Thursday, March 23, 2006

Have you ever?

How many of you people have ever been in the situation whereby you follow instructions you kena fuck because you are an 'order taker' who can't think out of the box, when you try to be creative and think out of the box you kena fuck twice as hard again because you cannot follow simple instructions?

It's like asking you to choose between jumping off a 100 storey building and jumping off a 50 storey building, twice.

And which fucking idiot came up with this stupid 'think out of the box' phrase? Who says thinking has to be associated with boxes anyway? I suppose that moron left his/her brain in a box while coming up with that phrase!

Now can someone think out of the box and give me a more logical phrase...

Boss Say "Jump!", I Ask "How High?"

One day you want results, next day you want quality, after that you want volume. You can say? I can do!

This morning i was threatened. It left a sick taste in my mouth but to cover my arse i will not blog about it until the 12th of May.

Anyways today, an angry Yapster managed more than 90 calls and generated 3 leads that were of good quality. Extremely good quality i might add.

Lead 1 : "You called at the right time! We were just looking for an alarm system..."

Lead 2 : "Yeah i know, $1 a day right? Get someone to come down between 3.30 to 4.30..."

Lead 3 : "We have 6 separate warehouses of about 33,000sq meters..."

If all these 3 leads turn into closed sales, i would have easily made more than $10,000 for the company. i still have about 28 more leads that are pending, amongst them more than half of which i feel pretty good about.

i think i'm a decent employee, for FUCK'S SAKE I KNOW I'M A DECENT EMPLOYEE! Yes i like to complain alot but i fucking get the job done. That makes me so much better than some people, whose combined effort today barely equals what i managed. So stop playing that old army trick on me where you point to one tree, ask me to run and touch that tree, then when i run back you tell me that it was the wrong tree. And you threaten to confine me for the weekend because i touched the wrong tree.

i agree that employees must be put under some form of pressure before they can achieve their full potential. Some are more receptive to it, some need a firmer shove while others just crumble. But why threaten? All i want is to get thru this and at the end feel good about it because i made money for the company. Yes, yes go ahead and call me a soft, narrow-minded pussy. i know that this treatment is to prepare me for the REAL WORLD out there. So tell me, what makes YOUR WORLD so special that it's different from mine?

Think about it while i try to get that bitter taste out of my mouth...

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Classic Conversations

People, after reading this, i sincerely hope you treat Telesales Agents with more respect next time. Even if you really don't want that security system, or that insurance plan, or even that pre-approved credit card, just refuse nicely. Don't scream at them, fuck them or slam the phone.

Here are some of the calls i've come across...

YYY: "Hello Mr. XXX, this is YYY calling from AD..."

XXX: "Not interested! *cluck* ddduuuuuuuuuu........"

YYY: "...T security services ..."

Haven't even say finish company name kena Kup Tien Weah, customer was a fucking DOCTOR ok! Guess your PHD never included manners.


RRR: "Hello, this is RRR calling from ADT security services, can i speak to the person in charge of the security aspects of your company?"

XXX: "Security? We got fire extinguishers! *cluck* ddduuuuuuuuu........"

Yeah, your Chee Bye fire extinguishers can sound the alarm and spray foam at intruders plus call the Police for you! Where you buy from? Help me buy 2 put my house.

Imagine kena have to do this everyday. Then followed by "kena fuck by your customers, then kena fuck by your supervisor, then kena fuck by your manager, go home still kena fuck by your mother", PLUS the Roti Prata Treatment. How liddat?!?!

Finally! The "Team Talk"!

After 2 weeks of "cold-calling" customers our team leader decided to give us the much awaited team talk. I personally refuse to admit that we can be considered a "team" because sitting at a cubicle the entire day making phone calls, getting fucked left-right-center and pretending to work isn't what i would call a sport (Reference Alex Blagg).

Basically the content of his speech was the usual motivational stuff but my favourite part was when he said, "... i know it is tough ... blah blah blah ... kena fuck by your customers, after that kena fuck by your supervisor, after that kena fuck by your manager, go home still kena fuck by your mother ..." Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant i tell you! "... you have to know your own hit rate! If you have to call 100 to generate 1 lead, then do it! If you have to call 200 to generate 1 lead, you know you gotta call twice as many times ..."

I personally have one of the better conversion ratios but YET ANOTHER ROTI PRATA maneuver caused me to fall unceremoniously from grace. For the past 10 days, i was on a pretty healthy streak of about 3-4 leads with less than 60 phone calls made daily. I achieve this by carefully screening the list i'm given and giving priority to the leads which i feel have a better chance of closing. Suddenly i was told, "I don't care about the numbers on the board, in the end we look at your call volume, a healthy call volume is about 80 to 120 calls a day, it determines whether you pass or fail." I was stunned! So i thought to myself, "Chee Bye! I could be top sales agent among the attachment students and still fail this IPP! Nah Beh, anyhow call lah! Just hit 80 can liao, sure can generate more than 4 a day."

Ladies and Gentlemen, for the pass 2 days, Yap generated a grand total of ZERO leads. The drop is amazing, in my first 10 days, i generated 32 leads. For the past 2 days, kosong! Best of all, today i kena call one existing customer who wants additional items, this kind of case cannot add to my tally, don't know can claim or not, and waste 15 minutes of my time! Kan Nin Nah is like step on shit already still take the shit and smear on the face! AND all this time i was thinking to myself that as long as it's a sale it will benefit the company (and one lucky Resale Agent), apparently not everyone thinks the same although they all seem to SAY the same. Looks like another case of Chwee Kong Lam Par Song (Mouth Talk, Testicles Refresh).

