for cash deposit, withdrawal or checking of balance.
>10 minutes : Curse and swear at the idiot who jumped on the track before my station.

Okay lets get back to the story, since i got 7 minutes and less than $2 in my Ezlink, i went to the ticketing booth, paid $10 to listen to a recorded lady's voice telling me "Ten Dollars Added" and went on my way.

I arrived at the platform with 4 minutes to spare (You see, im still looking at the display!) and walked to my favourite boarding spot and waited. This was my favourite spot because i could see almost everything that is going on. People at the other side of the platform, people coming up from the escalator, swarms of people downstairs including students, buskers and insurance agents.

I turned my attention to the escalator, there was this woman and a secondary school student standing there just staring at the escalator. This scene soon became the focal point of the people arriving at the platform. I could see the student shaking his head and looking rather embarrassed and then i finally noticed it, his right shoe was missing! Upon closer inspection, i realise that the poor kid's shoe was jammed in the escalator and he apparently took his foot out to avoid having it crushed by the steps.

The interesting thing was, in this battle of the shoe versus the escalator, the shoe came out victorious because it caused the escalator to stop completely. Not willing to admit defeat, the escalator held on to its opponent with all its might, biting deep into the skin so much so that the referee was unable to pull the victor from the gripping jaws of the sore loser.

Just as i was about to go closer to view the carnage, i hear the ever familiar announcement for passengers to "Stand behind the yellow line", end of my 4 minute free show i guess...
While in the train, i thought to myself, maybe i declared the wrong winner in the battle of the shoe versus the escalator, because even thou the shoe managed to stop the escalator, the escalator didn't stop working, it just transformed, into stairs....

God i love escalators!

TGIF?

It's Friday already, all my pals who work normal office hours are going TGIF (Thank God It's Firday). I on the other hand, go OFIF (Oh Fuck It's Friday) cos Friday is usually the day you'll get to see a bartender sweat in an air-conditioned place!

Damn "Eng" so i decided to come up with my "Top 10 List" of Ah-Beng names!
10. Quah See Mee
9. Pah Buey Toh
8. Lin Lau Hia
7. Lin Lau Peh (No relation to No. 8)
6. Yan Dao Eh
5. Mah Bo Loh
4. Kay Tee Vee
3. Yeo Ah Yeo
2. Chao Ah Beng
And the Number 1 Ah Beng name is.......
1. Ah Boi...

Ah what the heck, lets do Ah Lian names as well...
10. Buay Gu Chi
9. Ai Pra Dah
8. Cheng Cher Nel
7. Gia El Vee
6. Lin Dua Ji
5. Lin Lao Bu
4. Mee Nee Khoon
3. Seow Char Boh
2. Chao Lian Huay
And the Number 1 Ah Lian name is.....
1. Ah Girl...

Have a nice life!

I knew i should not have gone against my better judgement to talk about my personal feelings in here but, hey, what's done cannot be undone (Unless you are Duran Duran or Robbie Williams). Anyways i've trashed the 2 posts (Sorry ShuXiang, appreciate your comments) so as not to remind myself of what a complete moron i've been over the past 2 weeks. Parting words, have a nice life...

8 freaking weeks at work has made me into an excessive, compulsive alcoholic no doubt. Nowadays, No Booze = No Sleep, its true, the time now is freaking 5am, and i worked from 3pm to 3.30am! Problem is, im pretty awake and fully aware of the fact that i gotta be out of the house in less than 9 hours.

Heard from a customer about this film "Deliverance" which was made in 1972 by this Englishman who is living in Dublin, and this guy kept laughing at himself as he played out this one classic scene from the movie... Think i gotta get my hands on the DVD cos he had everyone, including me, in stitches. What's even funnier was when he called up his friend (who was the original performer of this joke), put him on speaker phone, asked everyone to shut up, and told him to say the lines from the movie! At 3 in the morning! Its amazing what you can make yourself and friends do after 10 bottles of beer.

Not Again?!

Piangz eh! Bali kena bombed again. The KuKu Cheows really so damn free nothing better to do go and bomb tourist. If these Kan Nin Nao Hia's ever get caught ah, please, here are some recommendations for their suggested punishment...

