What's wrong with you?

'A man in his 50's uses his CPF savings to keep a mistress who is a local student and 30 years his junior...'
Uncle! What's wrong with you? CPF is meant for the "Dragon Ladies"! The lil'bitch has her own CPF account, sad thing is you won't be around when she's old enough to use it.

'Elderly man in his 60's blows his entire life savings in Batam...'
Uncle! What's wrong with you? THEY are suppose to blow YOU, not the other way round! Stop lying to your wife that you are in Batam to pray at the temple, with the amount you spent there, you can OWN the temple.

Uncle? What doing you?

Last week he did it, but i forgot to blog about it, today he did it AGAIN, so i die die must talk about it.

To get to hell, i mean, work everyday, i need to take SBS feeder service 268. What this particular bus driver did can only be described as "nutty yet logical". You see, halfway thru the journey, the bus will have to make a right turn at a T-junction before entering AMK Ind Pk II. The annoying thing about this is that the traffic lights always favours the vehicles travelling straight along this junction and the wait for the green light is a rather lengthy one.

BUT this Uncle very smart, for 2 times the bus he was driving arrived at the junction just as the lights turned red. So what does he do? Simple.

Step 1 : Open the boarding door on his left.

Step 2 : Leave his seat and alights from the boarding door.

Step 3 : Walk to the traffic light.

Step 4 : Press the button which the pedestrians use when they want to cross the road.

Step 5 : Return to driving position.

And presto! Within 15 seconds the light turns green, along with the "green man", but nobody is crossing the road! Brilliant! Uncle should go write a book on driving.

For those with weak imagination

Classic Conversations II

Telephone conversations that are out of this world...

Agent :"... alright Mr. Wong, i will get my security advisors to give you a call regarding this issue, if you don't mind Mr. Wong, can i have your full name or initials?"

Wong :"Okay..."

Agent :"Okay Mr. Wong, your initials are?" (Ready with pen and paper)

Wong :"Okay..."

Agent :"... erm Mr. Wong, your initials?"

Wong :"O. K. Wong"

Agent :"Orh! Mr. O. K. Wong, okay okay"

Kan Nin Nah damn funny lor! I laugh until flip! Here's another one, luckily this didn't happen to me.

Agent :"Hi good afternoon Sir, this is Agent here speaking, i'm calling from All Die Together and the purpose of my call is to let you know about the promotion ..." (Confidently delivers his well-rehearsed sales pitch)

Moment of silence...

Agent :"What? You want to terminate? Oh okay okay, sorry Sir"

Turns out he called an unsatisfied customer! Today we got this...

Agent :"May i know why you say you don't need a security system?"

Prospect :"Here got more than 10 dogs."

Agent :"???"

God this is a thankless job!

If you want to "die back"

If you want to "die back" to the person who treated you like a slave? Go ahead. I wish you all the best. Please come crawling to me when he beats you like a dog again. It's because as I see you stand there with your bruised body, shattered pride and tearful eyes, I will laugh...







Phew, now that feels better!

I feel like Barrichello...

God, now i realise how Barrichello feels! Barri-who? Rubens Barrichello lah! Former Team Ferrari driver.

Over the past 2 weeks, i learned first-hand how it feels to be treated as second best, ironic, yes? Things didn't go according to plan, and apparently im not going to be top salesman for this internship. "The Captain" has singled out her choice as to whichever Intern has the most potential to generate 100 leads this month (and hopefully be eligible to claim commission) and concentrated all her attention on this Intern.

As in Team Ferrari, once they found out that their number one driver is Schumacher, they fitted him with the better engine, pump Shell V-Power with FMT for him, gave him the fast-like-ninja pit crew, and asked Barrichello give way for him to claim the checkered flag in some races.

Knowing that i can only play second fiddle in this situation, i quietly went about my daily activities, lying low, not drawing any attention to myself whatsoever. "Great!", i thought "No pressure on me to perform, anyways cannot claim commission!"

BUT! Team Ferrari still expects poor Barrichello to get a fucking podium finish! Fuck you understand! Schumacher gets to screw TWO race queens, pop the biggest bottle of champagne, spray the fucking champagne at the TWO race queens, sit in the middle during press conference and choose to answer the fucking questions from the fucking reporters in any fucking language he fucking wants!

