Of My Luv For Singapore Idol

If you haven't been living in a cave for the past week, i'm sure you would have come across the names "Kung Fu Rapper", "Mirror Boy" and "Nong Nong Ago"... Remember these 3 names, for they are going to become "household-ed" very soon...

Yes, yes, i know i'm in no position to talk about this issue for the fact that i might be labelled a first class sour-grape, but hey, BITE ME!

Yes, yes, i know that featuring these jokers, i mean, contestants, is to increase the competition's marketability, and the fact that we all need a good laugh sometimes.

But how many of you know that these jokers actually MADE IT THRU THE FIRST ROUND OF AUDITIONS? Yep, these people actually made it through the first round of auditions, which are judged by producers instead of the 4 judges. Bet you didn't know that right? Correct me if i'm wrong, that means "Silent Whisper Man" made it through TWO first round auditions! And what do the judges tell him?

"Don't ever come back again!"

If he was that bad in the first place, why did the producers give him the thumbs-up not once, but twice? Is this some kind of sick joke? Or a lame attempt at improving the ratings? You tell me.

What about "Banana Man"? He was such a hit during the first round of auditions and everyone loved him! But i'm sure it was Ken Lim who told him to "Take off your mask or leave". What's the point there? It's like setting an accused free and shooting the poor bastard outside the courthouse.

From the trailers (I will not be caught dead watching the so-called "auditions"), i believe that Kung Fu Rapper actually tried to do a Chinese rap song by Jay Chow. Mirror Boy tried to do, i actually don't know what he was trying to do but after he was eliminated from the auditions, he fell head first before reaching the exit. Lastly, Nong Nong Ago was this guy who could not pronounce "Long Long Ago" properly.

I mean, how low do we have to go? Why can't we have a proper singing competition that does not involve clowns? I understand that entertainment value is very important but there must be a better way to do it. Take American Idol for example, the jokers are weeded out during the first round of auditions but not before they are allowed their 15 seconds of fame.

Just to sum up, i believe last year's winner released ONE album, and was last seen doing some "extravagant music" thingy while sucking soda out of a rather large, red, disposable cup. Second place fella released a CHINESE album and was last seen playing "Canon in D" at a charity show. As for the third place fella, we are beginning to see less and less of her, all thanks to the weight loss program.

In stark contrast, Project Superstar winner has released an album, and will be performing at his own concert later this year. Runner up also has an album out in the stores, plus a re-issue which includes her new single. Third place has released his first single, and the album is already in the pipeline. As for fourth place, he has already signed for a record company even though he is still serving his NS!

I rest my case.

What kind of dumpster are you?

This matter crossed my mind recently. I know it's abit, erm... okay, VERY Bo Liao to be noticing other people's shitting habits but i find it rather interesting. I've come up with a few categories below, see if you fit into anyone of them, or feel free to add to my observations. Note : Restricted to public toilets, i don't care what you do in the privacy of your own home.

1. The Paranoid Shitters
This kind of people make every effort to ensure the cleaniness of the toilet bowl before they are willing to sit their asses on the toilet seat. They will inspect all the available cubicles, select the cleanest possible one, use half a roll of toilet paper to wipe the toilet seat, use the remaining half to "line" the toilet seat, and when they are done, they wipe their jade asses with their ultra-soft toilet paper which they bring along themselves.

2. The Squatters
Disgusted with the sheer condition of the toilet seats in some public toilets, the Squatters simply refuse to contaminate their bacteria-free asses by sitting on the toilet seats. They resort to squatting on the toilet seats instead, knowingly running the risk that they might lose their footing and fall to a stinky death. Although their courage and balancing skills are admirable, their intelligence leaves alot to be desired.

3. The Bo Chups
Also called the "Buay Pai Seahs", these people literally announce their presence in the toilet by "letting it rip" there and then. They play their Symphony Le Fart at volumes which allows you to appreciate the quality of the acoutics of our public toilets. Of course the fragrance that follows the performance deserves a mention as well.

Please feel free to contribute.

Shitting Face-Off

Happened to me while i was taking a morning dump at the office toilet after breakfast. As i'm the kind of person who would prefer to go about my "business" in complete privacy, i chose the corner cubicle.

For the next 3 - 5 minutes nobody entered the toilet, I was almost done when someone entered and decided to use the cubicle next to mine.

"Damn!" i thought, "Can't i finish in peace?"

Now we all know that there are gaps below the walls that separate most public toilets cubicles, yes? Well, this particular guy wears his Photo ID access card on the left side of his pants, so as he dropped his pants and sat down, there was his "face" staring straight at me thru the gap!

"WTF! Can that be considered as peeping?"

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. All i remember was if you rearrange his initials, they spell "YSL"...

1 vulgar, 1 dollar!

The Captain has just implemented a new rule.

"A fine of S$1.oo will be imposed on anyone who uses explicit language during office hours (Inclusive of lunchtime)"

Well done, now the already fucked up mood in the department will be made worse. At a time when Agents are supposed to support and motivate one another, we are turning against each other as we try our best to agitate others into using explicits. The atmosphere is tense and as a sign of protest, i simply refuse to talk. I'm not encouraging the use of impolite language in the office hours but in our situation, sometimes we really need to blow off abit of steam after encountering a shitty prospect. It's not like we scream it out at the top of our voices, we usually just utter it without even realising it. Best of all, lunchtime also cannot use vulgarities. How like that?

4 working days left, i hope i don't get 整死 before i leave the God forsaken place.

10 Signs

Got this off MSN, for the benefit of the ladies, i will attempt to answer them as honestly as possible.

1. Is your date kind, respectful and appropriately generous to waiters/waitresses, bus drivers, sales clerks, etc?
- I'm exceptionally kind, especially to service staff. It's because i used to be in the industry and i know exactly what they are going thru.