1. You make? You eat! Make the farker eat the freaking bomb he made. This would make him regret the amount of C4 and rusty nails he put in his creation. Once he's done, dessert is a bullet to the groin.

2. You make? You use! Gather the farker's family, make them sit in a circle and play "Passing Pacel" to the song "Macarena", music stops, BOM! Survivors carry on with the game.

3. Cut off the idiot's dick using a spoon, a tea spoon! Stick it in his mouth, stick a bomb up his arse, detonate remotely using mobile phone. Person dialing? His Mum who thinks she's calling her son.

Why you all so free to go and bomb people? Be like me lah, work 6 days a week, get drunk half the time, got time blog blog abit, go karaoke sing song abit, enjoy lah!

Incidents...

Well its been yet another busy week and i apologise for my lack of material. A lot of things happening for me these 2 weeks.

Bosses are in Bangkok which means no knocking off early for me. Andy is back from Taiwan which means getting pissed drunk every single night until Wednesday. International cockroaches are travelling to the U.S. for a month, thats good news cos i get to lower my pest control expenses. I was secretly hoping for an unfortunate incident which would see them being wiped out from the face of this earth but then i realised i'd have to sacrifice the rest of the people on the plane. So i guess i'l have to settle for them actually landing safely, and then get exterminated by the pest control people over there.

Funny thing was, my bosses are in Thailand, and there were like 2 Thai families at the pub on Saturday night!

Conversation between Tony, Bernard, Joy, Mr and Mrs Chua and myself...
Thais after 6 bottles of wine and 3 bottles of whiskey : "Chai Chai Chai! Yo Yo Yo! Chai.... Yo...!"

Me : "You know what the irony is? Khoon and Joyce are in Bangkok!"

Everyone : "Hahahahaha.."

Me : "Its like a straight swop! But we only sent 2 over! They sent like, 20 back!"

Bernard : "Must be the exchange rate"

Everyone : "Wahahahaha..."

Mr. Chua : "Eh... can you do an interview with that guy and ask him how it feels to bring a
woman to a pub and have her leave with someone else?"

Me : "He's a little pissed..."

For everyone's benefit, here's what happened later, as "that guy" was leaving, he left me some instructions.

"Lo-bin-san, if-a-someone comes in later, and-a-asks for me, please tell her that i have-a-left because i have-a-waited for a very long time. Thank you."

You are welcomed Mr. Chua...

Cockroaches!

Dont know whether it's Payday or what for the fucking cockroaches, everyone who you never see in a million years all chiong to my work place. Like some cockroach-mass-orgy like that, somemore it's a 2 day super orgy, all the Gan Pua Ji Teah difficult to serve motherfuckers all decend on us.

Favourite group, "We-cannot-drink-promotional-beer-cos-we-will-get-headache". Those messy cheebye bastards dont know know the last 6 months go where, then suddenly appear out of nowhere. Must be they finally clear their horse and soccer debt after fucking 6 months of OT (Over-Time), KPT (Ko-Pi-Tiam cheap beer) and PCC (Pah-Chew-Cheng, cos no money go Geylang) then got money to make us suffer.

First incident already made me damn Too Lan, we tell them our promotion for bottled beer, they help us do marketing research (Maybe because they have 2,900 researchers) by changing our beer promotion. Then when i serve the 2 motherfuckers, one of them say cannot drink because must eat first, so he ask for iced water. When i politely refused, he straight away approach my boss and said "Eh, take one ice water also cannot? Must eat first then can drink mah..." I fuck you understand! If you must eat first then can drink then what makes you think you can drink iced water before you eat? Still got drink what! Of cos in the end Lan Lan must give...

When the main-body finally arrived, the whole pub turn into their house. There was an on-going "Pool lecture" conducted by Miss Attention Seeker (Right Terry?). She was teaching all her friends how to play pool at our table. Theory first, then practical, very systematic. Eh, Slut! You want to teach people how to play pool, you go open S.A.O.F.P. (Singapore Academy Of Fine Pool) lah! Or pay by-the-hour at a pool parlour lah! Dont come here, "Loong" $2 and teach people how to play pool. Use hand to tahan the balls somemore (Tahan meaning to prevent the balls from going into the holes), she must be some expert in handling "balls", especially when it comes to keeping the "balls" away from the "holes". After teaching for some time, she approached the counter and complained that the air-con was not cold enough, i looked at her and noticed that she was wearing a sweater over a tank top or something, i just smiled and thought to myself "Take off your stoopid sweater lah! Easier to "play balls" with less clothing on also mah."