Barrichello gets what? Non-alcholic sparking wine, one small "Made in China" trophy, race queen the face like kena run over by F1 car like that and the only fucking reporters don't even want to ask him any fucking questions.

Poor dude, given a KIA engine, pump Shell 92, the pit crew slow like fuck, sometimes still must dismount himself and help during pit stop. How you expect him to finish on the podium?! Don't dream lah!

I generated 40 plus leads this month, 5 of which are already closed. I made good money for the company but i won't be rewarded with the commission i deserve. Yet you still want to "rape" me every other day and expect me to work my ass off for you. No can do. If not for my grade, i would have given up.

It's Thursday, tomorrow is our financial month end, Schumacher has 90 plus leads with a total of 8 sales closed, Barrichello has 40 plus leads, also a total of 8 sales closed. It's going to be a Ferrari One-Two, but guess who will be smiling in the end?

Grow up boy!

What's up with the excessive compulsive possessive boyfriends nowsadays? I've come across some pretty serious cases in the past but the few i've heard of recently really takes things to a whole new level.

In the past, it was...
1. Calling her every 10mins to check on her whereabouts.
2. Calling her friends to check if she was lying about her whereabouts.
3. Demanding to know who she was going out with and where they were going before allowing her to go.

Now?
1. Checking her sms and call records.
2. Not allowing her to have other guy's phone numbers stored in her phone memory.
3. Tag along no matter where she goes or who she is with.
4. Repeatedly ask the same questions over and over again to see if her answer is different.
5. And many other heinous crimes against basic human rights.

Grow up will ya? If you really want to own something so much, get a pet. Boys like you shouldn't be allowed access to the female species. All you morons ever do with your "control freak" attitude is to disillusion the ladies and make the job for nice guys like me so much more difficult.

What? Don't know what "moron" means? Look into a mirror boy!

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse...

Current situation

- Fucked up corporate management

- Always kena gang rape because of other people's mistakes

- Unable to achieve daily quota

- Mounting pressure to match Key Performance Indicators

- Morale is rock bottom

- Pay delayed for more than 2 weeks

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, this announcement was made today.

"Students who do not to generate 100 or more leads a month are not eligible for commission claims. . ."

Kan Nin Lao Bu, Lao Peh, Ah Kong, Ah Mah, Zhor Zong Chup Bueh Dai, Dua Hia, Dua Ji, Sio Beh, See Gin Ah, Pua Chee Bye, Lan Chiao, Neh Neh Pok, Ku Bye, Ku Ku Chiao, Lam Par Ji Tua Sway Liap, Doh Lan Her!
(Loosely translates to "Fuck your mother, father, grandfather, grandmother, ancestors for 18 generations, elder brothers, elder sisters, younger siblings, dead children, torn cunt, penis, breast, bird cunt, bird penis, testicles one big one small, burning penis fire!")

Ahem, pardon me but next time this sort of thing can say earlier? Thanks to this piece of news i officially declare that "LIM PEH SIAN LIAO".

The Story Of A Sinking Ship...

Been meaning to write this post since ages ago but something happened yesterday and i guess it's time to tell you guys about "The sinking ship and the 4 people on board of it".

The Captain
Profile: Although already into the twilight years of her career, this is the first time this person has ever commanded a ship, all thanks to a rather myopic Fleet Admiral who of course by now, has washed her hands clean of her favourite prodigy. The Captain claims to be an expert in every aspect of sailing and never stops boosting about her geographical knowledge. With little experience in actually commanding a ship, the Captain constantly rides on her past accomplishments and using phrases like "During my time" and "I can do" in a vain attempt to convince her crew about her ability. The Captain is always guilty of trying to use corny motivational catch-phrases (the ones with the annoying pictures) to encourage her obviously unamused crew who simply refuse to "buy her shit". Another one of the Captain's pet peeves is to hurl abuses at groups of people for one person's mistake (sometimes the guilty motherfucker isn't even there), an amazing skill and ability which until today, leaves her crew in complete disbelief.
On board because: The Fleet Admiral made a mistake.
Wants to: Find land before the ship sinks or before her entire crew quits, whichever comes first.
But is actually: Going straight to Hell.