Already i'm beginning to lose my patience with SOME PEOPLE but i don't want to talk about it now. When i don't have to see them anymore i will eventually blog about it. In the meantime, i'm frying a big pan of cuttlefish and looking for people to serve it to...

Saturday, March 11, 2006

One Egg, One Kosong & One Teh'O Peng!

No, this post is not about my visit to a prata shop, instead it is about what i promised you people. For safety reasons, i will not mention names but i'm sure you people know who i'm talking about, especially after my ceaseless ranting about You-Know-What.

"Why the prata-themed title?" you may ask... Let me elaborate...

Question: "When you make prata, what do you do to it? "
Answer : "Flip! Or Peng in Hockkien."

Recently i got to know someone who can make all the Prata-Men at Jalan Kayu look like retards. His/her ability to "Peng Lai Peng Ker"(flip here flip there) is simply out of this world. One moment the emphasis is "Quantity! Come on people! More!", next day, "Accountability, people, you must be accountable!", next day, "Quality, i want quality, i don't care about numbers!". Hey i totally understand the importance of all 3 elements in the workplace so if you want them ALL, pay me $10k a month, if not, pick one and shut up.

Next is the something called the quota, the number of times it changes is simply scary and very demoralizing. The best way to describe it is (Ahem, here comes the vulgar), like Chee Bye kena DB, DB by the way is Detention Barracks, which is the Army's version of prison. In army when you do some Lan Chiao Dai Zhee like masterbate in toilet or what you will kena thrown into DB. The punishment inside is to carry the Nao Hia sandbag and Chee Bye run in circles like a cock-a-nathan.

Officer :"Eh Chee Bye, take the sandbag and fill it with sand!"

Detainee :"Sir, how much sand?"

Officer :"Up to you lah Chee Bye! Finish already run round the field!"

Detainee :"Sir, how many rounds?"

Officer :"Until i tell you to stop lah Chee Bye!"

The poor fucking detainee also blur like fuck, if he Kheng and put abit abit the sand only he sure kena Kan Kar Chng by the officer, if he put too much his back will break. If he run slowly to conserve energy he will Kum the officer's Lan Chiao, if run too fast he See. Talk about rocks and hard surfaces.

Best of all, after running for 50 rounds with a FULL sandbag, the officer tells the detainee that one day actually must run 100 rounds with half sandbag. So the other 50 rounds he bring over to tomorrow. Which means 150 rounds the next day! The detainee next day super Pia and while he was completing his 150th round, the officer use loudhailer to tell him that today his DB Buddy on MC and he must help his buddy run his 100 rounds. If cannot finish then bring over to next day, which means 300 rounds for 2 people. The officer then proceeds to tell the detainee that his buddy got 3 days MC. Understand what i'm trying to say?

My favourite part is, on top of all that, what he/she expects all of us to do can only be described as an ugly prostitute with STD who approaches customers for sex, naturally she will be refused right? But nevermind, after kena fucked (verbally of course) by the customer, she still dare to ask the customer if his friends would like to screw her! Piang eh! Vomit blood ah!

Someone pass me a tenderizer, cos i really need to tender...

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Excuse Me, I Want To Complain

Crap! Just my luck i tell you. Me and my freaking big mouth, make me suck my own thumb time and again! Remember how i was teaching you people how to deal with telesales people? Guess what i kena for my attachment. Ta Ma De!

Day in day out im whoring myself like some 1900 phone sex bitch trying to get people to grant my sales guys an appointment. You can't begin to imagine how unrewarding this job is i tell you. If i've felt any shitty-er i would BE a pile of shit.

"Wu Eia Mm Si Lang Zho Eh!" (有影不是人做的/Got shadow is not human do one) is what i hear everyday from my poor seniors. There used to be more than 10 of them, now? 3 are left, and there are 5 of us on attachment. For fuck's sake there are more attachment students than full-time staff!

This kind of job should have been outsourced to THAT COUNTRY years ago! Yes i agree that "the money is in sales" but this is NOT FUCKING SALES! It's a sorry excuse for phone prostitution! We beg customers to, listen carefully people, ALLOW OUR SALES PEOPLE TO CALL THEM AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT! Sales close? The sales guys get the commission, while our team gets peanuts (this peanuts not the NFK kind).

What? Don't understand? Ok, picture this... Let Salesman = Hunter, Telesales Agent = Safari Guide. The poor Safari Guide have to Chee Bye go and and find the Chee Bye lion and in the process kena bitten by some Chee Bye snakes and stung by some Chee Bye insects and step on some Kan Pua Ji Teh Chao zebra shit before finally spotting the lion.

Then after finding for half a day, the Chee Bye Safari Guide have to Kan Nin Nah ask the lion to "Please hor, don't move hor, i get my Hunter to come shoot you ok?" If you lucky, the lion Nao Hia hear what you say also become blur, Gong Gong wait for the Hunter to come shoot. If the Chee Bye lion realise you trying to snook him, he will rip off your Lum Par.

Not say the sales people are incompetent ok! I think they are great, because hunters must also everyday "Gunner Strip Rifle! Assemble Rifle! One Minute Hurry Up!" and practise I.A. drill. Not easy one i tell you. So i respect them because that is REAL SALES.

My one the Safari Guide Kang Tao is like some pussy sales lah. Chiong one, like the Hello Kitty you buy from Pasar Malam, Kan Nin Nah got mouth one! Hello Kitty where got mouth!?

Nah Beh, talk about Hello Kitty make me more the angry. I will tell you why in the next post. Watch this space...