After 4 freaking buckets of beer, we were running short of what they wanted. "Sorry Boss, we dont have enough Heineken, is Stella ok?" Wah lau eh, those Cheebyes hear the name Stella only is like Stella is some KTV gal or prostitute from Geylang who has given them some STD like Cauliflower KuKu Cheow or Sif-fi-lis or whatever! "No! Cannot take Stella, will have headache! Very Jia Lat" Eh fuck you lah, you tell me which beer you drink too much wont give you headache. Finally it was decided that they would take Tiger, i think it's because Tiger Balm is good for curing headache the next morning. Hahaha...

Finally when all the cockroaches are drunk and happy, ask for one round of iced water again, excuse given was that they have to drive. Dont tell me ALL of you drive yah, and dont tell me a little glass of water can help you pass a road block. Thirsty just admit, no money to buy beer just admit, dont dare to drink toilet water just admit. Of cos in the end Lan Lan must give...

Damn, where is a can of Ridsect when you really need one?

"Took" some thinking

Breaking news, vegetable packer Took Leng How has been sentenced to death for the murder of Huang Na. He will be hanged. Thats sad, but capital punishment is a whole different can of worms which i would not want to talk about today. Here's my understanding of what happened...

Took took Huang Na to a warehouse, apparently to play hide-n-seek. Took then took his fingers and stuck them up her privates. Took smothered her to death with his bare hands. Took took her body and wrapped it with 9 layers of plastic bags which Took took from his work place, then Took took the wrapped body and placed it in a box, which Took also took from his work place. Took then took a motorcycle and dumped the box in Telok Blangah Hill Park.

After the incident, Took and a few friends ended up at Geylang where he took a lot of alcohol and also took a prostitute to "open room". After being detained for questioning, Took took a taxi and managed to escape back to his motherland. It took the Ma-Ta some time to find Took, of course, few mentioned that it was Took himself who surrendered. The Ma-Ta then took Took into custody.

Took took the "Are-You-Nuts" test and failed miserably and it took the the courts 13 days to find Took guilty. Took's wife took Little Took to watch the verdict. Bad choice. "Boy boy, sorry hor, your daddy is going to die cos he cant keep his hands to himself."

Huang Na's mother as we know, took about half a million dollars of "white gold" back to Middle Country. It also took her very little time to gain half a million pounds in the meantime.

May the soul of Huang Na rest in peace.

Bloggers Block

Seemed to be experiencing a bout of bloggers' block these few days and I apologise to my dear friends who are waiting to read some fresh posts. Could it be becos I have just switched to full-time bartending and working a 6 day week? Am I just plain lazy? Or Im a one-post-wonder? I dont know.

Of cos I must take this chance to say "Thank You" to the people who have read my blog and told me that they enjoyed reading it.

Not very sure what to talk about today, but I just watched Channel News Asia and saw this report on the Atkins Diet. Apparently the U.S. Society of Food says that it is impossible to sustain such a diet. They say that people usually manage to lose weight very quickly initially but gain back what they have lost or even more equally fast when they swtich back to their normal diet. Guess those people must ask themselves, "What is my NORMAL diet?". This Ang Mor lady who used to swear by the Atkins diet suddenly makes a U-turn and screws Dr. Atkins, saying that it made her weight go up and down and up and down, but problem is, everytime is down abit, up alot. Hahaha, watch what you are eating stupid fat bitch! U "Atkins" yourself to lose weight, then once you lost that weight, doesnt mean you can go back to eating like a pig you pig!

Come to think of it, debate about any diet also can, thing is, anyone noticed what the first 3 alphabets in the word "DIET" spell? Oooooooooooh..... was that why they changed Diet Coke to Coke Lite? I suppose the people at Coke hired the better and more creative re-naming experts (Hm... take away the 'D', throw in an 'L'... move the other 3 alphabets around... put the brand name first... THERE!)
Needless to say who Singapore ended up with (Hm... lets see, 3 more hours to kill before hitting the pub for a few pints... Orchard Towers or Geylang after that... you mean Marina Bay was the old name? What a coincidence!)