The Lieutenant
Profile: Jack-of-all-trades on board the stinking vessel. Although the Lieutenant was drafted on board the ship midway through its journey, he has managed to learn almost everything there is to know about sailing the ship. When the Captain has problems which can't be solved by verbally abusing someone, the Lieutenant steps in and solves it. In other words, he is the one who is actually running the show. Equipped with decent human skills, strategic thinking and a slick tongue, the Lieutenant has managed to create a haven for himself on board. Generally firm and kind hearted in the correct situations but his greatest fault could be his soft-spot for the ladies. Was last seen showing his resume to a couple of female Junior Ensigns and going on about his "New Life".
On board because: He knows he's going to be Captain one day.
Wants to: Be Captain.
But is actually: Looking for a job on other ships.

The 2nd Lieutenant
Profile: On board since Day 1 but feels he's not getting the deserved credit for his contributions to the ship. At the peak of his career, the 2nd Lieutenant was the most productive member on board and was reaping good profits until problems with his personal life messed up his career path. The saddest part was, he was the one who trained the Lieutenant. These unfortunate chain of events sent the 2nd Lieutenant's life straight down the drain. When not drunk, he is usually quarrelling over the phone with the women in his life. The Captain hates him and seizes every single opportunity to launch personal attacks at him. Knowing that he cannot even stand a second more on board the cursed ship, the 2nd Lieutenant expressed his intention to leave and starts looking for a lifejacket. One day after a war of words with the Captain, the 2nd Lieutenant went on deck to get some fresh air, without so much of a warning, the Captain came from behind, gave him a good shove and off the ship went her 2nd Lieutenant.
On board because: Not Applicable.
Wants to: Straighten out his life with a career change.
But is actually: Still trying to get his lifejacket on.

The Ensign
Profile: The joker and entertainer on board. Leaves everyone in stitches with his jokes and crazy antics. Has the ability to diffuse any tense situation created by the Captain and his peers are extremely thankful to him for that. The Ensign has amassed vast experience through years of sailing and has "been there and done that", unfortunately due to his lack of paper qualifications, the Ensign has to put up with the Captain slapping the back of his head everytime he says something wrong. The Ensign sees things as they are and tells you straight if he feels that something is fucked up. Last seen complaining about getting verbally abused in full view of 2 other ships sailing alongside. Favourite phrases are "Or-Bak-Kak" (Black eye) and "You Bapoh!" along with other dialect profanities.
On board because: He hasn't found a lifejacket, plus he has to feed his wife and his 2yr old.
Wants to: Chee Bye Quit Lah!
But is actually: Bo Pian...

*The above is a fictional story about the crew on board an imaginary ship, 'All Drown Together'. Resemblance of the characters to any persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

I will bring half my breakfast to work...

Kaoz, now got new method to achieve the target numbers and that is the...

CANNOT HIT TARGET THEN CANNOT GO LUNCH METHOD!

How it works?
Basically everyone is forc.. i mean REQUIRED to generate at least 2 leads before we can even think about lunch. Up till now this method has worked pretty well, if anyone didn't achieve his/her target, the rest of us will help. In the end, as long as the figure on the board is equals to two times of the number of people calling, we get to eat. Simple, yes?

Now can someone tell me just many Human/Workers' Rights laws have been violated there? I'm not a free-loading moron and i know that it is my moral duty to at least put something on the board before i will allow myself to eat. I don't go to work every morning thinking about what's for lunch for fuck's sake so please don't pull this kind of stunt on me.

Rules are rules, 2 lunch shifts means 2 lunch shifts. 12pm to 1pm means 12pm to 1 pm, 1pm to 2pm means 1pm to 2pm. If not why was this written down and pointed out to us? If i go at 12 i will not come back a second after 1. I'm the kind who likes a little regimentation in my life so please grant me this tiny wish and at least let me know what time i get to eat. 12 or 1, simple as that. NOT 12.37pm or 1.14pm!

So i have decided to bring half my breakfast to the office. I will eat half of it at home and save the rest just in case the department has a shitty day. At least i won't be hungry...

Today, i found out that...

Today at the office, i found out that...

the food of love is Sausage McMuffin w Egg Meal,

the song of love is "Because of you, the sun will always shine into our lives...",

the flower of love is still a rose and...

the language of love is "30 dollars added".