Hand-Drawn Designs!

Characters:
FGF = Friend's GirlFriend;
Me = Me

Me: "Nice shoes 'Ka, limited edition designs?"

FGF: "These? I designed and drew them myself."

Me: "What the fuck!? Serious?"

FGF: "Yeah, you just buy a pair of canvas shoes and I will draw the designs."

Note: All the designs below are HAND-DRAWN! Check out the intricate and elaborate designs on these babies!

How Often Do You See Your Name On Your Shoe? Unless Your Name Is Bata!

Someone Bring Me The Barcode Scanner!

Nice!

Show Me Some Tongue Baby!
Another Note: Talent needs support, and I'm not refering to spiritual support. If you would like to get your hands on your very own pair, feel free to contact me. We will work out the finer details as we go along. Thanks.

Lonelyville Application

LONELYVILLE
Application Form

1. Name: _______________ Age: ______________

2. Status:

□ Single [Please Proceed to Question 3]

□ In a Relationship [Please Proceed to Question 9!]

□ It’s Complicated [Make Up Your Mind, Try Question 5!]

3. Reasons for Answer in Question 2
□ I’m Plain Fucking Ugly
□ Was Ditched
□ Was a Bastard to Someone Nice / Did a “Shawn”
□ Others: __________________

4. How long do you plan to stay in Lonelyville?
□ Until “THE ONE” comes along
□ Until I Get Plastic Surgery
□ Until They Find Osama Bin Laden
□ 4-Ever n Ever!

5. Who would you vote for as President of Lonelyville?
□ Shawn Yap Tian Leong
□ Santa Claus

6. What is your opinion on a place like Lonelyville?
□ It Rocks!
□ It Stinks!
□ It Provides a Home for Broken Hearts
□ What is an Opinion?

7. What are you willing to sell to be a citizen of Lonelyville?
□ My Backside
□ My Soul
□ My Entire Collection of 5566 CDs
□ My Personal Porn Library

8. In NO MORE THAN 10 words, tell us why you should be a Lonelyvillian?
____________________________________________________________

9. There is no Question 9, in fact, you just wasted your time, my time and killed an innocent tree by declaring your status as “In a Relationship”. As your punishment, you shall be dragged out, shot in the head, and buried next to the cretins who blog about their mundane daily activities whom happen to be buried next to the morons who leave brainless comments on other blogs. Have a nice life, thank you.

How to lie

To all the potential compulsive liars out there, here's a little nugget of wisedom.

"Before telling a lie, you must first convince yourself that what you are going to say is the truth"

But first, you must figure out whether or not i'm speaking the truth...

Da Tower of Power?

This happened last year, had problems with the old shitty Friendster blog so i shelved this entry up till now. Ladies and Gentlemen, i give you, "Da Tower of Power"! Enjoy...

A Japanese customer of ours decided to bring his female companion, who was spending her last day in Singapore, to experience the sights and sounds of Orchard Tower. I was totally against it as i felt "Da Tower of Power" only gives power to "Da Ang Mors". Plus what's the point of spending money to see girls who used to be guys? Worst of all some of these "Half-Vegetables" are so ugly you can't look them in the face.

Being the obedient and hardworking employee that i am, i offered to clean up and close the pub while my Bosses accompany our Ex-Oppressors to Orchard Tower. Actually this was my trick to avoid going together with them but things don't always go as well as you plan them, so i ended up at Crazy Horse after i closed up.

Before i actually went into Orchard Tower, i paid a visit to my previous workplace as i found out my previous manager had decided to quit and it was his last day. Talk about coincidence! My first day at Crazy Horse = His last day at work.

The very first thought that came into my mind as i entered the Tower was "How can there be so many males squeezed into the same building at this ungodly hour?" I mean, 99% of the patrons are male and the "Lady-Boys" used to be males. Not much different from an army camp if you think about it. Thing is I’ve always thought of Orchard Tower as a place for the Ang Mors, wrong place for a Chinese brother to be man. An article in the papers quite some time ago reported that the “Lady-Boys” preferred the Foreign Talents because they were less demanding and more generous. The local boys were described as “Want cheap, want fresh, want big breast”.

I entered “Siao Beh” and true enough, no one even bothered to look at me, let alone serve me. I scanned the area and noticed that all the Foreign Talents had at least one, if not two companions by their side and some serious hanky panky was going on, but in the corner I noticed a table with 3 local brothers. Guess what? It was a good half hour before ONE of them got to “examine the goods”.

We couldn’t stand the place and nobody wanted to earn our money so our Japanese friend suggested we go to another joint. Reluctantly, we took the escalator down a level and entered another club called Club Romeo. This was a much nicer place and the “Lady-Boys” were of a substantially higher quality. As I once again scanned the area, I realized that once again, the Foreign Talents were well taken care of with a healthy ratio of about 2 : 1, and right at the very corner, guess what? A table with 3 local brothers! They seem to be enjoying the eye candy but I don’t see any “Lady-Boys” approaching them although there were more than enough to go around. The “Lady-Boys” would rather dance at the podium or just sit down and stone!

After a couple of beers my bladder decided that it was time, i got out thru the rear exit and guess who i saw? The "last day" manager! Drinking red wine with his buddy in what looked like a beauty salon. After finishing the beer, we decided that it was time to go home so we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

Conclusion, Da Tower of Power is no place for a Chinese Brother like me...