Lets move on, every thought why you can never answer "Yes" to the questions "Are you asleep?" or "Are you dead?", I mean the poor buggers who ask that question either get a bloody "No" or they dont get anything at all. So I hereby pronounce that "Are you asleep" and "Are you dead" as the 2 stupidest questions ever! Of cos, there are some questions that come very close to those 2. Let me give you some examples. Got to thank a friend for pointing this out, you know who you are Mr. Yap.

Ever happen to you? You get dressed and decide to go out of your house, you walk to the lift, you bump into your "I-have-no-topic" neighbour and he/she smiles and blurts out "Going out?" I mean what the fark! Imagine if your answer was "No, I just like to get dressed and take the lift, repeatedly."

The opposite also happens very often, you are heading home, at the lift lobby you bump into, surprise, your "not-the-sharpest-tool-in-the-shed" neighbour. This time, you get a "Going up home?" Wah Lau eh what is wrong with you?! Do you see a B1 button in your block's lift? Of cos Im going up, and of cos Im going home! What else do you expect?

In school we sometimes have to be in business attire for formal presentations. I love it when my friends from other classes see me in my shirt, tie, pants and they go "Presentation ah?", I always get a kick by replying "No, I just like to wear formal to school on such hot days."

Bloggers' block my foot!

Sing Ka Por Lang can only see white?

Phew finally, exams are over and time to work! Okay people, the topic today as you know is about my personal favourite, the typical Sing Ka Por Lang!

People reading this, if you have ever taken an escalator before, do you keep to the left so the people in a hurry can move faster on the right? If you do, good for you. If you dont, what would it take to make you do so? I also don't know what can be done, BUT one thing I know is what should NOT be done, that is to paint the right portion of the escalator yellow. "Why?" you might ask. Let me tell you, Singaporeans are completely colourblind when it comes to seeing yellow...
MRT platform, yellow line, no one stands behind it. Roads, double yellow line, motorists still want to park their car there. Junctions, yellow box, motorists still love to stop inside. Traffic lights, yellow (yellow, amber whatever!), just chiong. Toilet bowl, yellow stuff (erm you know what lah), still don't flush. The list goes on and on... like Celine Dion's heart.

Ah... but there's hope! By changing all these to the colour white, then it would be a completely different situation. "Why?" you might ask. Allow me to explain...

Police car and TP bike, white, everyone guai guai keep within the speed limit. National day, when the "men wearing white" arrive, everyone guai guai stand up, sing Ma-Li-Ki-Ta somemore. And these are the bastards who are just moving their lips during morning assembly! Sudden-lily all very enthu when they see white. Ang Mor, white, get $400,000 to rename Marina Bay to Marina Bay, no one dare to make noise. Ang Mor (again?!), white (again?!?), Sarong Party Girls see, grab only, the "yellow-skin" guys are invisible to them.

So, we should paint the MRT platform lines white, yellow box become white box, double yellow line become double white line, traffic lights should go Green, White, Red.

Heck! We should paint the right half of the escalator white! Brillant! Pay me the $400,000!

National Day Eve

Happy National Day Singapore, never notice the country so fast 40 years already. I have never been a particular nation-loving citizen and I believe I will be the first few who "siam" (Dodge, not Thailand!) if any bomb goes off. Choy choy! Pui Pui! So the farking terrorists please hor, "siam" far far ok? Hell is a nice place, a little warm thou but im sure you KuKu Cheows are already used to the heat.

Yesterday night went singing with Terence. New place, never go before, so try lor. Go there, nearly faint. I change my statement about the "new place". I mean the interior looks very nice and its very spacious, big pool table, huge projector screen, nice sound system. But the crowd i tell you, combined age of like 100,000 years old! Freaking scary lor, how many lao uncles and over-the-hill bengs can you squeeze into one place? Apparently alot. And the women with them are either lao aunties or girls who look too young to be with those uncles. Super mis-match. I dont knw whether to laugh or cry. Best of all got one aunty wearing a T-shirt with FREAKING FLASHING LIGHTS! Heart-shaped somemore! Thank God towards the end of the night either battery flat or she somehow switched the thing off. Wah Lau eh!