2. Has your sweetie confessed to any immoral behavior: Cheating, stealing, lying, inappropriate aggression? If so, how much reflection on this and desire to change has this person shown since then?
- I've always told people i'm not the perfect human being, but hey, who is?

3. Does the person you’re dating have any addictions: Drinking, gambling, shopping? Does he or she want to change—and is he or she working to make change happen?
- Drinking seems to be my biggest problem, and singing of course.

4. Does your honey have a lot of lasting friendships—or hardly any?
- Yeah you can say that my friendships are pretty long lasting. But i'm guilty of being extremely lazy and anti-social when it comes to class gatherings.

5. Does your date always tell stories about bad dynamics he or she experiences with other people? Or does he or she seem to get along easily, even swimmingly, with others?
- At the present moment, i only have ONE enemy whom i bitch about everyday. The rest of the time i have decent human skills.

6. Does your sweetie comment on news stories with a sense of empathy and awareness, or is he or she low on expressing compassion for all that is going on in this world?
- If the topic is of a certain importance to me or something i feel strongly about i will tend to be more aware, else i can be rather detached sometimes.

7. Have you witnessed your date doing small acts of kindness (leaving a very big tip for no apparent reason, helping someone with his or her shopping bags)?
- If i do that, i'm most probably trying to impress someone special. I'm what you can describe as an "intentional" person.

8. Does this person donate time, money and energy to good causes/charity?
- I do, honestly. Just not a lot.

9. Does your honey value self-growth—and show this by being open to hearing your grievances, accepting responsibility for problems when merited, and sharing with you how much he or she values learning lessons in life?
- One word, Yes.

10. Does your sweetie truly value open communication and know how to listen? When you’re upset or need nurturing, does this person deal with the problem at the speed of life... or shut down/stonewall/attack/condescend?
- I will listen to you as long as you listen to me.

Burgers and Fries

I'm sick, physically sick with a bad throat and my wisdom tooth is not helping. I missed the interview at HP because of that (Beng, my apologies). I'm also sick of the things that happened this crappy week. Wednesday in particular was a classic shitty day at work. Here's what happened.

Captain, for whatever reason, decided to challenge us again. She looked at Tueday's figures and decided that each of us should generate 3 leads before lunch. Pity no one reminded her that Tuesday's figures were a direct result of the "roll-over" from Monday, which was a holiday! Incoming calls and enquiries from the past 3 days (Saturday to Monday) were sitting in the email, waiting to be churned out.

No need to ask how many Yap generated before lunch, i'm sure you all would have guessed correctly, and said zero. Yep, a big fat blank space on the box beside my name on the white board. After lunch, i went back to the office and waited till 2pm to call what i would consider the most potential prospect on my list that day. By 2.15pm, Bingo, i've got him hooked. So off i went, lead in hand, with great relief, to the Captain's quarters to ask who i should forward the lead to. Of course i do not expect to be praised for generating a lead, for the simple fact that it is my job, but instead i was lectured for what was termed as doing, quote, "not our core business". Let me explain it to you using my favourite method.

(At a fast food joint)
Counter Boy: "Welcome to Assholes Dine Together, any of the set meals for you Sir?"

Customer: "Hm... i'l just have a regular fries, already ate something earlier."

Counter Boy: "Okay Sir. One regular fries!"

Boss: "Eh Counter Boy! Recently you all have been selling a lot of fries! Why no burgers? Fries is not our core business!"

Counter Boy: "Erm..." (Proceeds to suck his own thumb cos he got nothing to say)

I mean i know what i'm suppose to do, but when a prospect expresses his interest in a certain kind of product, wouldn't a normal salesperson zoom in on that particular area, and then try to cross-sell other products later? No? Yes? If the bugger wants fries then give him the fries right? If your fries are good, most probably he's going to come back for your burgers. Right? Wrong? Nevermind, we move on.

15 minutes, and one phonecall later, i got another prospect asking for fries. "Great" i thought to myself, "Another chance to get insulted for doing my job". I held on to the lead for a good 10 minutes, thinking whether i should just chuck it aside. But the desire to whore myself overcame me because i didn't want to end up with just ONE lead a day. So, Yap went to the Captain with a heavy heart.

Boss: "Fries again?"

Counter Boy: "Yeah, and he wants it now." (In his most innocent voice)

Boss: "What about burgers? Didn't you ask?"

Counter Boy: "I did, he didn't want any."

Boss: "Didn't you tell him that our burgers are the best in town? He'll surely want one!"

Counter Boy: "He told me he just wants fries, now."

Once again, prostitute Yap manages to get his intelligence insulted and his self-esteem shattered. Applause please. I was so disillusioned that i mistook one salesperson for the other and sent the lead to the wrong email address. Blur me also called the salesperson by the wrong name, and gave him the details while sending the email to a different address. After i was fucked once for sending it to the wrong salesperson, i was fucked again for redirecting the email to the correct salesperson because i didn't "keep someone in the loop". Imagine, being abused 3 times for generating 1 lead...

To put the cherry on top of the icing on top of the cake, the salesperson went and closed the deal. All within 4 hours of my phonecall! Prospect initially asked for 2 - 3 CCTV camera points to monitor his staff and over the phone, he came across as someone who was on a tight budget as he kept asking about the price. In the end, our dear friend signed for 6 CCTV camera points and a DVR recorder for almost $4,000! That's like adding salted insult to my injuries!

Up to date i generated 11 closed sales leads and made more than $15,000 IN PROFITS, NOT GROSS REVENUE, for the company. If insulting my abilities and intelligence isn't enough, it has also just been confirmed that i will not be getting the $550 ($50 x 11) in commission. Thus once again my dear readers, i would like to say, Kan Nin Lao Bu Eh Chao Chee Bye!