Welcome...

Welcome to Lonelyville Mr. Yap...

Population : You

Enjoy your stay...

Shut your cunt SLUT!

Was pretty bored one evening after dinner and was channel surfing when i came across this local short film thingy which i presumed belonged to some Project Pilot list of finalists or something. Anyways, i don't give a shit about the source cos what i saw totally made me want to puke out the unpolished rice (Yah, Joy?!) i had an hour ago.

(Topic of the day, LOVE)

Interviewer: "So what do you think about Singaporean men?"

SLUT: "Erm... Singaporean men? Erm... never had much contact with them.... MCP? Hahaha..."

Eh, you Stupid Lame Ugly Tart(S.L.U.T.), thanks leh, just one Chee Bye statement from you and suddenly all of us become a fucking bunch of swine. How could you label us as MCPs when you claim that you've never had much contact with us? Take your Chee Bye bamboo and go and hang your Chee Bye clothes lah, don't use it to whack our Chee Bye boat! You can go hang yourself also, after your clothes dry!

Thanks SLUT...

Floating Bucket of Poultry

This is for anyone who has caught the new commercial for a certain food retailer selling poultry cooked in oil.

Basically the commercial starts with a family trying to board a lift, with the Dad carrying 2 buckets of bird, and everyone else empty-handed. Lift door opens, the entire family, like typical Singaporeans, pack themselves in like sardines, leaving just enough space for Dad and his buckets. As Dad enters (The lift you sicko! Not Mum!), the lift buzzer sounds and Dad duely backs out of the lift without checking his blindspot (If knock into Lao Ah Ma how?!). Then the moment of magic, Dad lets go of his right hand, and points to the ceiling! The bucket magically floats in mid-air while Dad is doing all that!

Dad must have asked for all wings...

Don't Lie...

The Black Eyed Peas song keeps playing back and forth in my head...
Gorgeous Fergie goes... "No, no, no, no! Baby no, no, no, no! Don't lie..."

A friend of mine recently admitted that he has been blatantly lying to his girlfriend about his whereabouts because he feels she's a tad too "sticky". By my own judgment, i feel the girl is taking the term "being together" to never-before-seen levels and i pity my poor friend for his apparent suffering. Then again maybe not.

I totally disagree with the practice of "meeting for the sake of meeting" and i feel that people who do that are abso-freaking-lute morons but hey, haven't we all been through that phase in our life before? You know, when you are so head-over-heels in love with someone that all you ever wanted to do was to spend time with them, regardless of what you do when you are together. I mean i'm talking about teens here yah.

Okay, back to the topic, i can understand if people lie about their location or who they are with because they want to hide from their over-zealous partners but please don't drag your friends into this little white lie of yours. Here's an example...

Over-zealous partner: "Hello. Where you? Wana meet?" (Poor English Inherent From Source)

White Liar: "Erm.. i'm at Insert Location with Insert Buddy's Name"

Over-zealous partner: "Huh, i thought you end at nine?"

White Liar: "Oh, Insert Buddy's Name got some problems, needs companion."

Over-zealous partner: "I go there meet you?"

White Liar: "Better not..."

Over-zealous partner: "Really ah? Orh..."

Over-zealous finally hangs up after confirming for the 18th time that it was REALLY not convenient for them to meet. White Liar heaves a heavy sigh of relief, and proceeds to watch a movie with Buddy. Mind you, this is not an affair, White Liar and Buddy same gender, White Liar is definitely not gay, thou i can't confirm Buddy's sexual preference.

Next day, a guilt stricken White Liar tells everyone that he has been lying to Over-zealous, and not for the first time. Everyone condemns White Liar and says that he's going to hell, everyone except me of course. Being the mature guy that i am, i didn't condemn him straight away, instead i fucked him upside down for dragging his Buddy into the picture.

"You want to die go die alone lah! If this continues, Over-zealous will end up hating all your friends. Today you lie about being with Buddy, tomorrow it will be Brudder, day after is Ah-Bang, until you finally use up all your friends' names and you are forced to recycle! What will Over-zealous think of your friends then?"

Make sense? Oh God i'm one self-righteous dude...

And A Happy New Year To You!

So another year has gone by and thankfully i got to celebrate it with a good bunch of friends, we ate, drank, watched , played charades and X-Box. As usual everybody's mobiles were going off like crazy with well-wishes as we approached midnight. At about elevenish, i got a call from my dear friend's wife...

Mama Bear: "Yap, where are you?"

Yapster: "Oh, i'm at a friend's place."

Mama Bear: "We are at the 'Ul-Li-Tan-To' pub beside MoMo, what time are you coming?"

Yapster: "Erm... who is there?"

Mama Bear: "Oh, Terence and Wendy, Elson and Yvonne, Collin and Evin, Bear and me..."

Yapster: "Haha.. All couples, ok ok..."

Mama Bear: "Yeah, it's Couples Night, so we need someone to come and 1. Make the number odd, 2. Entertain us, 3. Allow us to poke fun at your singlehood."

The rest of the conversation became a blur to me but i vaguely remember saying that i was too underdressed* for partying. For once, i was quietly thankful for my choice of dress code.

*T-shirt, Bermudas and Slippers, very Un-MoMo.

Note: This post does not imply that the writer is a despo or is dying to commit into a relationship.