The moment you go in you can see very obvious, we are the 2 youngest guys there. The ah peks were happily singing their oldies, drinking their "Mar-Te" (Martell) and "sianing" their female companions who look like their nieces. And very obvious these ah peks are very popular with the management, i noticed that they drink their "Mar-Te" from nice ball glasses, the mixers and ice bucket always full and the waitresses always there. Talk about spending power! I would like the see the looks on their faces when their wives find out where they have been spending their National Day Eve. Office gathering my ass! Even if they order beer, its Carlsberg (Probably the best beer in the world) by the way, they get the nice nice glasses with the stylo-milo design and everything. What do the 2 young dudes get? Freaking Mugs! Those that you kena whack on the head can die one... the glass like 1 inch think, bloody heavy and damn unglam! Think i must go back 20 years later then can get a nice nice glass with my alcohol! Wah Lau eh!

Then this guy in his mid-30's must be pissed at the girl he got (KNN even he was drinking Mar-Te form the nice glasses). Punch the chair, walk in walk out kao-beh-kao-bu. Hello? Shirt and pants leh! His friends see already also sian. Then the girl and her "mummy" friend also walk in walk out like see beah stressed, maybe becos they know tonight no tips for them le. Best part, the guy act tough, walk past our table, tripped and "one-times-superman" in front of us, Terence had to help him up! Hahaha! Super Drama! Better than "Just For Laughs".

Happening place considering most of them have like 1 foot in the grave. Am i going there again? You tell me lor...

Noticed that?

Dear friends, ever realise that if the situation continues like this, CD racks are going to be an obsolete piece of erm... what do you call it? Hm... furniture? You see, i salute the people who still buy CDs on a regular basis, they are supporting the dwindling music industry. Imagine, if everyone downloads their music, who buys the CDs? And if no one buys the CDs... aiya you know the story lah! So the poor makers of CD racks (I don't care how cool you make them!), Please, time to diversify.

Of cos, even IF you buy CDs, friends, tell me, how many CDs nowsadays can actually fit into a conventional CD rack? Tell me, honestly. This is especially true for the Mando/Canto-Pop scene. Look the the ridiculous things they (Think Taiwan) have to do to their CDs to make you part with your money. The packaging is HUGE, they give you VCDs, DVDs, Posters, T-shirts etc. This makes it impossible to store them in the CD rack. Take a look at your CD rack, more CDs NOT on the rack than you would have liked? And i mean whats up with all that freebies?! What happened to the days when we all we hoped for when buying a CD were the lyrics? i noticed that Cindi Wang Xin Ling's CD comes with 1.Posters 2.VCD to teach you the freaking dance steps! 3.Music Videos and of cos not forgeting the CD itself, phew almost left that one out. In the end, all that stuff, is just collecting dust, worse of all, it's collecting dust NOT ON your beloved CD rack. CD rack makers take note.

Remembered this stupid joke i came up with some time ago and i thought i'd decrease your IQ for abit. Million dollar question, What is Capital of Taiwan? Choices : 1) Tai-two, 2)Tai-pu-sum, 3)Tai-land 4)Taipei. (I thought of the choices myself yah, rough idea how free i really am)
Why is it that during Miss Universe, Miss Taiwan has to be introduced as "Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Chinese Taipei!"? It's just a beauty contest, give it a rest will ya! Neither of them (Miss People's Republic of China or Miss Taiwan/Chinese Taipei whatever) are going win it anyway! Why bother?

Read this off someone's blog the other day, thought i'd mention it. The Gahmen actually paid some KNN Ang Mor company to rename and remake Marina Bay. Paid the farkers $400,000 (Thats erm.. two-thirds of "peanuts" if you noticed), and what name did they come up with? (Drum roll.......) Marina Bay! Wat Da Fark! The KuKu Cheows really know how to cheat our money, i pity the tax payers man! I mean, give me that $400 grand, at least i can come up with a better name than that! Bloody kena con-ed like nobody's business man! Spend the $400 grand to upgrade our MRT train doors and poles lah!

Improvements to MRT System

Been observing our nation's transportation system and here are some suggestions i have for SMRT for their train designs.

Doors that swing outwards! Yes! Screw the yellow lines painted on the platform, most of the commuters are colourblind! Colourblind as in they cannot see yellow. Everyday when i take the MRT i sure see some KuKuCheows step over the yellow line and "paste" their face on the door, eyes darting left and right looking for that empty seat, (For Fark's sake! Its rush hour! What seat are you talking about?!?!) and when the sliding door opens, they contort their body like some gymnast and squeeze into the train, causing alot of discomfort for the alighting passengers at the same time of course. Worse of all, when they manage to find a seat, that smug-haha-i-got-seat look on their faces makes me want to slap them only. To deal with these KuKuCheows, i suggest that SMRT modify the train doors so that they swing outwards, but only up to the yellow line, so that people who are actually BEHIND the yellow line dont get hurt AND the alighting passengers actually get to .... well... alight. The sliding doors are just an excuse for the KuKuCheows to get as close to the train as possible before the 10m dash to glory. Imagine their horror when the sons/daughters-of-bitches get hit in the face by the outward-swinging doors. Cue nose-bleed...

If you have noticed, good for you, if not, open your eyes people. Our daughters are all going to end up as professional pole-dancers. Ever take the train and right in front of you there is this kid doing her "provocative dance routine" at the metal pole while her parents look on with pride? Feel like buying her a drink? Feel like asking for a complementary lap-dance? Feel like stuffing $2 into her PowerPuff Girls undies? Or feel like vomiting? I suggest that the poles should have a VERY VERY rough surface so that people who need a grip actually get a grip, and kids doing their dance/merry-go-round thing get blisters! That will make them rethink their career decision.

If anyone, i mean anyone from SMRT or the Ministry of Trains reads this, please carefully consider my suggestions, btw, i charge for my ideas...

Read and forget!

Seems like everyone is jumping on the block... oops i mean blogging bandwagon and i have been hearing so much about it and after reading an extremely vulgar but funny blog, i decided to give this blogging business a try.

Don't worry, i hopefully won't bore your brains out by telling you what i had for breakfast, lunch and dinner or the usual "I-friend-you-you-friend-me-love-here-love-there-koreandrama" stuff. I think people who do that should honestly get a life.. or call their blog "imsoboreditellyouwhatihadforlunch.blogspot.com" or "whyinogirlfriend.blogspot.com". And i wouldn't be stupid enough to reveal ALL my true feelings here so people like YOU can gossip about it. So if you read blogs for the above mentioned reasons, leave now, this is no place for you.

(Hey you managed to stay on! Thanks)Next i want to apologise for my total lack of blogging technique/knowledge/expertise whatever! so this might look like its done by some retard after it's published (no picture, no music, no fancy stuff, jus look like some MS word Doc). And im chinese so dont expect my engrish to be like those Kim-Chio-Kia's or Chiak-Kan-Tang's who type powderful engrish that they themselves have problems understooding. I dont do poems, i dont do tricks and hopefully i dont have to insult people or engage in some war of words here. Hey, if you dont like what i say or think, simple, dont read it, i never put a gun to your head and force you to read my crap. To people who actually do, please feel free to give me some comments.

Lets do some song recommendations, as you all might know i love singing, my musical taste might be slightly funny but i think these are really nice songs that not alot of people know of, get hold of them if you can....

Li Sheng Jie - Bu Gu Yi Qie De Ai (Thanks Zhao)
Ling Zhi Xuan - Shuo Bu Chu De Gao Bie (Unspeakable Farewell)
Fan Yi Cheng - Ai Qing Chen Shi (Love Formula)

These guys deserve a pat on the back for their singing ability.

Wow, without feeling it i already wrote quite abit... this blogging thing is rather addictive i must agree... spooky. Guess i will change my opinion about people who blog like nobody's business are really too free, gay or looking to get their face on The Newpaper or Wan Bao cos they posted some FHM/Maxim style photo of themselves on their blogs for the lao-ti-ko excessive compulsive masturbaters to have a field-day. The things people are willing to do nowsadays for their 15mins of fame. What's up with these people?! tsk tsk tsk...